a crumpled $20 bill in my left hand

strange; thankful.

2012-01-28T02:39:00.000+08:00

sanity being toyed.

many a times i've questioned myself if it was by you, or my own tolerance.

like all the other lessons in life, i believe that this too shall pass.

passing clouds

2012-01-20T04:41:00.001+08:00

so there i was, of how it began with an evening of unexpected change of weather; drizzly followed by a calming tranquility - cycle and repeat.

it was like praying for a shower after a drought. desperate, yet hopeful. it was a funny concoct. perhaps it was the habit of getting used to the lack of; which made every drop more of a welcoming (for me, at least) change of the usual.

it was closing to the peak of summer.

that little circle; it was more of the exchanging of thoughts; thought provoking even, than it was of a competing ground (of a fight to the finish).

how much have i missed this place.

the lessons learned, the stories told - such is the journey.

funny how minuscule it all seems as we move slightly further from where we began.

"keep an open mind", they all say - but how much has it amount to, has so much more to be seen.

sacrilege

2011-11-26T08:14:00.001+08:00

sometimes we make the mistake of violating the "special treatment" we get from others.

a wave of a hand; to brush it as a one off incident.

doesn't really matter how did we even get that laminated piece - or not.

just like how sometimes i say things or feel emotions that i wished i could take back; instead of displaying them so publicly.

this whole camaraderie, i would never dream of doing anything to jeopardize it.

please don't take my word for it - literally. it was probably from the stupor.

Of Yesterdays

2011-11-21T13:25:00.001+08:00

Dear you,

How long has it been since we've really had a proper conversation? Funny isn't it? We could spend so much time with each other and yet not a word has been exchanged.

I know you've been going through some pretty rough patches for a while now. Even though you've been refusing to talk about it, I hope you know that the things you're finding solace in isn't a long term solution. Eventually, it will only worsen your own situation.

Remember the last time we spoke? Where I said that you shouldn't let the weight of the world hold you down? I'm sure somewhere deep inside, you still remember those words; even if you chose to ignore it. Although you might not want to admit this, but I know that you've been avoiding me because you know that i'll never be able to fully sympathize the issues that aren't even yours to begin with. The most I could do is to be empathetic about it; not because I don't care for you, but because I know that it's a habit that is eating you inside out that needs to be overcome.

Please remember that there are so many people around that genuinely cares for you. Even so, there is only so far they could come to carry you out from the darkness, you need to learn to accept the help just as well.

You know that i'll always be here for you.

I'll try to write to you everyday in this space.

Karen.

untitled

2011-10-18T23:50:00.000+08:00

guess it was never completely buried.

4.03am

2011-09-22T04:03:00.002+08:00

i've been trying to avoid depressing nonsense in here for quite a while. somewhere along the way, i guess i've been putting myself in an almost complete state of denial. avoidance feels like the thin string that's holding all this flimsy bits and pieces together.

this is not a sad post

2011-07-05T02:38:00.004+08:00

in another less than 48 hours, i'll be halfway onto a new journey. its been a funny concoction of feelings in the past couple of days. i wouldn't say that i'm sad, but i'm not entirely happy either.

in the past couple years, life has taught me lessons through different kinds of experiences and challenges. right now, reminiscing the past couple of years since i left high school, i would say that i'm more thankful than anything else about all that God has placed in front of me. life hasn't always turned out the way i assumed/predicted it would be, but He has been taking care of me extremely well.

sometimes i have wished that i didn't have to go through certain stuff in this life, but at the same time, i wouldn't wished it all away either. as i'd said, God has been very kind to me indeed. albeit all the struggles that i've passed through, i know i've grown up in so many ways that i would never had managed to without all that has happened.

this time around, He made me realise how much love i have around me. be it from family or friends. and i'm extremely thankful and humbled by it. He showed me that no matter what, love is always around. sometimes we just have to look hard enough (at the right places).

when mom said that they wouldn't be able to send me off this wednesday, i wouldn't exactly say that i was devastated. in a way i was kinda glad actually. not that i don't wanna see them, just that i think i would be able to go with ease if i just left on my own. i'm not good when it comes to saying goodbyes. i just function that way, better i guess. perhaps it's because i'm so used to being on my own that when people show their care, i'm not sure how to handle the overwhelming feeling which comes with it.

i'm definitely gonna miss all that i'm leaving behind in this short period of time. but i also know that whatever lies ahead of this, i'm gonna embrace it the usual way i embrace new adventures - like the way a happy fat kid sees a nice meal.

just as the title says, this is not a sad post. my brain is just a tad too overwhelmed by all that is happening in this short span of time.

i've been spending the long weekends with a couple of close friends. friends that have changed me so much that they might not even realise it. they taught me that having people who genuinely care for you makes life's tough lessons so much easier to swallow. they taught me that it's perfectly fine to be cared for. they taught me that they are people who won't budge no matter how much you try to push them away. most importantly, they taught me that life is beautiful.

if this isn't a sad post, then perhaps this is a thank you note. thanking all the beautiful souls that have taken a bit of their time to share it with me, to walk with me in this journey we call life.

thank you. :)

haro boys and girls!

2011-03-08T17:16:00.010+08:00

currently feeling:

ps: last ones for my dads kidneys.

1.55am

2010-12-02T01:55:00.004+08:00

"I'm Coming Down"

Turn the lights out,
The party is over and the wines all gone,
Your good friends are headed home,
Wish I could be there,
I'm floating,
Was happy to hear you turned thirty-three,
You look good, you're so carefree,
Wish I could be there

But I thought you should know,
That inside I've grown cold,
And I fight every day to lose control,
It's a Saturday,
I'm coming down

Frustrated,
Got caught in the rain going to work today,
Soaked through for the job I hate,
I wish you could be here,
I'm choking,
Swallowed too much of my pride today,
The words that I just won't say,
I wish you could be here

But I thought you should know,
That inside I've grown cold,
And I fight every day to lose control,
It's a Saturday,
I'm coming down

For the first time, I've seen stars at night,
For the first time, I'm on fire

But I thought you should know,
That inside I've grown cold,
And I fight every day to lose control,
It's a Saturday,
I am going down,
It's a Saturday,
I'm coming down.

let me play among the stars

2010-11-17T00:38:00.009+08:00

i'll be on the flight in another 25 hours and 20 minutes.

this whole uncertainty of where life would bring me next, never fails to scare and yet excite me.

if someone were to ask me where do i picture myself in 5 years, i doubt i will be able to give them a satisfactory answer; because the truth is, i would never know. its not that i dont have a goal. i guess im one of those who literally throw all caution to the wind and take the backseat in life. i honestly believe the universe always has a way of making things work in accordance to our one ultimate goal in life.

ive been staring at the flight itinerary for the past few minutes. still stroked with the idea that this is really happening.

truth be told, as much as im excited, im also crazy-assed nervous.

im just reminding myself to let Him take over the wheel. i believe He will definitely know whats best for me.

all i have to do is enjoy the next ten days in Japan baby!

:DDDD

wires

2010-09-09T03:08:00.004+08:00

i have been contemplating on whether or not to write about this. in some ways im still unsure of it. perhaps im just feeling tired. a bit dissapointed perhaps. but most of all, i think im just seeking for closure.

a couple of days back i so happened to come across this line, "True friendship isn't being inseparable, it's being separated and nothing changes." maybe it was the push i needed to finally put this down.

ive always believed that i would never allow distance to come in the way of my friendship with the people that i hold close to my heart. im thankful that with two of my closest friends who left to study abroad, i havent been wrong.

no matter how long we havent kept in touch, we never ran out of things to say the moment we caught up with each other again.

the bottom line is, i probably took this for granted. always believing that the distance is just temporary. a geographical inconvenience. a small obstacle that would never be too huge to be a problem.

or so i thought.

couple of months back when i was talking to a friend, i couldnt help but realize the coldness. the sudden change from the familiarity that i had gotten much too comfortable with. she finally admitted that perhaps we're just living different lives now. about how we have a different set of lifestyles and friends. about how we dont share anything in common anymore.

it went on for quite a while. in a way i kinda just shut it off. i didnt want to listen to anymore of what she had to say. it was a bit too much for one night.

i consoled her and tried to put it off as the lack of communication. it was just her. nothing had changed. try to not overthink.

but truth be told, i wasnt quite the same around her after that night. after the things she said.

im not quite sure what happened. i guess something just went away that night.

much has been said and done throughout the nine months. its been a snowballing effect. its not an overnight change of heart. but i guess somehow i could still overlook all of it until that night.

i guess after that night, i kinda thought to myself "is this really how our friendship weighs to her?"

right now, even with a rough assumption of the consequences this post might bring, i still dont really know why did i choose to write this. i really dont. what do i expect to happen after this? i really dont know. all i know is that im tired of keeping this inside.

maybe im just over-reacting.

maybe its almost four in the morning.

maybe im just exhausted.

maybe im just not happy there anymore.

10 things ive learned in the past nine months

2010-09-09T02:50:00.004+08:00

1. everything happens for a reason.

2. people dont just walk into your life if they werent meant to be in it.

3. friends come and go.

4. focusing on a problem doesnt help us to find the solution; the solution is in Him.

5. its ok to say no.

6. its not about the past or the future; its about what we can do today.

7. never take today for granted.

8. we cant choose our family.

9. never hold on/put too much importance in earthly possesions.

10. we're all worthy of His love.

silver part III

2010-08-03T01:47:00.001+08:00

snap and im back!

sweet as honey but i sting like a bee

karen v2.0 in progress

:DDD

silver part II

2010-08-03T00:41:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wish i were an animal. roaming the grounds in search of what i need and only what i need - to sustain myself.

its a constant struggle to try to not give into the world - losing sight in this whirlwind. to wish for more. more even when what we already have is suffice. why are we set in such?

out of sight, out of mind.

i no longer cry over them. but its undeniable that i still yearn for them. in a way or another.

everytime i find her in this position, i just have to keep reminding myself of whats truly important.

i know that all these are just temporary.

greed.

i know but i still do otherwise. at times.

its all the devil's tests.

i wish i were a panda bear.

thank you

2010-07-02T05:02:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wish that i could be one of those who could just walk away. realize that its not only no longer making you feel good but also bringing yourself down, and just walk away.

i dont want to see it as this. i do cherish the memories, but right now it feels like its the memories that are making me stay and turn a blind eye from what is happening right now.

anyways, on a happier note, im on a short trip to visit two friends. its funny how life always surprises us. like they say, you win some you lose some.

right now im feeling extremely blessed and grateful to all the people that He has brought into my life. extremely thankful to have the chance to cross paths with such good company of folks.

thank you victor for being such a good tour guide. thank you for introducing me to such a great bunch of friends. thank you for accompanying me everyday and making sure that ive had my daily dose of caffeine so that i dont get cranky and act like a spoilt brat.

thank you serena, jason, and matt for being so cool with the whole crashing over thing. thank you for putting up with me dancing and meowing in the kitchen, in the living room, in the dining room, and victor's moans and groans when i whack him. thank you for bringing me out and being my elder siblings whenever victor or matt bullies me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! matt i still want to kick your face everytime i see you!

thank you nhat and bae for bringing me out for food and coffee. thank you for feeding me and making sure that this fat kid/cat doesnt die of famine. thank you for the cooking. thank you for meowing with me everytime matt gives me the death stare.

thank you rachel and alvin for the delicious dinner. thank you for feeding me with pork. thank you sean and conrad for driving me around from the airport to freemantle and pizza! thank you ee voon for the bus card and teaching me how to not make cooking mama angry!

thank you leeyi for being so patient with me when im late. TWICE! im so sorry bout what happened at the city the other day. sorry for making you wait for an hour when youre already not feeling well. thank you for waiting for me AGAIN when we went to the city the second time around. thank you for introducing me to your housemates with awesome cooking skills. i hope things with you and him works out.

its still pretty early to write this but im just feeling really grateful throughout this whole week. will probably update this whole thank you note thing every week or everytime im feeling grateful. teehee.

i miss malaysia and the sun already!

serenity

2010-06-15T02:12:00.000+08:00

and i surrender to Him.

gary says "meow"

2010-05-19T21:38:00.002+08:00

this feeling of frustration. frustrating and hopeless situation. why this? why now? "maybe because you havent touched a drop of coffee for the past two days" it said to me. me and my addiction for caffeinated liquid. thats a story for another day.

anyway, finals are drawing closer each day. and im sure im not the only one feeling the heat at this moment. part of me cant wait to finish up my paper on the 18th next month and yet another part is dying to go operation ferris bueller. i can already hear roger ebert staring at me and mouthing "your taste sucks" in his signature scowl.

please pardon the lack of coherence here today. my mind is attempting to teleport every 3.7 seconds. me body is struggling to keep up with me head.

happy birthday john! i hope you see this here coz fb is being a stubborn ass by refusing to load properly and im also being a donkey by disowning my phone and thus refusing to even look at it.

so the past couple of weeks have been incredibly productive. managed to spend a lot of quality time with the company of amazing people. even had one of my starstruck moment when i met up with a person whom ive come to admire since i first read her article in malaysia today. i felt like a total idiot when i didnt recognize her name when TJ mentioned her for the first time. not until i googled and found out who she was. see this is me and my failing memory when it comes to names. must.repair.braincells. i really have to stop using my inhaler so often.

so much has happened in such a short period of time. things are looking a lot better now. im just too lazy to talk about it right now so we'll just keep that for another day when i burn my phd in procrastination.

well good luck to those of you who are mugging right now. all the best for those who will be sitting for their finals in the next couple of weeks. thats all for now i guess.

ok babai.

how now brown cow? part 2

2010-04-06T17:18:00.012+08:00

this rut has been going on since saturday night.

a quick recap of my saturday:

so there i was, finishing up my research for an essay which is due in week 7 and my mind kept going "YESSSS!!! done! and saturday night life here i come!".

after i got ready and everything, my friend called and canceled. after i put down the phone i was beyond frustrated. not because he had to cancel at such a last minute, but because i felt like "why God?!! why are you always doing this to me?!! had i been lazy?!! no! i had canceled my friday plans for a whole weekend of drinking and slacking just so that i could finish up on what i have to do! and now youre making this dude bail on me and i have to stay home on a saturday night?!!! WTF!!!"

i know being bailed on is nothing extraordinary. people get bailed on all the time right? even i do that to people at times. but its the thought of actually sacrificing a whole weekend just to do my assignments and compensating that with just ONE night of fun, i really felt like was that really so much that im asking for? if you knew me you would know that this is not me. i would never put work before outings. i would never put work before the chance of getting wasted. i would never put work before any effing thing.

that was when i started to rebel. rebel against all the effort that ive put in for the past 5 weeks. i just ate and slept and watched ridiculous amount of the simpsons and futurama. i felt like "you want me to live in a rut? then i'll make everything look and feel like a rut!"

just now when i woke up at 4pm, i just felt stupid. extremely pathetic. and absolutely immature. i felt like a kid throwing a stupid tantrum just because i couldnt watch the 6pm simpsons on starworld and had to help my mom with gardening instead.

was it worth throwing it all out just because i felt neglected by God? just because i felt like i "deserved" a night out after pouring so much effort into research just for one bloody essay?

was God really neglecting?

did i really deserve to be rewarded?

then i thought about that night when leeyi was staying with me in pj during our holidays. when i was telling her about constantly feeling as if my mom didnt care and the whole perth plan. thats when she slapped me and said "WTF! what do you mean your mom doesnt care?!! what about all those semesters youve been slacking off?!! what about all those effort that youve put into your work and then just fucked it up just because you thought your family issues were fucked up. ive never seen anyone so retarded as to do their work and not hand it in just because they thought it would teach everyone around them a lesson! WTF! have you ever thought about how lucky you are that your mom is still letting you continue despite all your fuck ups?!! have you ever thought about how much money your parents have wasted BECAUSE of your fuck ups?!! WTF! and now youre telling me that your mom doesnt care! you really damn fucking retarded lar!"

i have to admit that although we laughed about what she scolded me from time to time, im always mentally kicking myself for having been so ridiculously childish all these years. it was also those words that was part of the reason why im not screwing it up this time. but i have to remember that i wouldnt always have someone like leeyi to tell me this when i need to hear them.

at this time, for some reason it seems so difficult to find peace within myself. it comes quickly and it goes just as swift. ive tried ignoring it. reminding myself to focus on the bigger picture. that this is just a phase and like it is, this too shall pass. but it is as if another small part of me is telling me that im just being delirious. that im just lying to myself that im at peace. its as if the bag that holds the emotional turmoil is already bursting at its seams. ready to overflow anytime soon. it feels as if no matter how much i try, i just dont deserve any of this. its as if i cant escape from being that wandering soul. lost and confused.

so i tried something that i havent done in a pretty long time. i read the bible.

you know how when people tell you that the bible always has the answers? i dont know if i was just plain lucky or that it really was true, but this was what i found:

"What does a man get for all the toil and anxious

striving with which he labours under the sun?

All his days his work is pain and grief;

even at night his mind does not rest"

(Ecclesiastes 2:22-23)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.

I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your

hearts be troubled and do not be afraid"

(John 14:27)

then it got me to think, what was it that made me feel as if ive been neglected from this 'peace' that i was searching for? right now, being peaceful to me was if i could balance up both my uni life and social life; being able to cope up well with assignments and presentations and also being able to still have time to live healthily, sleep well, and hang out with my friends. it throws me off balance and makes me believe that im really living a one sided life when people says stuff like:

"karen youre such a nerd lar"

"karen you actually HAVE a library card?"

"youre such a nerd lar. why you go and do so many references? it only asked for three lar"

"you started damn early and youre STILL doing your research?"

"youre ALWAYS busy with your research and its so hard to hang out with you now"

"are you having a secret affair with the librarian uncle?"

this is the face thats having an affair with the librarian uncle

the last one was probably the best ive heard so far. i dont like seeing myself being affected by this kind of remarks. i dont like feeling as if im really that shallow minded and sensitive to be affected by this kind of remarks. and the worst is that i feel angry at God and ask why do i have to sacrifice my reputation by being called a nerd and always having to use the same excuse of having to do MORE research for every essay everytime my friends ask me out. im currently having a love/hate relationship with the new me. sometimes i dont even know if i would feel better if people dont ask me out altogether or if they actually want me to hang out with them. i really dont know.

perhaps this was what God meant when He said He doesnt give to me as what the world gives. i have to remind myself that i shouldnt hold on to earthly possesions too strongly. this will just push me away further from Him and His big plan.

"All men will hate you because of me, but he

who stands firm to the end will be saved"

(Matthew 10:22)

im not saying that im being hated to an extreme extend, but it feels that way at times. i guess this is what the loneliness of obedience is about.

dont worry people. im not depressed. im just writing it down here as a reflection of my past weeks. im fine now. maybe thats why curtin came up with this whole reflection thing. HAHHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!

ok need to go finalize my slides for tomorrows presentation now. wish me luck!

i hope all of you had a good week and if this post had helped you in the slightest way, im really happy for you. =)

ps: ahlai, you said i havent updated my facebook pictures for a long time already so heres a couple that i camwhored just for you.

pps: john, i know you like my pian tai face right? so the last one was specially dedicated to you.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

how to cure sleep deprivation

2010-04-02T08:39:00.006+08:00

hai adik-adik! today i wanna share with you guys one way (really successful!) to cure insomnia.

trust me when i say that this has been a very successful way (for me) for curing sleeping problems. especially when its coming from me! for those of you who knows my sleeping patterns, you would know that ive been battling insomnia for lord knows how long already.

this might not be the healthiest (but i wouldnt say that its unhealthy either) way, but maybe you could give it a try.

couple of days back, i realized that im no longer that stressed out with assignments. its a pretty heavy load with all the weekly submissions and stuff, but ive managed to handle my procrastination issue pretty well so far so maybe thats also one of the reasons why i dont feel so stressed out about it now. yea anyway, ive been getting (almost) 8 hours of sleep everyday but still its always around 2 in the morning before i could knock off into lala land and im so used to waking up before 8am now. then from the beginning of this week, i decided that i really need to try to sleep before midnight.

ok apologies on the paragraph long intro, but heres my solution. normally around 8something at night, i take a small bowl of rice. just rice with a bit of butter or soy sauce. small bowl coz my lunch is already a plate of mixed rice hur hur hur. so yea, after that small bowl of rice, i ALWAYS feel sleepy after 15-30minutes. then i terus sleep. right up to maybe around 2am, then i'll chat with some friends on msn for bout an hour plus, then fall back to sleep till 7.30am.

i dont know bout you guys, but i think you could give it a shot. i know its not healthy to have a heavy meal at night, but i try to do it before 9pm and its just a small bowl of rice (the kind youre served in chinese restaurants) so i dont think its too much of a harm. i guess it works for me so well because i almost ALWAYS feel damn sleepy after makan.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

what a way to breed myself into a mcfatty.

i heard that chubby cheeks and thighs are a hit this year! *in denial*

shaddap i know that my arms are big!

okok i'll lose weight this weekend!

or next week..

someday.

maybe. *shifty eyes*

another step forward

2010-03-25T20:40:00.003+08:00

despite all the anger, panic, frustration, exhaustion and tears, at the end of the day, deep down inside i know that it was all worth it.

why this strange feeling?

2010-03-25T01:04:00.004+08:00

perhaps it was my mistake for underestimating it this time around.

was it built in just a day? a sudden change. an epiphany just struck. i couldnt remember it that well, as much as i wished so.

my heart just feels strange right now.

how do i describe it? its not entirely heavy, but it is at the same time. not from sadness. not from pressure. it just feels.. strange somehow.

since day one i had been reminding myself, "this is it. youve been given a second chance in life. dont waste it. just stay focused on each day. take it one step at a time. dont be over-ambitious. do what you can and leave the rest to God."

i would be lying if i said that it was easy. for those of you out there who had been breezing and nailing this, i wonder if it was just plain determination or did it take years of consistent practise before you got to where you are.

im not giving up this time. as much as the hurdles get higher each day, im constantly being reminded that this too shall pass. i can do this. i just need to have faith in myself and faith that He has bigger plans for me.

everytime i feel dejected and lost, i force myself to think of the Lord. this is when im reminded that the hardship and challenges thrown my way is all part of his big plan.

and a wave of serenity washes through me.

this humbling effect; there are no words i could think of to describe this. its like a realization of how small i really am. how miniscule. how easily it would to be overlooked just like that. and yet He didnt. and this is when i truly feel at peace.

for those of you who has known me well enough throughout the years, you could probably remember how im always complaining after a bad discussion in class. you would know how i couldnt stand ignorant people; people whos always saying that the lecturer is never good enough or well-informed enough, and yet never take the initiative or effort to optimize their knowledge capacity but rather sit down and complain. im sorry if i ever made you guys feel like a punch bag, but thank you for bearing with me everytime i start bitching bout them.

same thing happened today and there wasnt anyone around who i could complain to. so there i was, sitting at the stairway; alone, and frustrated. then i caught myself. "is this because i think that im better than them?"

you know that disgusted feeling you get when someone tells you that youre arrogant or selfish? its as if youre being slapped hard on your face. thats how i felt when i asked myself that question. i was extremely filled with disgust and loathe for having such ugly thoughts, and it took me so many years before i realized this problem.

i cant even remember what was the purpose of this post. i just felt that i needed to write something. and im glad that i did. im actually feeling much lighter now. so yes, the strange feeling is no longer lingering around. =D ok back to my assignments already. WOOOHOOOO~~!!!

being a nerd with the lousiest timing

2010-03-23T05:05:00.006+08:00

its already 5.04am and im still doing my work. i have to hand in two drafts, one essay and on top of that, i have a quiz later that i still havent finished revising for.

i just completed the essay and both the drafts and realized that its already past 5am. im damn worried that one of these possibilities would happen:

1) revise for the quiz and hopefully get some sleep, and risk not remembering anything ive read or was said in lectures during the quiz due to the lack of sleep (i have a morning class later at 11am. i know its not THAT early but still i have to leave at 10am coz im taking the bus and i still have to take a shower and take a crap and all that so i have to wake up latest by 9am).

2) get some sleep now and pray that i have time to read up before the quiz and risk not having the time to do so and end up effing up the paper anyway.

being all paranoid and shit, i thought of just looking through the module outline of the chapters to get a rough idea on what we might be tested on tomorrow and HOPEFULLY i could just run through before i sleep and guess what? both the drafts that i thought was for tomorrow; one is due in week 5 (next thursday) and the other is in week 7.

fml.

T______________________________T

bila dua orang gendut bersembang di msn

2010-03-17T22:11:00.003+08:00

Karenkok says:

wtf

rupa-rupanya adik lehu pun nak tengok akak karen gemuk balik...

T___T

leonardez says:

of course

keranamu malaysia

tak

i mean

kerana adik lehu tengah fat fat nya ta

tau

leonardez says:

so kena ada PREN

Karenkok says:

er chui lar

youre tall ok!

you dont look fat lor

leonardez says:

no no no

Karenkok says:

you think im tall also is it?

leonardez says:

tak bole cakap macam tu

huhuhu

Karenkok says:

if i had your height i will just makan dont care lor

leonardez says:

like what ive been doing for the past 21 years?

huhu

Karenkok says:

hmm?

*blink blink

actually i also put on weight

and its just FOUR days in segamat

can you imagine if its a week

i think my old clothes also cannot pakai

coz my mom cooked assam fish~

HAHAHHAAHAAHAHAAHHA

but i damn miss the food at home lar

T____T

its damn er chui lor

leonardez says:

assam ikann

Karenkok says:

after makan like nobodys business in segamat

come back to desa almost everyday i walk out alone to eat at the malay stall

T____T

cannot be disciplined ady

leonardez says:

hahaha

good eh

Karenkok says:

good your head!

its damn eowh lor this time

really damn scared that i will fat back lar

but then my brain keep telling me to eat

this is the scenario:

tummy: feed me.. feeeeeed meeeeee....

karen: stfu!

5mins later

karen: akak, nasi goreng kampung satu tambah ayam. nak peha eh. dgn satu teh o ais limau

fml

leonardez says:

haha

5 mins later

akak lagi satu

Karenkok says:

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

dont lor

segamat really damn shiok lor

just eat and sleep only

T____T

if want to be babi no need to buy appeton weight gain

just go to segamat

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

how now brown cow?

2010-03-15T21:03:00.003+08:00

i think i might be on the verge of completely losing my mojo for blogging.

leeching off medusa's wifi

2010-03-09T21:03:00.003+08:00

good evening ladies and gentlemen.

karen kok is now officially on a tight budget hence the not paying for internet and taking the bus to ioi everyday to leech off starbucks free wifi.

my dear friends who havent gotten a reply on facebook, please bear with me until 7pm everyday ok?

my wallet and kidneys are ever so grateful for your understanding.

thank you very much from the bottom of my ovaries.

until next time.

womb

2010-02-03T01:58:00.004+08:00

the last time i was here, i thought that the things that i was searching for, all the knowledge and senses, the reality that i had to someday face - myself, in a nutshell; i thought it could be found out there. out amongst the busy streets and neon lights. i thought i would come to see aspects of me in that concrete jungle. for some reason i almost always discover missing fragments of myself in the midst of chaos; more often than not.

the past weeks were anything but peaceful. and yet i see myself thriving, paradoxically, in comfort, as i journeyed through this unpaved road. was it because this is the road less taken? i often thought. even till now i still havent been able to see a clear answer.

2010 was anything but a mark that i was looking forward to. it wasnt because 2009 was a breezy year. i guess it had something to do with how all that pain and sudden changes that took place back then, my being had grew accustomed to it. it was like a whole different set of "comfort zone". like how the story about the frog who was put in a pot of water with room temparature and slowly brought to boil and he was dead before he realized it. same sort of situation, different species of life.

dont be mistaken that im pessimistic about this year though. its just that it seems as if i have less things to look forward to this time around. not that ive lost that spark for life itself, but ive learned to savour each day as it unfolds. its a very simple sense of happiness.

im learning to let go off things that i dont have control of.

im learning to be more level headed when facing brick walls.

im learning to stop trying to please everyone because at the end of the day, you end up pleasing no one.

im learning to find the simple pleasures in life that i had all this while taken for granted.

im learning to appreciate life as it is.

hello 2010 =)

note to self: stop reading chick lits.

2010-01-18T00:33:00.001+08:00

The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?

Instructions: Look at the list and put an ‘x’ after those you have read. Tag other book nerds.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen x
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte x
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling x
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee x (boo radley was probably one of the coolest characters during my pre-pubescent days! *nerd mode on*)
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens x
11 Little Women - Louisa May Alcott x
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller x
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier x
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien (i got it during my 12th birthday from aunty fay and its still lying around somewhere T___T)
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger x
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll x
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens x
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen x
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini (yes i know youve read this rave fml)
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden x
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown (gave up before the curator died. i watched the movie though. hahahaha)
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery x
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel (in progress)
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen x
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens x
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon x
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas x (one of my all time favourite author)
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville x
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens x
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker x
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett x
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno – Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens x
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker (watched the movie as well)
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom x (angelin loves mitch albom because it gave her the idea of calling those days where people treats her like 'dear aunt agatha' as 'thursdays with angelin' hahahahha!)
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle x (hound of the baskervilles ftw!)
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton x
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (watched the play organized by the bangsar soroptomist club and it made me cry fml)
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas x
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare x
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl x (didnt we love roald dahl, chanchal? hehehehe)
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

i only read slightly more than a quarter from that list and most of them was before i graduated high school. evidence to self that i have grown dumber over the years fml.

note: feel free to tag yourselves if youre interested.

i am a chinese

2009-12-10T08:43:00.001+08:00

勇往直前

je'taime mrs lai's cooking and bahau food

2009-12-08T02:07:00.003+08:00

couple of weeks back, leeyi invited me over to her brothers wedding in her hometown. i know it sounds weird and all and how i was gonna turn up looking like a whole walking talking wedding crasher. hahahahahahha! i sort of had my doubts of having a great time and not feeling awkward but then that part of me who just wanted to dress up and meet up with leeyi after she left for perth and have nice food and mingle around with aunty-aunties kinda took over the part of feeling like a whole walking talking wedding crasher hahahahhaha wow this is a long sentence so heres a period.

but it was really fun! especially when i got to meet up with leeyi, leo and VICTOR after such a long time! but the part where it was the most enjoyable was probably where the three of us were walking around in our house clothes helping her parents with the preparation because as we all know only those who are really close with the wedding people get to walk around looking like crap and house clothes coz thats how we roll yo HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

in these three wonderful days, i was reminded of how truly blessed i was for having friends who still treats me like a million bucks eventhough im walking around damn confidently amongst all the dressed up relatives and aunty-aunties with my mr delicious tshirt with bite me on the back. HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! like how we still love leo like a million bucks eventhough he looks absolutely ridiculous in some poor girls slippers with a huge ass lady bug on the straps and how we still love victor although he practically turned up (and stayed that way) wearing an XS singlet and board shorts and talking to little girls like a pedophile ("wow! youve got pretty big boobs for a 14 y/o girl) and wiping the chairs and working it like a lap dancer and reminding us every 2minutes about how hes gonna lap dance to all the uncle-uncles in front of their wives singing lady gaga's monster (he ate my ASS. he ate ate ate my ASS). yes despite all these we know we'll still love each other like a million bucks or even more like how we love a good bowl of hakka ham cha.

and let me tell you this people. lai lee yi's mother cooks the most amazing hakka ham cha and homemade kaya! its sooooo good that it deserves more than one 'o'! and the kaya is so good that i kept returning to the table for kaya! coz throughout the night i was just taking the kaya and eating them off the plate like how i would do to a bottle of peanut butter, and leeyi's popo saw me taking the kaya and she told me to take more of the dumplings that were supposed to go with the kaya and i just pointed at the otak-otak (which were also wrapped like the dumplings) on my plate and said "oo ok yea there! ive taken them already" and sheepishly walked back to our table hurhurhur.. i cant stop talking about mrs. lai's cooking lar. i just came back to pj in less than a day and im already missing it. T___T

leeyi really is the luckiest girl to have such a great family! eh im not patronizing ok! its true! her sisters are memang damn sporting! thank you miss lai for bringing me for supper after the wedding dinner and scrouging around the kitchen for snacks when i kept saying that im still hungry hurhurhur. i really cant help it that my stomach is a bottomless pit. she even took out a packet of bak gua (pork jerky) and told me to makan and dont have to shy shy and i thanked her by saying so nice lar your kitchen because in december also still got bak gua. i know i sounded like a total pig but as you all should know, quaint little hometowns are memang kryptonite to my diet plans. fml.

and then this morning around 8something while we were waiting for 2nd miss lai to wake up and go back to pj together, leeyi's dad asked us if we wanted to have milo or anything and i said its ok lar uncle. maybe later. its not because i was shy but because i needed my regular dose of caffeine and savoury malaysian-style breakfast. im not a milo-drink-for-breakfast kinda girl. for goodness sake you look at my tummy then you sure can tell ady one lar but maybe leeyi's dad wasnt paying attention on my tummy so he couldnt tell what kind of breakfast person i was. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!! uncle lai im just kidding ok?

see lar. i really miss bahau so much already.

thank you lai lee yi and your lovely (do people still use this word? HAHAHAHAHA) family. i really enjoyed myself immensely during my stay there. =)

split personality

2009-11-28T02:28:00.002+08:00

ive been feeling very dr jekyll and mr hyde-ish for the past couple of weeks. very much.

who are we?

2009-11-19T15:26:00.003+08:00

since the beginning of the semester, ive been thinking of doing something that i probably would never think of doing at such an early stage of my life. thats where it remained; just a thought.

it was not until recently that i decided this was something that i really should put into action. so far, i had only shared this plan to three of the people whom i have known to be the most sensible and logical of the others - uncle shane, leo and wei kiat. it did come off pretty surprising even to me when they supported it. i guess part of me was thinking that perhaps its too crazy as well, though i avoided myself from pondering too long upon it as i didnt want this to be another case of overthinking and it ends up not happening at all.

theres this friend of mine, derick, whom ive known for more than a decade. we call each other our AA partners. we have this connection where it gets pretty scary at times. hes the kind of friend who you hardly keep in touch with, but the phone always rings when youre at a crossroad; now this is the scary part, we always land at the same crossroad at the same time.

the day before yesterday, he called me out of the blue as he wanted some opinions about this paper that he was doing about the machu picchu civilization. it started with:

how would you define humanity?

and it churned out hours worth of discussion about how we as humans, are always seeking for more in life when we already have an abundance, and how we are always dissecting things around us in hoping to discover more. is this just a mere quest for knowledge and material wealth? or does it go deeper than that? is it an act of our own insecurities in the inability to know ourselves and our own culture that we need to "rectify" this situation but trying to understand others and their culture?

such is life. we are constantly in search of the truth, but to know that truth is relative, therefore this is also to say that truth doesnt really exists. so what is it we are seeking for then?

we each shared a story regarding this question. his was the indian fable of murugan and ganesh circling the universe, and i, the experimental ideology of putting three men in a cave by aristotle.

we realized a flaw within the range of definitions of humanity and civilization that was already written in texts; there were mostly evolved within the context of art, language and culture, and based from the author's point of view. so this is to say that he was defining it based on his reality. but how could this definition be comprehended by the rest when our visions on what reality differs from the next person? this great civilization in peru for example, there were no records in writing anywhere, and yet we know so much about it; is that why we know and therefore able to justify it as a great civilization? and is this to say that if we never knew anything about them except for their architecture that has stood against the test of time, they are therefore uncivilized? such a paradox isnt it?

after our conversation, i started thinking that perhaps im more of a murugan than a ganesh. i need to literally go around the universe instead of just encircling my parents; as much as i hate to admit it, i know that they are not my universe. (now i feel like si tanggang T__T).

as the days draw nearer, i am more and more terrified if this plan is going to work out. im constantly put into fear with my minds what ifs. albeit all these fear and excitement, i know that it is something i should do. perhaps unknowingly, i am 生在福中不知福. all this while i had always been so sure that i wasnt one. but now as my mind slowly see things clearer, i realized that they are traits in me which points directly to that proverb.

although im not sure what would happen after ive taken this step. whether or not i would come back an improved version of me, that is left in the hands of God. but the one thing that im sure of right now is that i have to put myself out there in order to come back as a more appreciative person for the people and things that i have around me.

vital information for everyday life

2009-11-18T11:44:00.000+08:00

produk ini mengandungi lebih 4, 000 bahan kimia termasuk tar, nikotina dan karbon monoksida yang membahayakan kesihatan.

translated version:

this product contains more than 4, 000 chemicals including tar, nicotine and carbon monoxide that endangers health.

now i know.

ok thank you.

unsent letter

2009-11-11T18:08:00.004+08:00

everyday in life we make choices and decisions. sometimes good sometimes not so good and whichever it is we have to move on. its scary when you think about how some not so good decisions could either be brushed off casually as we live on to another day or it could be in a way 'life altering'.

if we were to take the time to ponder upon our past decisions, in one way or another, it lives with us for the rest of our lives. sometimes even us realizing it. the person we are today, the place we are in right now, the life that we are living, are made up of the accumulation of our past decisions.

however, does that mean we have to be extremely cautious before we make each and every decision from here on?

like how you had decided on this. no one really did or even try to stop you did they? they all knew it was your life and yours only. there really wasnt much to be said. they knew that you were old and wise enough to decide upon your range of choices.

do you stop for a day to think if it was the wisest?

the choices that came after you chose that route; have you ever paused at an intersection of your life to look back at the people youve had to step upon to get where youve gotten at today? has it even crossed your mind to take a short halt? or do you just live by the motion of not looking back and just moving on?

somedays i wished you were still there. the old boy we used to know. the kid whom we used to run around with. the one who stole car keys and drove all the way without a care of our child-like reckless behaviour. its so easy to just leave - the whats and weres of our past years. so easy indeed.

some of us instead just sit and type out long unimportant unsent letters.

its awfully easy to take what we had and have for granted. we are always so careless of the things that comes so easily into our destructive hands. perhaps thats what we were and will be, destructive by nature. even we dont realize it. we have been so comfortably nestled all these years that we dont even think of how are we going to deal with the grief when these little things slowly slip through our fingers, like the billions of sand we have allowed to just get blown and thus taken away by the ever changing wind. every single day. thats how much we've lost in the short period of time.

this beating machine of mine. it is such a funny thing. it beats for every joyous occasions and the little shortcomings along the way. but it never changes it beat. its rhythm. it still beats for the things that has been hurting it for the past countless years. and yet it still beats whenever the opportunity comes for a short but happy reunion. it choses to be dillusional. you see, to be dillusional is sometimes an option. one that could bring temporary happiness, but nevertheless, still a piece of joy. it beats for that then. and it will still beat for that now. or even in the future.

recently it has been hiccuping. more than the usual. what if one day it decides to stop? what if one day its plug is pulled? will it still believe that it is still beating for the same reasons? only that it is no longer physical. is that how it will be in the coming days?

if only it knew how.

when i really should bury my nose back into media law which is on the top of my list of things to burn come november 21st.

2009-11-05T21:43:00.003+08:00

hello people! hows everyone with their mugging for their coming finals? HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.. i cant believe i just asked that to an empty room.

anyways, heres wishing leeyi, victor, angelin, chanz, john, anne, karwoon, and to all those that i didnt mention all the best in the coming exams! im sure you guys will do well lar but still its nicer to put it in words here right? hahahahhaha..

so, this past two weeks havent been the best but then it always catches me by surprise when i least expect it to. amidst all of the depressing days, im suddenly getting phone calls from people at night whom i havent spoken to for ages. :') i have to keep reminding myself to focus on all the blessings in disguise really. that and all the little treasures of the friends i still have who still hasnt gotten sick of my shit yet. hahahhahaha.. i love you all.

i was gonna write bout something but then i think i should keep that for when i have more time to do mindless shit like updating this blog. hahahhahaha...

oklarbabai and good luck with the coming papers.

dizzy dancing and ice cream castles

2009-10-30T18:51:00.006+08:00

this is gonna be an extremely short post i promise!

*shy mode on*

im blushing now and therefore yes this is me being ridiculously girly.

*shy mode off*

i cant believe that this guy that i used to have the hugest crush on had been leaving comments here and there around my blog for the past few years.

*shy mode on*

im so hopeless when it comes to musicians.

lead guitarists especially.

*shy mode on permanently*

1 9 6 9 what's the sound?

2009-10-30T04:47:00.003+08:00

i was just looking through all my previous posts and realized that there were actually quite a number which never made it out of their drafting stage. most of them was when i first started blogging which was around 2004, and when i first started out my uni life.

theres a huge gaping difference the way i was then and now. few years back, the written posts were left as drafts because i wasnt too sure if i really wanted others to be reading about such intimate details of my life. this time around, i dont even bother blogging about it anymore. writing back then was such a liberating activity. now it feels like such a chore.

i really miss how i was more idealistic back then. how i allowed my mind to wander into whatever realms which it fancied and dared to venture into. it never came across that an imaginative mind was something to be shunned.

now i really do feel like such an old haggard soul. i keep creating barricades and concrete walls around this restless mind. creating boundaries. disciplining it. almost like enforcing it with military rules.

ive put the mind back into a box and shut the lid.

ive turned myself into a coward.

hmm..

maybe one of these days i'll post up an unpublished post when i had my heart broken for the first time. really brings back so much memories. =)

angsty post number two : 2 : dos : èr : 二 : dua.

2009-10-30T00:34:00.006+08:00

please just get out of my face.

please.

my sanity and kidneys and ovaries would be eternally grateful if you would just get out of my face.

thank you very much.

xièxiè.

谢谢.

when your urine is filled with salt. dehydration. so dont drink your pee when youre thirsty.

2009-10-29T23:47:00.004+08:00

"grow a fucking brain!"

ever had someone scream that at you? yea. me neither.

realize how people are always remembering you for your mistakes or screw ups? what about those times when you didnt screw up? they dont recall that do they?

what is it that im looking/asking for? an approval? recognition for what ive done? or perhaps just the mind wondering why is it that people only remember what youve done wrong instead of what youve done right?

when i close my eyes, i could see myself in one of these scenes where we watch on tv. those where a person is standing still while everything around them just zooms in the speed of light. kinda like a scene of this stage play that i watched when i was 15. its called the beacon of light or something. it was pretty crappy for a college production. i dont know. maybe i was just trying to be smart/thought that i was smarter than that.

ever tried typing something that sounds logical with a coherence while your ears are being buried with loud music? its pretty interesting. its like your mind is being stopped at red lights every couple of seconds. hahahhaha.. mind jam. marmalade. rasberry?

as i saw your number the other day. my mind spaced out. like the image of a man-made satellite floating in space. but in reverse mode. and fast. it was pretty surreal.

im such a girl sometimes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

no that wasnt me laughing. just tapping hard on H and A.

thats right.

you just wasted 2 minutes of your life reading this.

2 minutes.

thats right.

switch

2009-10-27T00:10:00.002+08:00

since when did i approve of allowing this to happen? im so angry right now that its not even funny. im so angry that i cant even write! this is me lying my head on the bar top, starring into the almost glaring screen amidst this darkness and continue repeating step 1 and 2 till anger subsides.

all i really wanna do is throw in the towel and think fuck this shit but then i know myself better than that.

its so pathetic that i have to concentrate on my breathings to keep myself collected. its even more pathetic to be museuming this anger here.

you know what?

fuck this shit.

this is it

2009-10-19T06:11:00.002+08:00

i'm falling out of love.

lorelix04

I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs.

I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.

I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.

You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on.

I'm falling out of love.

-anonymous

from here

when being yourself just isnt gonna work anymore.

2009-10-15T04:25:00.003+08:00

at this moment, i dont want to be here.

at this moment, i dont want to be seen or heard.

at this moment, i dont want to be anywhere near anything or anyone.

at this moment, i just want to stop being myself.

the day i realized that my dad is not always right.

2009-10-13T03:41:00.004+08:00

for the past couple of weeks, i was at the point where there were a lot of conflicting thoughts running through my head. i was trying to figure out what was that lost ingredient that was causing all these confusion. tried recalling the theories that were passed on by the adults when i was younger. everything was perfect to a tee but still the jarring gap was just too profound to be left unnoticed. there was just so much anger and confusion and hatred and even the feeling of indifferent at times which led to even more frustration and confusion. this is getting confusing but just try to stay with me here.

anyways, it took me a very loud and tears to laughter filled conversation with two good friends to make me realize what it was. im in fact laughing to myself as im writing this. for some reason, in the midst of all those love advices we were throwing around at each other, it suddenly reminded me of how i used to be when i was a kid.

back in kindergarten up till i was eleven, i used to be a feisty kid who was a teachers nightmare. one thing that they hated most was how i was always filled with opinions that cant be contained. i remember when i was five, i was the mc of my kindergarten's award presentation day. during the rehearsal, my principal turned off the switch on our mics. thinking that it was off by mistake, of course i turned it back on. my principal was taken by surprise when my voice filled the empty hall and ran towards me to turn it off again. i then told her that it was supposed to be on and she insisted that i turned it off to the point that she started raising her voice at me. *pauses to laugh at how young i was in my own head and ok back to the story* i have no idea how do i remember stuff like this but i somehow do and this is what i explained to her and im not kidding! "but then if we tried without the mics turned on, how would you know if its gonna sound right tonight?" HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! ok i probably said something like "how would you know if its correct" instead of "gonna sound right" but i was five back then so the 21 year old me has the right to change that like how we would for grammar simpatico ok. but let me tell you this, i remember how the principal didnt explain to me why there wasnt the need to turn it on and just told me to do as she said. i bet i was an annoying kid back then! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!

oh and there was this other time when i was in primary one meaning i was seven and there was this relief teacher who came for english coz miss abraham was on mc and she was teaching us about numbers and she was really crazy because she wrote this on the board:

14 - Fourteen

15 - Fiveteen

despite the fact that she or the board of education was probably on crack when they put her through as a teacher, i was probably on even more crack for telling her this in front of the whole class, "excuse me teacher, i don't remember whats the correct way for that number but im very sure its not fiveteen. it sounds something like fiveteen because it starts with an 'F' also but its not fiveteen". HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i swear that was exactly what i said you know why? coz my mom taught me all i had to know about numbers when i was five and i kept trying to recall what was it my mom said bout 15 when i was still using that colourful dinosaur school bag. you see thats how i recall periods of my life, through a distinct song or object. anyways, the teacher then scolded me "if youre so clever then why dont you come in front and teach instead. *points at 15* this is FIVETEEN and if you think its wrong then you can stand on your chair while copying this *points at greenboard* from the blackboard*". and you know why i said i was on serious crack? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! because i corrected her that its a GREENboard and then was sent out of class to copy it from the corridor through the window. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!! guess what i did next? i left it blank and when miss abraham came back the next day to mark our exercise books, she scolded all of us for being so stupid to write FIVEteen and then corrected her that its FIFteen. and i was so happy that i jumped up from my seat *remember that she was still angry at this point!* and said out loud, "oh ya its FIFTEEN! thats what i told the teacher but then she scolded me so loud and chased me out from the class to copy from the greenboard from the corridor through the window". miss abraham laughed and then said that i wouldve got it right if i practised what my mom taught me. i defended myself saying that my mom taught me that when i was five so i couldnt remember things from THAT long ago and she told me to just admit that i was lazy for not practising.

the way i remember stuff that i remember is crazy i tell you!

and i nearly forgot the whole point of this post. HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! oh yea bout how my dad is not always right. hahahhahahha!!! anyway, this outspokenness to what i think is not right made me extremely unpopular among the kids and typically stupid teachers who for some ridiculous reason hated me for speaking up. and i used to complain to my parents bout it and my dad always reminded me to lay low and "not everyone likes the person who knows the right thing. so just lay low and keep what you know to yourself and just let them continue being wrong. at the end of the day, fighting back will only leave you at the losing end". lets face it, of course there were racial remarks inserted as well but lets leave that out of here.

so what im saying is, the things that i remember is really crazy. and how i hold on to them is even crazier. my dad probably meant well when he said those stuff. he was probably trying to teach me how to protect myself but didnt know how to explain them to a kid. of course i only have myself to blame because even when im already 21 now, i really shouldve had more brains to actually analyze those words than to take them as they are.

but its still funny now that ive figured out where and when i left that feisty and loud-mouthed chubby kid. now that ive found her, i sure hope i dont lose her again! =D

p/s: and this is to you for being such a jerk for the past few months. please get over yourself. it really wouldve made more sense if i had blonde hair and talked with the word "like" in a bimbotic manner after every three words and made every statement slurred up like a question at the end.

1, 2, 3 wont you come and play with me?

2009-08-26T10:13:00.004+08:00

remember those days where each one of our school mates had a role in the play of school politics? one thing that i learned a couple of days back was that people resume that play long after they had left their school ground. the players and roles might have changed but the play still remains the same.

you have the the boss (teacher), manager (teacher's pet), trouble makers (still trouble makers, except that this is in the working field), and the passive ones (those who watch and chip in their two cents every once in a while). back in our school days, the teacher's pet played the role of the mole who reports back to the teacher of how the students are behaving and all that. They know that the other students are aware of the role they play, and they (teacher's pet) try to be part of the them (students) without being in the bad books of the teacher at the same time - being everyone's best friend without having to compromise their relationship with either party.

i remember a girl back in my secondary school who played the role of the teacher's pet. we knew fairly well that she's been the one informing the teacher about everything that went on in our own little class politics. she then tried to be on our good side by constantly making petty remarks about that teacher as well. we all know that play pretty well dont we?

somehow its just funny as i was watching the whole drama 'unfold' the other day just reminded me so much of high school.

so dont blame me when im being put in that position of being the middle person of both parties and the only words you'll get from me is 'i dont know'. not exactly the best way, i know. but it sure saves everyone a heck load of unnecessary drama.

lunch comes with pork.

2009-07-29T16:22:00.006+08:00

www.slipandslidee.blogspot.com

go there for happy clappy posts. its very karerfoooor i promise!

robots 1 humans 0

2009-07-27T07:37:00.001+08:00

26 July 2009: angry, resigned, and defeated.

27 July 2009: a brand new day.

breakfast with the fam

2009-07-25T15:01:00.013+08:00

its not everyday i get to wake up at 7.30am and see the awesomeness of sunrays shining this way into our living room

by 8am it was already THIS bright! cool beans!

more awesome pics of sun

sunrays make cool pics. even cooler than pics of sunrays taken at your house.

trees and plants taken in vivid are cool too

notice how my camera takes blur pics of uninteresting things (cute little girls included) but never misses images of awesome chinese food? note: char siew pao =)~

i swear that kid was an attention hogger. luckily my camera was cool enough to not focus on her (so that makes it even cooler than your camera). lady taking our order of wu kok. p/s: i really couldve just said yam balls but the idea of my surname in there just made it impossible to resist. now say it fast 17times. wu kok not yam balls cheater!

dont underestimate their size. they may be small but their horridness is more than 28times its size! thats how bad they are.

yao char kuey (fried fritters) with fish filling inside and smothered with mayonnaise + salad cream. this will probably clog up every single artery and causes an immediate heart attack but they are to die for! parents hated it though. why do they have weird taste? =/

karen, eat us..

karen, eat uss.. again..

eat usss..

"eat ussss.. ngaummmm!"

this is good artery clogger, said katrina.

she was saying something boring and he was just looking bored. i think.

probably still torturing the man with her overly-used lame jokes. the man still looking bored.

woman is pissed coz no ones laughing at her random jokes (very very poor attempt at humour). woman is always doing the same thing everytime we go for breakfast.

the man behind dad is not our regular stalker. will show pics of said regular stalker some other time.

eat me..

eat mee..

eat meee..

eat meeeee..

eat meeeeeee..

eat meeeeeeeee..

eat meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..

please eat us already!

-the end-

if you've been anticipating for an update from this blog then stare at the image below for 47seconds for intensive mind stimulation.

2009-07-23T17:22:00.004+08:00

you don't know psycho until you've seen psycho (no it's not the movie). hint: three letter word - begins and ends with the letter "M" and rhymes with "numb". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!fml.

Time

2009-07-20T14:05:00.005+08:00

He who learns must suffer, and, even in our sleep,

pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart,

and in our own despair, against our will,

comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

- Aeschylus

1001 words to laughter.

2009-07-04T03:20:00.003+08:00

that 3 seconds,

it reminded me of your silliness.

total randomness;

youre a donkey,

thats what you said everytime i laughed.

how long has that been?

your stupid comment always made me self-conscious. it never failed to make me wonder if i really sounded like a donkey. i remember trying to control myself. to force myself to laugh politely - ladylike, that's what they call it over here. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! i think it was even more disastrous! i had to force myself to unfunnysize everything that i felt was funny. and if you know me, EVERYTHING is funny to me. T___T well not everything exactly, but my brain always has a way to make it funny. i think this is the effect of being introduced to tony buzan before you enter primary one.

so where was i?

oh yeah. bout me trying to feminize my laughter. urm.. yea.. that didnt go so well. i think you saw that coming. so you told me to just go "i'd rather see you laughing like a donkey".

hahahahhaha.. i nearly forgot the point of this story. HAHAHAHAHHA... at your expense suckers!

so yea.. that day you told me that i laughed like a man because of my sore throat. well to be more precise, you actually said "can you at least TRY not to laugh while youre already sounding like a man".

so leeyi and victor, i know youre gonna miss my donkey laughter so much once youre gone. maybe leeyi will be glad that she got rid of what she deems as YALAR! YOU LAUGH UNTIL DAMN ANNOYING YOU KNOW OR NOT?!! im sure she'll secretly miss it when we're not geographically close anymore. hurhurhur.. and victor, i know you will miss this as much as i - everytime we end our loud and annoying laughter with WOOOHOOOOO!!! or sometimes WHEEEEEEHIUUWWWWWW!!!.

oh yea the point of this story is, we must laugh when we're at the airport! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! wtf.

project happyness

2009-06-20T19:14:00.002+08:00

to sleep all day

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

to wake up and feel the sunshine on my face

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

with friends

we laugh and dance

jumping and reaching for our dreams

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

all i want is

to infinite this.

thank you (you know who you are)

thank you for all the memories.

glitch

2009-06-14T20:19:00.003+08:00

they rush in colonies

like ants marching towards sweetness

a finger is put

a plastic ruler even

anything around us

blocking their little trail

unseen

a mark is made

running

to stop is not a possibility

in what we know as our path

how fickle minded

gullible

fragile indeed

from brown bunnies

to little white fluffs

drugged

how addictive indeed

to know that we're that fragile

cheap china in our own hands

an endless trail

a bottomless pit even

name it anything we want

anything the mind says

anything at all

a square

or circle

figments of an attempt at poetic depression

as we know it

another meaningless tragedy

like little corpses ran over

our own mechanics

its all in us.

Jay Aye Dee E Dee : jaded

2009-06-04T08:41:00.003+08:00

i wish i were

but i know im not

unless

sacrifices were made

fatal sacrifices

the more i see

the worse i feel

and i know it wont go away anytime soon

why?

thats just the way it is

nose bleeds.

prozac

2009-06-01T04:44:00.002+08:00

to be dependant is a blissful yet scary feeling. being answered to a dialing tone is something that i fear extremely. what has happened to me? it didnt used to be this way. there was always peace in writing and reading. right now my mind has made it a burden. an extremely tiring and exhausting burden. what has happened? it just didnt used to be this way. a first after such a long time, im seeing myself turning into someone dependant. and to know that there isnt one singled out person that i could fully rely on makes it even more painful and scary. what has happened? it definitely didnt used to be this way. im looking at myself getting more lost and confused each day. i want to stop this. but i just cant seem to find a way to do it. why am i still hanging on to this ghost? knowing very well that it cant go on this way. what used to be the solution is now shadowing who i really am inside. its as if im slowly losing myself in a whole new realm that i swore against from the very first time i recognized it. looking in that thin piece of silver and being mocked back. anything but welcoming. what has happened?

its definitely not the cold of the night.

maybe all of us are just the same - wolves without a tail.

2009-06-01T03:09:00.005+08:00

this thing called jealousy.

its a crazy feeling.

it turns your very core against all thats in its way.

it feeds off every nubile emotion in you.

its an avalanche of unspoken sins.

we just dont talk about it.

but it doesnt mean we dont feel it.

my mind is telling me to fight it off.

stop it before it consumes you

another part of me is questioning if i really want to.

paranoia.

do you enjoy having tuna in a can for dinner? doesn't that sentence itself overflows with awesome fishy goodness?

2009-05-29T19:05:00.008+08:00

you know how our ears and brain are connected?

i'll let you in on one secret;

i could disconnect mine.

don't ask me how.

i just can.

photographic evidence on me obtaining special powers.

im in a very distraught mood right now.

this crazy month-long hiatus is already taking its toll on me.

both physically and mentally.

you know how some people go crazy skinny when theyre stressed out.

well im a living evidence of something that defies the law of physics/stress.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

trust me when i say that if i had that kind of mas selamat power,

i would definitely use it to make it so much easier for you.

don't have to scream it in my ears.

using that kind of powers on you would be a simple gesture of thank you very much.

are you blinded by my awesomeness already? if not kindly touch your eyeballs to your screen.

chamomile tea

2009-05-28T17:36:00.003+08:00

you said it

she.

perhaps it will be easier to just move on.

i should keep my brain back in its box now.

heart?

it'll now what to do from here.

it always does.

my pretty chameleon.

she and my face.

theatre.

I am

2009-05-22T23:45:00.000+08:00

we always strive to look at things "as a bigger picture" but then sometimes we tend to lose track of the finer details.

balance, they say.

places change.

nations develop.

we all change eventually,

don't we?

it's a true challenge to keep our passion, dreams, and our principles alive along the journey.

it's not easy. but it's not impossible either.

Perfection

2009-05-21T05:28:00.004+08:00

As idealistic humans who walk the face of the earth since the beginning of civilization, we will constantly find ourselves on the infinite search for perfection. For the female race, in one way or another, there will be a time where we will seek and thus chase after perfection in body image. Perhaps not for all, but i believe in todays modern society where we are being slapped with advertisements, shows and what-not on an almost daily basis, the path to that "beacon" is what most of the female population is aiming towards - even if it means risking it all.

However, does this so-called perfection truly exists?

During my early teenage years, I was one of those who believed that if i had that 'perfect body', everything else would be easy peasy.

"If I had the perfect body, I wouldn't be single".

"If I had the perfect body, I would have a rich and handsome boyfriend who would spoil me with all the luxuries he could afford".

"If I had the perfect body, my teachers would excuse me for not doing my work".

"If I had the perfect body, I would be going out and mixing around with more people everyday".

"If I had the perfect body, I would be happier because I don't have to worry about what others will see me as".

I could go on and on about how delusional I was (and still am at times) and there's really only one reply I could tell myself if I was my age right now back then - WTF?!!!

See how I restricted and scared the heck out of myself because I didn't have the 'perfect body'? How crazily delusional I was for believing that everything would be ladeeda~ if I was a size 0? PSYCHOTIC!

Instead of making me happier, it made me struggle with eating disorder for more than five years.

Instead of making me happier, I stopped enjoying food and became best friends with the toilet bowl. *hello jamban! how have you been?* T______T

Instead of making me happier, it turned me into a sneaky rat who lied my way around having to put food into my mouth and making people believe that I was normal. *nolar mrs goh. im not bulimic or anorexic. i just happen to work out alot lar. hahahahha..* (yaaaaaaaaa... energy come from where ar? drink petronas primax ar?) T_________T

Instead of making me happier, I was too busy fainting and having dizzy spells to attend school like the others. *hello minyak cap kapak! did you miss me?* T____________T

Instead of making me happier, I fell deeper and deeper into the extreme obsession with the figures on the measuring tape and weighing machine.

Like I had said, the list is endless.

Back then, I was so experienced with all the weight issues and eating disorders that I even managed to write a script for my high school's choral speaking group which contributed in us emerging as champions. *like that also proud. wtf.* T________T

Those that has been mentioned were just an iota of the whole five years ride of torture. Come and buy me a drink and we can sit down and i'll tell you the whole story. Story telling time by Aunt Karen. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

Anyway, I'm talking about this now because I want to be the next Oprah Winfrey who wants to help all those out there who's struggling with eating disorder and hopefully inspire them to realize that the only way to get out from it is by loving and accepting ourselves for who we truly are - perfect. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHA... nolar. damn geli when i read back this paragraph. fml. ok maybe not the part of wanting to be Oprah (actually its true HAHAHHAHA), but I do sincerely hope that people will one day learn to love and accept themselves for who they truly are and not the figures on a piece of machine. Unless you calculate your bmi and you're obese then it would be advisable to cut back on the junk food and start exercising and the formula to calculate is weight(kg)/height(m) x height(m) and if it's 18.5 and below that means you should have more cupcakes and if it's 18.5-25 that means you're normal and ish damn long ok just go and google it and don't be so lazy lar.

Are you inspired now? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHA!!!

I'm not putting all the "HAHAHAHHAs" to mock you who are reading this ok! (as if there's THAT many people reading) *in denial of the non-existant number of readers* T_____T

It's just me and my nervous laughter when I'm trying to sound all serious. It's a disorder. Says Dr. Karen BA.Hons in Self-Proclamtion. hurhurhur... are you inspired yet? wtf.

Eating disorder IS a serious issue ok people! If you find yourself having difficulties in over-coming it. Get someone trustworthy (preferably knowledgable and credible in the medical field) to talk to. Sometimes all we really need is someone to listen. As someone once told me to get me talking (and later brought me to tears. *wuss* T___T) "Sometimes all we really need is someone to listen, and I have two ears... And two shoulders in case you need to cry".

Talk damn a lot lar today. In conclusion (like essay writing ya children T___T), learn to love and accept yourself for who you truly are. If everyone in the world turn their backs against you, remember that you still have yourself, God, and Aunt Karen. -____-

Okbabai now coz I still have to finish up my assignments. hurhurhur..

Suara Hati

2009-05-18T23:17:00.003+08:00

i hope another random annoying bastard comes up to me and says, "karen, just listen to your heart". just so you know, theres someone on the same block who keeps telling me that everytime we meet up. HAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!! imagine if i did that!

Block C resident: Come on Karen. Just listen to your heart.

Karen: Ok! *Beat beat beat*

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!

lets disco dance!

2009-05-18T18:56:00.008+08:00

my mind. how do i explain my mind? where do i even begin? i always thought that if i kept up with this mentality, i would go mental even sooner than i can say "eat your veggies son!"

so right now im in this position where the amphibian has understood its own abilities and limitations concerning the whole land and water issue. but then you somehow know that its impossible to be living in the water the whole time even though you could but not forever thats why youre a toad. *memories of katak kristal dashes in mind*

so anyway as i was saying. yea! you know yourself but at the same time its like.. you THINK you know.

right now im upset bout things and people mainly due to issues that has been on everyones mind. mine included. but then for the past two weeks, it has gone pretty out of hand to the point of just being plain annoying. things are not always black and white! things that we see are not always what they seem to be. ok maybe at times they do. but not all the time! wtf?!! so smart then go and do something with all that brain lar! dont come and psychoanalyse me eh sai boh? knn.

its memang damn geli when i feel the need to be all happy-happy-clappy-fatty-bom-bom. either that or just mampuskan myself and selit into that mindset and just feed on air and life. *punches fist into the air and screams "get high on life yeah!"* T___T memang damn geli lar! knn after what i heard the way i was being perceived was lagi geli! lagi knn x12398127387 times ok! you listen and see you dulan or not?!! and this reminds me of the time when uncle shane and aunty fay used to make fun on me with this stupid limerick "fei po fei tut tut. or si or mm chut." (fatty fatty girl. want to shit but kena constipation/sembelit). actually its quite funny lar when i think bout it now. hurhurhur..

what im saying is that at times im really tempted to drown myself in a certain image that im used to seeing in magazines and all that but then i know that i cant. not because its difficult lur ok. being a bulimic is damn easy ok. just that that was the destructive path that i had gone through for the past five years. it was satisfying and ego-boosting i may say. but then at the end of the day, you know that youre just killing yourself.

see! its damn therapeutic to write. i started of being damn pissed over such a small matter. and after bullshitting dunno how much words here its damn syiok lor. like makan kimchi kind of syiok. or even like online-stalking some random dude kinda syiok. no lar. not that i stalk ppl online lar ok. ok maybe theres this one guy. just one ok. and i didnt add him on msn or fb or whatever like what ali told me to ok! so im just a third degree stalker. hes got very chinese eyes btw. very chinese looking kinda cute. like that when he wants to eowh ---> -_- hurhurhur...

someone commented about how random and vague the posts are. its not because i have a mind that cant keep itself in one place at one time. well actually that is part of the case. but not entirely.

you dont expect me to lay myself bare like that to be picked upon by everyone do you? all due respect to those who take that road for whatever reasons youve chosen but then its just not for me because thats not how we roll. *raises canadian flag* but then i dont want to quit writing here just because im worried bout that. so the only way is to be as vague as possible. you have your own views and interpretation of it. no ones stopping you. so yea.

why still write online then if i dont want to allow others to know whats in my mind and would rather choose to confuse those reading here? well because i can. *walks off with heroic music playing and hair heroically blown by the wind and readers gasp in awe in my heroism*

selamat pagi puan jacob.

2009-05-18T18:26:00.002+08:00

reminds me of the days in national service when sharon used to scream at me "karen! damn random lar you!"

i miss the robotic life in camp. T___T

wakenabebbbb!!!

2009-05-11T15:01:00.005+08:00

tagged.

001. Real Name: karen kok hsi hsi.
002. Nickname(s): mou mou. pui po.
003. Age: 21
004. Horoscope: aquarius.
005. Male or Female: female.
006. Elementary: convent.
007. Middle School: convent.
008. High School: convent.
009. College School: luct.
010. Hair colour: black.
011. Long or Short: short.
012. Loud or Quiet: quiet.. *shy* teehee..
013. Sweats or Jeans: jeans.
014. Phone or Camera: camera.
015. Health Freak: seasonal.
016. Drink or Smoke: neither. teehee..
017. Do you have a crush on someone: jonas bjerre.
018. Eat or Drink: both.
019. Piercings: er duo. telinga. yi zai. ears.
020. Tattoos: not at the mo.
021. Social or Anti-Social: social.
022. Righty or lefty: right.
023. First piercing: ears.
024. First relationship: 16.
025. First Best Friend: lisa liew hiao hiao. *shy*
026. First Award: kindergarten.
027. First Kiss: *shy* teehee.. (im bored already T_________T)
028. First Pet: tadpole. my brother told me thats what baby mermaids looked like.
029. First Big Vacation: mexico.
030. First Love at first sight: prince eric from the little mermaid. and all my other imaginary husbands always ended up with the same name as well. T___T
031. First Big Birthday: 9 at the golden arch. didnt we all had that for at least once in our life?
032. First Surgery: the removal of my wisdom tooth(?) I SWEAR IT WAS EVIL!
033. First sport you joined: sprinting.
034. Orange or Apple juice: neither.
035. Rock or Rap: both.
036. Country or Screamo: both.
037. NSYNC or Backstreet boys: 5566. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! eh laugh eh.
038. Britney spears or Christina Aguilera: christina.
039. Night or Day: both.
040. Sun or Moon: both.
041. TV or Internet: Both.
042. Playstation or xbox: playstation!
043. Kiss or hug: hugs.
044. Iguana or turtle: iguana.
045. Spider or bee: spider.
046. Fall or spring: both.
047. Limewire or iTunes: limewire.
048. Soccer or baseball: soccer.
049. Eating: edible.
050. Drinking: minum milo anda jadi sihat dan kuat! nolar. coffee.
051. Excitement level: level 27 dengan kuasa ghaib harris periuk.
052. I'm about to: feed my lazy dog with steroids.
053. Listening to: the power rangers soundtrack. power chords giler! teehee.. ^_^V
054. Plan for today: buat reading log dan mengbelog untuk pembaca setia.
055. Waiting for: mew to come to msia.
056. Energy Level: due ratus lapan puluh tujuh peratus. *yatta!*
057. Thinking of someone: kawan-kawan di siberjayer. hur hur hur...
058. Want kids?: tak nak. *muka mengada*
059. Want to get married?: erm.. tak berape minat buat skang. *muka mengada 2897312%
060. When?: ish. kan dah kater tak nak! *muka cimb*
061. How many kids do you want: tak paham bahase. benci!
062. Any name on the mind: aznil nawawi. tom tom bak bersamer abang aznil! *pew weeeet!*
063. What do you want to do: nak gi shopping kat pavillion. kedai guess kan ader diskaun. teehee..
065. Mellow future or wild: i nak liar macam si tigger kat kartun beruang pooh! teehee.. ^^V
066. Something you would never try: erm.. kontrol cun kat depan balak i. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
067. When do you want to die: ish.. doser cakap pasal mati kat bulan lima haribulan sebelas!
068. Lips or Eyes: nak mater macam bered pittS ngan bibir cam anjelina joli! seksi diorang kat dalam citer tuan dan puan smith.
069. Romantic or Funny?: kelakar. tak best ar kalo asyik beromen jek kan?
070. Shorter or Taller?: i tak kisah sebab i pun tak lah tinggi sampai maner. *malu* teehee..
072. Romantic or Spontaneous?: i suker laki yang spontan. macho gilerrrr! teehee.. ^^V
073. Nice Stomach or Nice Arms?: kalau boleh i nak nice... teehee.. *malu*
074. Sensitive or Loud?: dua-dua kena balens.
075. Hook-up or Relationship?: relationship.
076. Trouble Maker or Hesitant?: good mix of both.
077. Muscular or normal: insignificant.
078. Kissed a stranger: no.
079. Broken a bone: dislocated my spine. so no i havent broken a bone.
080. Lost glasses or contacts: belum pernah lagi.
081. Ran away from home: sekali je.
082. Held a gun/knife for self defence: no.
083. Killed somebody: no.
084. Broken some one's heart: hopefully not.
085. Had your heart broken: we live we learn.
086. Been arrested: no.
087. Cried when someone died: yes.
088. Liked a friend more than a friend: *looks at ground and kicks imaginary dust*
089. Yourself: love myself. surelah ade. teehee..
090. Miracles: takes place at the most unexpected of times.
091. Love at first sight: only happens to one in a million. unless youre delusional all the time.
092. Heaven: upstairs.
093. Santa Claus: is struggling with Atkins. its the potatoes. its always the potatoes. *sighs*
094. Tooth Fairy: was made up to fool ignorant white kids and asian anglophiles. just like the SATs.
095. Kiss in the first date: *yawns*
096. Angels: twelve.
097. Is there 1 person you want to be with right now? : no.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you're in life now? : yes.
099. Do you believe in God? : yes.
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people.

ten people.

are you are you?

2009-05-10T02:55:00.002+08:00

many a times

we're sure we know;

we know we know;

we think we know;

do we really?

we want them

fast.

immediate.

right here

right now.

do we really?

many a times

i was sure i knew;

i knew i knew;

i think i knew;

did i really?

are you are you?

this too shall pass

2009-05-09T02:44:00.002+08:00

at times

we're really just as ignorant.

augustus,

lorenzo,

maria,

unknown.

it's just a phase.

we drink, we dance, we live.

happiness.

temporary happiness.

at times

we're really just as ignorant.

mominhup gor, cheng lei yun liong ngo ba!

2009-05-04T02:40:00.000+08:00

aunty fay used to say to me, "if you know you shouldnt have done it then why did you even do it?"

how do i answer to that? "because im an idiot who should take my foot out from my mouth but then i'll somehow find another way to put it back in again"?

this is not a sad post. just a way of apologizing to this friend that ive hurt today. hes probably gonna read this so i guess this is the only way i could think of to tell him how sorry i truly am. i hate to see myself as one of those people who apologizes so many times that they word "sorry" eventually loses its meaning. i know im contradicting myself here but YES i admit that i am a totally clueless idiot at times like these! T_____T

i just hope you know that no matter what happens, i truly appreciate having a friend like you. i know youre gonna roll your eyes and throw a towel rack at me once youve read this. but thats how i really feel right now. im sorry for being such an idiot. if watching me pretending to be a disney princess and prancing around with 4 1/2 inches heels will make you feel better, then to prance in heels i shall! (although i secretly enjoy prancing around and pretending im a princess at times T______T).

so there you have it. embarassing fact no.1898712.

saya sayang pada kamu ya kawan. tolong jangan marah lagi. saya jadi puteri disney esok okei? *shy*

fml.

2009-04-08T22:13:00.003+08:00

i absolutely hate it when this happens. its so bloody awful!

first i wake up feeling like crap. and then from the feeling of being utterly useless it turns me into this monster who just wants to take a waterbottle and slap everyone with it. and then from that crazy bitch i will pick the saddest song ever written and cry myself to sleep and then wake up and get so tempted to tell everyone to just fuck off. and then i get on msn and everyone just keeps saying the wrong things that are like dousing pepper into my eyes. and that reminds me of this one time when my dad used to buy all these wasabis in a tube and me and my brother used to dare each other to press the air out of it and into our eyes. yes coz we're retarded like that. i think it was all those walks in shopping malls under renovation. some of that glue probably shot straight into our brains but i'll leave that story for another entry dammit i hate everyone including my bloody ovaries right now! although theyre not technically bleeding yet unless i punch them or they decide to go all operation menstruation on me cb why am i feeling like that?!!!

and me not being able to control any of these makes it even more awful!

i hope my period comes tomorrow.

p/s: maybe i should get a bf right now so that i could dump someone coz the only way for me to be really happy is to make someone damn dulan. T__________T

classified

2009-03-22T18:30:00.002+08:00

when you stand before that thin layer of silver,

please tell me what do you see?

were your yellow bricks neatly laid?

or were you wondering if those pigtails

a pathetic attempt to cuteness

were 17degrees askewed?

do you know why you never got the whole truth?

it wasnt because they wanted to protect you

it wasnt because they cared for you

it was pathetic

they knew you couldnt take all those words

see what a test-drive could do to you

it really wouldve been more fun

if you were quicker

more intelligent

more challenging

youre just another boring player

in your pretentious badges and uniforms

bravado?

i accepted you once

you really shouldnt have said that

that one word just did it

it was all it took

you said you didnt need friends

thats what you thought

what if i told you the poison

its working

manusia sememangnya mempersonakan

2009-03-16T19:48:00.003+08:00

waste my time! sial! its effing hilarious though to see how gullible you are. it was fun for a while. but not fun enough.

times when you shouldnt be so alert.

2009-03-14T13:16:00.004+08:00

i was just telling a friend the other day about how im feeling indifferent about the people around me. its not such a bad thing to do actually. sometimes its really out of the need to simply stay level-headed.

in the past couple of days, one of them came up to me in an attempt to tell me bout whats been going on recently. i just felt indifferent.

and then this morning, another one came and we talked. along that conversation there was a couple of questions i was being asked.

i dont know how to explain this in words, but for some reason, when i put two and two together, the picture couldnt have been any clearer. its crazy i tell you. the way my mind works. i hardly doubt my instincts/presumptions/any other words with the similiar affect because its not a once or twice thing. theres this thing in my head where i just naturally pay VERY CAREFUL attention to what people are saying to me and for some crazy reason, my mind just detects the randomly connected pieces and out comes the picture. i honestly wished that i wasnt so sharp when it comes to things like that. but now ive just learned to embrace that part of me.

i dont want to mention anything to anyone as i doubt it will benefit anyone in the end. however, i just hope that everyone will know what theyre getting themselves into and make the best out of it. heres to the hope of no one making the same mistakes they did in the past. perhaps at least think before you act.

this is just too weird even for myself. just hope that everything will turn out well for everyone at the end of the day. okbabai.

Easter 1916

2009-03-13T12:54:00.004+08:00

I have met them at close of day

Coming with vivid faces

Eighteenth-century houses.

I have passed with a nod of the head

Or polite meaningless words,

Or have lingered awhile and said

Polite meaningless words,

And thought before I had done

Of a mocking tale or a gibe

To please a companion

Aroung the fire at the club,

Being certain that they and I

But lived where motley is worn:

All changed, changed utterly:

A terrible beauty is born.

-W.B. Yeats.

train rides

2009-03-07T00:26:00.003+08:00

sometimes i really wish that i was a lot stronger than this. that i wouldnt be so overwhelmed with emotions that all i want to do is just to sit there and cry. as much as i hate it when things like this happens, when how people always has this thinking that im capable of doing every damn thing. sometimes i wonder if this would happen to me if i were a son instead.

when i was in the train, all i could do was just to stop thinking bout what was it that brought me here; why is it that ive decided to just step away and take charge of the situation; why is it that im always treated in such a way. because at the end of the day, all these thoughts would only upset me even more. makes me complain about my situation. makes me be even more self-centred and keep turning in circles.

so at that moment when i was sandwiched between the endless throng of people, i just kept telling myself that its not such a big deal. i just have to do what i have to do and then sleep it off. its going to be alright again when i wake up.

i know i could handle this. i just have to stop underestimating my own abilites and strenghts. life goes on. nothing is ever that big of a deal.

2009

2009-02-28T00:29:00.003+08:00

its been a while since i last updated this page.

as usual, the sem has started bout a week already and things have been going on pretty well. the only thing that i need some getting used to is probably the way im trying to handle things now. like not talking out the stuffs that are bothering me. in a way its like not admitting to myself that the "problem" is THAT big of a deal that i really need to get it out of my chest. these days i either just try to calm myself down with reading or songs, or if it gets too much, just take a stroll and then sleep it off. im still trying to get used to this method.

its not the most comfortable way of dealing with it, but i do think that it does helps me in not being such an easily agitated person.

this is a very short entry. so erm... till next time then. just dont hold your breath for the next one.

have a good day everyone. =)

makanlah di restoran oriental cravings di one utama! eh lupa.. tak halal.

2009-01-26T00:44:00.015+08:00

It's 12.44am, which means one thing: Happy Chinese New Year people! =D

This timing couldn't have been better for me to talk a bit about my current sem break job, especially when the previous Sunday Star's your say section had been touching on the (closely) related issues.

1. Ten of the worst.
2. Respect please.
3. No excuse for bad service.

As some of you might have already known, I've been helping out my aunt at her restaurant in 1utama, Oriental Cravings, since December. If you don't, well i'm helping out at my aunt at her restaurant in 1utama, Oriental Cravings. =P

Front view of OC

Of course, there are those days (almost on a daily basis. ALMOST) where you meet with customers who are erm.. a tad too unnecessarily rude/snotty. but never to the point of ruining my whole day lar *keeps fingers crossed*. when you're in this line, you HAVE to have control of your own personal emotions in check. which is one important thing that i've learned throughout this experience, thus brings me to why i agree on Timothy on how there is no reason for a bad service.

Being in the service line where you meet different people from all walks of life during your working hours is where you should be ready (in my opinion) to make the best out of the situation in keeping the customers happy. No matter how much they are testing your patience. Yes. I do think that that is part of our job. There's no such thing, or place, for us to be all 'take it or leave it'. I think that's just taking things a little too personal. (p/s: Miss Vaneetha, so how bout a slight push for my PR grade? =D)

Back view of OC

How is it that some people could walk to a customer's table like they're all out to get you is beyond my understanding. Isn't that in the job description when you first applied? Rule No.1: Have to smile and be courteous to customers at all times even if all you want to do is stab them with their own fork.

I'm speaking as both a first hand customer and a waitress. Of course I would like to be served by a happy person. No, I don't want to see that look on your face as if your hamster just died. That is just plain unnecessary. As for the customers, it would be nice if they could be polite to their server. Generally speaking, you wouldn't want to talk/be talked to by someone who's face looked as if they're sucking a lemon which never seems to finish its taste do you? I think that's just unnecessary.

Like the other day when there was this slightly wacked out customer who was lashing out on me about how the people who were smoking were getting on her nerves. Erm.. lady, you did requested for a seat outside which i had clearly informed you that it is a smoking area and you declined my offer to seat you inside which is a non-smoking area so erm.. your complain really isn't making much sense to me. So do you want me to stop the others from smoking just so that you could continue with your meal in peace and pollution-free air? because then i would be eaten alive by the others as well for making a ridiculous request. btw, do you mind not yelling on at me because the last thing i need now is to have my hearing impaired just because youre having a bad day. oh and you wanna hear the story bout my housemate's dead hamsters and how they all died? i could even add in every single one of their sexually explicit names foc. =/

Though it has only been two months, but that doesn't mean that i haven't met my fair share of wacko customers now have i?

But i do have to admit that sometimes the customers do get a tad too much as well. Do they not understand that the server's job is to serve and the cook's job to cook? Although we run as a body/organization, but sometimes please be a little more considerate when your meal is running a little slow when the restaurant is obviously running on full steam already. We can't help it that everyone decided to all makan at the same time. Do you think we don't wish that we could take over the kitchen staffs place so that we could serve your meals within 15mins just so that we would not have to get our heads bitten off? Trust me when i say that it's best to leave the cooks to their job so that the hospital doesn't have to bring a stomach pump eventhough i do make a mean dish of mashed potatoes.

The point is that you have been informed before-hand that your orders will run a little late. Because then you can choose if you are willing to wait a little while or decide to try out another eatery. If we didn't, then it is our fault. But it would be nice if you could understand if we are so busy in keeping up with the others as well that it had slipped our mind to do so. Needless to say that it is our fault, but please don't make it harder for us than it already is. It would be nice to not be yelled at, but if you decided that there is a need to do it then, oh well. That's all i'm saying.

There are days when the place is so packed that the only thing you could think about is the hours more to go before the messenger/waitress/supervisor/miss may, notifies the customers that it would be the last order for the day *cue cheesy orchestra music*.

However, there are also days where we (waitresses) are on this psychadelic high in trying to clean out all the day's specials! You should see my friend Jane high 5ing everyone all the way from the customers's tables to the counter when something off the menu is sold. That woman's enthusiasm and commitment to her job is seriously infectious!

This whole whirlwind of an experience had indeed taught me how to be both a better customer and waitress. So people, smile lar everyone once in a while. =D

p/s: im always so tempted to add in a lame pun intended line of the joker asking "why so serious?" everytime i see a customer who looks like shes related to victor's hamsters (dead) but then there is this deafining silence in my head followed by a cyber nerd's annoying voice saying "awkwardddd" and then an image of miu miu pops into my head. *shifty eyes*

"I love my job. I love my job."

- Emily, The Devil wears Prada.

im karen.

2009-01-07T00:09:00.002+08:00

got to know a new friend yesterday. well not exactly new. was in fact my classmate just that we never talked before this. wonder why was that...

so from one missed call it went on to a whole days worth of text messages. funny how things turn out sometimes. learned a couple of stuff as well. surprisingly, it actually went pretty well.

i really do need more people like that in my life.

funny... =)

trying

2009-01-05T23:22:00.003+08:00

every blog ive visited has been swarmed with pages long worth of resolutions and all that new year stuff and i was pretty tempted to do the same and then thought "maybe its best to leave that personal stuff in handwriting". =/

so heres a very mundane post about the days before the new year. recap people!

so erm.. couple of days before the big 09 i received a couple of messages from people ranging from party invites to just plain hanging out with random people. not really my idea of fun to end the year. work has been well.. work. but im not complaining. its a pretty good way to just step out from my comfort zone and earn some cash. even if it means putting up with a couple of wacked out people who decided to turn eating out into a lets annoy the shit out of these chinese waitresses and smack their faces with our fake engrisssssh accent fest.

im complaining already arent i?

so erm yeah.. just layan only lar.

and erm.. so i decided that i really wasnt in the mood to make small talks with random people by hanging out with a couple of friends and lisa's message couldnt have come at a more perfect time. so it was just gonna be both of us being silly at starbucks with her laptop and just chillaxing there. just so you know, thats her in the previous post.

i had a great time and who knows that it only cost two drinks to have so much fun. we had strange stares from people around seeing two person laughing in front of the comp with their mouths stuffed with serviettes (note: dont butcher me if i happened to spell that wrongly).

so erm what else eh?

we hung out for bout 3-4hours plus and then she dropped me off a lil past midnight since i was working the next day. and then i guessed i kinda pissed someone off for some reason. perhaps? i dont know.

i dont even know if i should be writing bout this. its kinda bugging me as much as i try to ignore it.

which brings me to the topic bout those who are reading this. i know what they say bout how if youre gonna do this on the internet that you should be prepared that people are gonna read it somehow and lay their criticisms on it.

i do realize that this IS a mundane blog. but it doesnt reflect my person as a whole. if im happy i just wanna go out there and enjoy it. which is why only the sappy posts are up. i find writing theraupeutic. not because im depressed ALL the time. i mean some people jot down bout their daily lives. some bout those happy moments. and im just doing the same thing, except bout different occasions. so does that makes me a self-centred person? at first i was so sure that i was being misintepreted. but now im really not so sure anymore.

i guess to most of the people out there has this perception that a blog is supposed to be something which talks bout the excitement of life. bout how theyre living each day. well my apologies that i dont come across as that. not even close. but that doesnt mean that im not living my life. i just dont jot it down. what started out as a medium to rant out turned into something that is talked about for my lack of optimistic views. see how easy it is to be put out and judged just because you dont conform to their perceptions?

theres no need to remind me again about how boring this blog is. i hear it often enough to make me rethink if i should just shut this down once and for all. i mean seriously, if its upsetting then why carry on? then theres also the whole other thought of just doing what i feel comfortable with. just take everything as it is and not too personally.

i guess i just have to try harder at not trying to please everyone. i'll only end up losing more than i can afford.

not a very optimistic and constructing post isnt it?

oh well...

Hedo from Springfield

2009-01-01T00:05:00.004+08:00

Yo brader and sista! Phew weet~!

This post is dedicated to my loyal readers out there.

I am currently sitting next to a pro-Japanese Malaysian, Karen Kok Hisashi at Setarrbakso, Centrepoint Menara Tokyo di Jepun cerebwating the first day of toow jilo jilo nine.

Wokeh, I'm too nervous to type now since Miss Kok is molesting me. *shy*

あけましておめでとうございます (Akemashite omedeto gozaimasu) Don't get it? Google it!

Before I forget, AISHITERU Karen Kok Hisashi Hsi Hsi!

Been friends since Primary One, and our friendship is still going stronger :)

Oopsie! It's bart's sister here.

xoxo you know you lap me,
Lisa :D

the waitress

2008-12-30T23:41:00.002+08:00

so this is how it feels like.

if i was handed a glass right now. this is what i'll do with it - without a doubt.

have been away for the last couple of weeks. been working.

its all good.

you see all kinds of people;

some decent, but not all.

but its nice to be in this situation.

theres so much to learn.

every yell and every word sputtered;

theres always something ready to be extracted underneath all that wool.

am i happy?

indeed.

this is something that no amount of education could prepare you for.

maybe to a certain degree it does - perhaps.

how exciting!

people - hello!

sick

2008-12-11T01:06:00.000+08:00

thank you lisa. =)

Placebo

2008-12-03T14:00:00.005+08:00

there's a short row of names.
everyone's in it except you.
how much you meant in someone's life,
does that row signifies something?
pretending that it's just you and your mind.
you know and you just have to accept it.
it's as simple as that.
so what are you still waiting for?

evoke

2008-12-02T02:51:00.001+08:00

at times like this, i realize that my mind is a lot stronger than my heart.

somehow i know.

walk

2008-11-11T20:22:00.006+08:00

the problem with me is that i tend to overthink. no matter how much i try to avoid it, i will soon end up making back the same mistake before i can ask why.

recently, this ridiculous habit finally took its toll and i had to pay a very painful cost. how much i wished that i could turn back time and lock myself in a room so that i wouldnt be able to do that damage.

i wouldnt exactly say that i completely regret of the things that had happened. of course i am dissapointed at myself at the result of my habit, but then again, if i didnt make that mistake, i wouldve probably not realized how destructive to relationships it could be.

trusting someone had never been easy. thoughout the years, i had always kept a distance from everyone i know. no matter how close we are. i hate myself for it. trust me. i really do. but then ive always thought that it doesnt matter much for its not like its hurting people around me. how wrong i was.

for the past week, i 'forced' myself to just quit thinking and learn to trust and accept. but then in the end i couldnt take it anymore as it just wasnt me to not 'over-rationalise'. right now, im still paying the price for it. after all that has been said and done, i know that i can never undo that mistake that i did. all i can hope for is that i dont do anymore further damage to what seems to be already partially broken. i really cant afford to lose anymore than i already have.

the more i get to know other people, the more i realize how ignorant i had been all these years. how narrow minded i was. how silly my thoughts were. i still do stand up for what i believe is right. but i need to give myself the time to really analyze if it IS truly right. and not get buried alive in the gravel of self-rightousness. its silly.

im just holding on to the phrase: "time will heal all wounds". i just pray that it isnt too deep to the point of just a painful scar of my mistakes.

we are the water bearers

2008-11-07T02:22:00.004+08:00

this whole feeling of independence

it pours in

smashing down walls of self-doubts

it drowns all fears

fear of loneliness

fear of sadness

fear of unhappiness

its liberating!

for the past couple of months, i had been so blinded by the current confusion in front of my eyes that ive forgotten about the essence that helped me survive till this day. it's time i brought them out of their cases. i miss this feeling.

this feeling of being fearless.

this feeling of taking risks.

this feeling of not stepping down without a fight.

this feeling of knowing that we dont foster weakness.

i miss the old me. ive been away from myself for far too long now.

how much ive missed this warm embrace.

Saya Dibubuhi Tanda

2008-11-06T13:46:00.008+08:00

1. The person who last tag you is: Fui Yin.

2. Your relationship with him/her is: Chilli-tuna-eating-in-math-class-at-14 classmate (for five years)... as classmates, not the tuna eating.

3. Your five impression of him/her: Sporty, Diligent, Persistent, Debater, Intelligent.

4. The most memorable thing he/she had done for you: Brought 'beng pei' mooncake from home coz i liked them so much. T.T

5. The most memorable thing he/she had said to you: Everytime she starts of her sentence with: "Ei Karen! Your kuan yin ma ar!!!" Whenever she's mad at her, she looks at me as if I'm actually related to this Goddess. T.T (Well IT IS memorable).

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will: Tell her that my impression towards lesbians went sour after Mdm Xin Fu. *shivers*

7. If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be: To stop relating me with kuan yin ma. Though I know we look freakily alike in our Form 1 class photo. (You don't er chui lor fui yin. Don't think I don't know that you'll go and dig back our yearbook and laugh at it. T_______T).

8. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will: Convince her that my great great great grandaunt's uncle's best friend's mistress's granduncle's neighbour's cat's owner's daughter's ex-boyfriend's father knows someone who owns the whole arsenal team.

9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be: Confess to her that my great great great grandaunt's uncle's best friend's mistress's granduncle's neighbour's cat's owner's daughter's ex-boyfriend's father doesn't really knows anyone that owns the whole arsenal team.

10. The most desired thing you want to do for him/her now is: Pick her up from her uni so that we could do some catching up. It's been more than 2 years already. T.T

11. Your overall impression of him/her is: Football fanatic. (I know it's not exactly the most personal thing to say, but that's to prove my point of us REALLY having to catch up!).

12. How you think people around you will feel about you?: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! no... seriously.

13. The characters you love of yourself are: Independent, Curious, Opinionated.

14. On the contrary, the characters you hate of yourself are: Procrastination.

15. The most ideal person you want to be is: Multilinguist.

16. For people that care and like you, say something to them: You really like me? Thanks! Here, have some candies! Seriously, for those who care for me, you'll know that i feel the same for them just as well. =) You still want some candies?

17. Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wished to know how they feel about you:

*Updated*

18. Who is no.6 having a relationship with? (Leo):

No one at the mo. I think.

19. Is no.9 a male or female? (Sadikin):

A little bit of both. Hohoho.. Dont worry. Sadikin is a full-fledged male.

20. If no. 7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing? (Leong and Wen Lhi):

CAN!!! ish ish ish.. Both also so er chui. Eh wait. But wen lhi is already taken so..

21. What is no.2 studying about? (Derick):

Making triangle shaped buildings. Architecture Science.

22. When was the last time you had a chat with no.6? (Leo):

Erm.. Sunday? Which is bout 3 days ago.

23. What kind of music band no.8 likes? (Rave):

Thai and Cantopop. HAHAHA!!! (p/s: true story).

24. Does no.1 has any siblings? (Chanz):

One jie jie and one mei mei. Kaaaaaaaa....... =D

25. Will you woo no.3? (Hiro):

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

26. How about no.7? (Leong):

Erm... Unfortunately he's already off limits.

27. Is no.4 single? (Katrina):

Does being in love with yourself counts as being in a relationship?

28. What is the surname of no.5? (Lee Yi):

Ah Lai. She has the best surname you can bully for a chinese. Hohoho..

29. What's the hobby of no.10? (Wen Lhi):

Being a sexpot, reading manga, day-dreaming, swimming, being an ever er-chuier sexpot.

30. Does no. 4 and 9 get along? (Katrina and Sadikin):

Yezzu yezzu.

31. Where is no.2 studying at? (Derick):

Limkokwing.

32. Talking something casually about no.1 (Chanz):

We love, hate, annoy, and yet need each other. It's a freaky symbiosis.

33. Where does no.9 lives at? (Sadikin):

Cyberia. The room beside the bathroom with funky lights.

34. What colour does no.5 likes? (Lee Yi):

Pink.

35. Are no.5 and no.1 best friends? (Chanz and Lee Yi):

They do know each other. They do plan pretty awesome birthdays which usually consists of Victor in a black garbage bag outside hotel rooms.

36. Does no.1 has any pets? (Chanz):

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

37. Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world? (Leong):

*shifty eyes*

38. What is no.6 doing now? (Leo):

Catwalking around Nexus with a swollen eye and long face. And working.

Self-control

2008-11-05T01:32:00.002+08:00

Control.

It's all bout control.

Then it'll be ok.

Beachcomber

2008-11-04T21:48:00.005+08:00

A couple of months back I happened to come across a piece of seashell on the beach. I was immediately awed by its beauty even while standing on the sandy ground under the hot sun. I turned it to the left, then a little to the right, and back again to the left, it gleamed like a piece of precious stone in my palm.

I kept it in a box. It was my little secret. Long have I wanted to string it into a necklace but then there were the constant doubts of whether it should be worn like a piece of accessory. I wasn't sure if it was right for me.

Days came and went just like that, until one day I decided to bring this little shell out of the box. Coincidental perhaps, but it managed to ward off some bad stuff that day. That night, I gazed at it admiringly for its make-believe mystical power.

Next thing in the morning I will string it and wear it proudly for all to see! But little did I know that for the past months of this little habitat of a once living creature, had turned fragile after being away from the sea water for far too long.

I was the happiest kid in town. Silly perhaps, but definitely on cloud nine with that piece of shell. I believed that with it, I no longer had to feel afraid of the evil powers around. I was safe. I felt protected. How delirious I was.

After exactly a week, as I was blowing away imaginary specks of dust on it, I accidentally puffed a little too strong and it fell from my hands onto the cold tiles. It was smashed to smithereens. I wasn't prepared to lose it yet. I had only worn it for a week. It was too soon. Far too soon. I wanted it back. I wished I didn't try to clean it. Perhaps then it wouldn't have fallen onto the ground. At least I would still have it in my palms now.

How much tears I have shed over that piece of shell I have no idea. All I knew was that I just wanted it back really badly. So much so that I was too paranoid to leave the house without it. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable. Like I was going to be blown up by some wizard out of the corner or something.

I tried to glue it back. But then I only made it worst.

I looked at that piece of shell. At the mess I have turned it into.

Was it still salvageable? I really don't know. Hopefully.

That night, I dreamt that I was back at that beach. The sun was still there baking everything it could reach with its beams. It was exactly the time when I first found that shell. Then I realized something. As I was walking nearer towards it, I was in fact stepping over and crushing other sea shells as well. There was a whole beach filled with them! From clam shells to sand dollars.

As I woke up, I realized that the little piece of shell that I found was not the only one there is.

I opened up the wooden box and looked at the damage that I've done earlier. Regretful I was. But I knew I shouldn't be too sad over it. Though shattered, I don't think I could bring myself to put it into the bin. It was afterall the very first piece that made me believe in magic all over again.

aqualung

2008-11-04T13:03:00.002+08:00

Need to know
I don't wanna know
Already know
I've seen the signs
I watch you as you pull yourself away from me

Can't believe
I wanna believe
How can i believe
You're making me doubt
I thought i knew you
I don't even know myself

I'm losing faith
I'm losing all faith

I wanna fight
Afraid to fight
Why don't i fight
And make you see
I hold my breath
And disappear inside myself

I'm losing strength, i'm losing all strength

Don't ask me to start
Ask me to start
Just don't ask me to start again
Start again

I'm losing you

has been

2008-11-03T23:01:00.004+08:00

i should have known from the start that this was all too good to be true.

how could i have been so blind to it?

avoiding was only going to make things worse.

i really should have known better.

one day,

the dust has to settle.

all i really want is to be happy.

just happy.

and contented.

that's just life

2008-10-23T19:10:00.005+08:00

this feeling that is flowing in me right now is only all too familiar, and yet till this day i still couldnt find any words that could comprehend this raw sensation.

i told a friend something that i shouldve said a long time ago. throughout the months, the words just kept accumulating like sacred little rosary beads at the tip of my tongue, and yet i always managed to dry swallow them back inside when the moment comes. the once cold, hard pearly drops always manage to turn warm after being nestled for a little too long in the heat of my mouth.

it happened this evening after i ran into the house from the pouring rain and came home to your messages. there was no use of keeping it in any longer.

they all flowed out like a pink-silverish stream of unguarded spirits out in the open. in a way im really glad that i did it. im glad that i told him that im not going to continue standing for this anymore. its not something that he could easily discard like how he did to the others. im not just some punchbag which you could throw a few blows at when youre pissed. i come with dignity. try giving a little respect.

theres no need for your reasons as they are just empty words to me. you shouldve thought about it before you did anything. the excuse about it being your habit has being used for one too many times. you dont have to apologize. and neither do i owe you an apology for not giving you yet another chance. what has been done cant be changed. we just have to move on with our lives and hopefully learn something from it.

take care, my friend.

this guy makes my brain looks like it took a year's supply of laxatives.

2008-10-22T03:09:00.010+08:00

mi, i think i lao sai-ed.. again.

i was going to write about something that made me really upset earlier today. then as i turned on a song so that i wouldnt have to type out this post in the silence, my ears started to pick up the lyrics of the song and i thought to myself, "is it worth wasting your time writing about some selfish person? its a waste of blog space! get a life!"

so here i am, putting this down to remind my friends who have been affected by this unnecessary drama for the past month plus. seriously people, just get a life!

he's going to be like this for as long as he wants to. theres really nothing that we could do. and nothing that we should be doing! so lets just do ourselves a favour and let him be. stop lying on the road and hiring a monster truck to run over our bodies 123897123142 times already!

people are gonna continue seeing him as an innocent fella.

people are gonna continue to believe that he is a nice person deep down inside.

people are gonna continue thinking that he REALLY is THAT simple.

this list will never end. but the most important thing is...

so what?

seriously. so what if hes a major anal case and still theyre gonna be people who buys into his shit?

seeing him miserable isnt gonna make us any happier.. for long. maybe for a while yea we'll be so effing liberated! but then another few months down the road and theres gonna be another anal case shoving him/herself up our bowel systems and causing more brain diarrhoea. theres a whole clan of this anal cases. theyre just never gonna stop reproducing. so we'll just have to live with the fact that theyre always gonna be around... somewhere!

its funny how one song can just... clear my head so thoroughly. hahahahahhahahaha...

have a nice day people! i know i will. =)

p/s: it's weezer's pork and beans. ;-)

pp/s: Acute diarrhea is a common cause of death in developing countries... In many cases of diarrhea, replacing lost fluid and salts is the only treatment needed. (wikipedia, 2008) SEE!!! even wikipedia agrees with me that these people kills us if only choose not to replace them with erm say... happier thoughts?

when you have a weekend to yourself with ah lai

2008-10-10T00:13:00.005+08:00

have been recently down with the flu. makes me at the number one on the tree-huggers hit list. T___T

suddenly im missing my primary and high school friends so much. (read: ros, lisa, chanz). the times where the only thing we had to worry about was how to beat the other houses during sports day. boohoo...

on a lighter note however, things hadnt been a completely smooth ride. but thats alright, i know i'll get through it with probably some slight scratches and bruises here and there to say the least *pats self*

erm.. yea so im happy and still kicking!

thats all folks.

p/s: sorry for the random and short post. but will tire you guys with a longer and hopefully non-morbid post the next time when assignments are not up to my arsehulll.

have a great weekend! :-*

please pardon the one on the left. your left not mine.

Alanis Morissette - You Learn

2008-09-26T04:18:00.003+08:00

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

when i first saw you

2008-09-20T23:06:00.003+08:00

i think it's funny how some people choose to live a life of hypocrisy. is it so hard to just let the truth out? or perhaps just tell a person what you really think, instead of talking one thing and acting another.

and the funniest is when a person is not even put in that position in the first place, but then 'volunterily' put themselves into that situation and pretend to be all into it. i dont know whether to feel sad for them for stooping so low and bringing the term 'pathetic' to a whole new level, or just pass them off as being... well, simply funny?

this life and the people living in it sure never ceases to amaze me.

=)

cold mornings

2008-09-19T08:40:00.002+08:00

sleep deprivation and nicotine is not good they say.

i run my fingers along the row of books.

one.

two.

three.

i miss the feeling of rolling words on my tongue. blunt. crisp. its all too familiar.

its cold. so cold. but i refuse to give in. id rather just put on the green sweater. a weird mixture of detergent and fabric softener. your scent is no longer there.

sometimes i regret for washing it. but it was too painful to leave it lingering. i know how stubborn and bad i am when it comes to nostalgic things like this. i want to store all that reminds me of you in a dusty shoe box. i do. badly. but i know its harmful. it wont make a difference. you wont be coming back. youre there while im still here. as we know it. life.

i miss waking up to your quiet breathings. but you were never at peace. not even in your sleep. there was always a worried face. waking up by your side always reminds me of the dreamcatcher in my bedroom. what is in your head? the boogeyman? or those lonely christmas we promised would never come again?

but we both knew. we were never good with keeping promises. how much ive missed you.

how much longer?

2008-09-17T16:52:00.002+08:00

so much had happened in this short period of time. at times i really wish that i could just give up on all this. just turn my back on all this. just pack up and leave.

no matter how much i try to just shut my eyes and ears on all that is going on, its almost impossible. i cant stand there and just see people i care about getting hurt this way. i hate being in this kind of situations. i hate knowing anything. i hate being there but wishing that i werent. i hate that im not strong enough to say that enough is enough.

sometimes i would rather choose to be selfish. then perhaps i wouldnt be in this situation.

i did try. i really did. i tried to shut my ears but the knocks on the door is just too much at times. no matter how long the songs are playing it still cant completely drown those knocks. then i hear it getting softer. so faint that i have to strain my ears to make sure if its still there. it is. its faint but its existence is too visible to be ignored.

its scary to think how ones irresponsible decision could cause so much chaos amongst their friends. its strong enough to even bring strain among the strongest of bonds.

after that night when i realized that theres only so much one can do to help, i thought that things would start to look up. but then it hasnt. apparently some people just dont get it.

as i was looking at the rolled up paper burn my troubled mind away, i realized that perhaps its time to stop. call me selfish, but i need to watch out for myself just like what the others are doing. theres no point getting hurt for nothing. there really isnt any logic in that. and i dont think its really worth all those sleepless nights.

i just hope that im doing the right thing. perhaps this is whats best for me and my sanity.

hop bunny hop!

2008-09-11T22:14:00.004+08:00

im so pissed that im literally lost for words! how do i put this down? its as if im fucking pissed and yet im pissed at myself for even feeling pissed! seriously i have to stop being so immature at times. but then that swig which burned my throat on its way down told me that it was okay to hate people sometimes. it was like the little brown bunny. im just following it back into its little hiding where people splash each other with sins and smoked on unfiltered cigarettes. it all looks so lovely from up here. maybe i'll just take a quick peek and leave. just a really quick one. count to ten and i'll be out of there!

one.. two.. three.. four.. five.. six.. seven.. eight.. nine.. ten.. eleven.. twelve.. thirteen lil bunnies.. fourteen lil bunnies.. fiften lil bunni....

i knew that i should never be trusted around them brown bunnies.

Something Inside

2008-08-19T11:09:00.003+08:00

a couple of weeks back as I was on the bus back to segamat, i was looking out the window since my eyes and brain refused to give in even for 30mins. as the journey drew nearer to the end, things began to look more familiar - the chinese medical hall uncle who used to give me a lolly everytime dad brought me there to get some cough syrup on our trip up to kl, the police station which I used to wonder if there were really officers on duty inside since the gate was always locked, the road which I fell asleep during one of my first few driving lessons and nearly drove right into a palm plantation.

i thought back about how i used to anticipate those trips to aunt fay's place - meaning another weekend away from the family. it reminds me of how i used to carry myself before and now. i was a different person back then. i was the kid who always had the need to seek approval from the others. not my peers, but the elders. there was always an annoying thing about me who always had to prove myself to the adults. like i was some kinda prodigy or something. i fed and grew fat from those praises. i was like a kid who took spoonfuls of these honey and store them all in a a dusty old shoe box hidden under my bed - there were for my emergencies. everytime something goes wrong, i just take one of these spoons and lick off some honey. every flick of the tongue sends an orchestra of angels singing hymn in my head. it kept me fat. it kept me sane.

as i grew older, people come around to tell me that i could write well - academically; just for pleasure.

"i wish i could write like you!"

but what's there to be envious about? perhaps by a stroke of luck i did manage to get my word vomit out in a more 'appealing' manner. but how long does that last? why do you think i rarely blog these days? isnt it obvious enough that im no clarence day?

all these words i have in my head are like trails of rainbows. people follow it in hoping that there will be a pot of gold in the end; to find something extraordinary and genius. how dissapointed they will be. maybe thats why i write so little now. im afraid to dissapoint. im not ready to accept the looks im going to get when these people reach the end of that rainbow where there isnt any gold. maybe thats why i path the trail so slowly. hoping that the trail will not end anytime soon - so they wont see the mountain of painted gravel.

it feels like all i have are just a handful of gravel - painted with the leftover paints discarded by the minds of others - the true artists.

im lacking of colours and paints.

even gravel these days.

The Day I Met Andy

2008-07-25T02:09:00.005+08:00

As I sat down at the balcony and lean against the weathered pillow, I began to realize how much I was going to miss this moment of solutide which I always looked forward to after a bad day. Together with some of the withering plants, it is the place which has brought some of the most memorable days to me. Just like when before she left, many nights had we hung out together there. Taking in the breezy air along with the sound of people downstairs either just chilling by the pool side or being dared to jump into the chlorinated water.

We'll be moving out tomorrow, stopping by occasionally to pick up whatever that we had left behind; books that were left for months unread on the shelves, shoes that had long been unworn, untouched decorative pieces, things like that. I'm going to miss coming back to this place which had been my little peaceful haven for more than a decade. The place where I always look forward to every month ever since I was back in my times table-memorizing days. The place where I know I'll always be a part of. The place where I know I could always run to after a heated argument with the parents back home.

This house had seen me through so many chapters of my life. Like the night before my Asean scholarship entry exam, followed by the interview some weeks later. The day when I was looking forward to our first date together to the summer splash party back in '06. The nights where I was so frustrated doing my assignment of the St.Basil collage. When I cried over the phone to Lisa and the relief to know that I'll always have this friend by my side no matter how badly I've screwed up. And when I went straight to the comp the moment I reached home to blog about the two-hour queue for tickets to Muse.

Tonight was slightly different though. For the first time the little balcony gave me some serenity and peace in a more optimistic manner. It did not make me dwell in the sadness of having to leave this place after so many years of comfort. It did not console by letting me know that it is okay to want to feel sad and depressed. Tonight, it gave me a sense of hope and a small touch of happiness. It made me realize how many fireworks that had been litted and sparked off in the dark sky to celebrate everyones' lives here till this very day and how I've missed out on most of those joyous occasions. It reminded me that it is not the house that gave me that sense of belonging and being loved unconditionally but the people who lived in it. It taught me to appreciate every single moment I still have to be with the people I love. And for the first time, it actually made me step back into the house with a smile. =)

Thank you for bringing a special person to walk into my life today for it is from him that I realized that there is still a spark of faith I had in Him which I thought had long been put out.

The Untalkative Bunny

2008-07-11T19:06:00.009+08:00

How is it that people could bring themselves to imitate others directly and unshamefully, this i definitely could not bring myself to understand. I know that whole "highest form of flattery" reasoning and all but still... seriously! these people just never stop cracking me up. Reminds me of this line from Crank Dat:

"...Nope, You can't do it like me

Hoe, So don't do it like me

Folk, I see you tryna do it like me

Man that shit was ugly!..."

-Soulja Boy-

And here's one my favourite pictures captured in Penang from our backpacking trip.

Have a great week people! =D

Just Another Soldier on the Road to Nowhere

2008-06-15T09:13:00.005+08:00

It's funny how a few hours of difference could put your emotions in a 180degrees spin. A couple of hours after the last post, I couldn't seem to fall off to sleep so decided to just hit the gym and hopefully get tired out so that I could go to bed. Turns out that I was feeling even more refreshed so I took the opportunity to call up two people to wish them Happy Fathers Day. Turns out that both didn't pick up their phone. But one of them replied and it wasn't good news. What began as a funny and poking message then turned into something mind shattering.

It was one of those news that I was just too stunned to even react to it. I only started to feel again after I called her up because I really needed someone to talk to after that message. I really didn't know what to say. All I did was just sob into the receiver. The painful kind. Where every sob seems to be sucking a huge amount of air from your lungs.

I don't know. It's been such a long time since I had to come across this again. I've had three relatives passed away in such a short period of time; and immensely small gap between each years. Perhaps this time it's not as serious as I think it is. But that's an even scarier thought. Because everytime I'm being told that it's not as bad as I think, that's when I get doused with cold water after that been said. I hate this feeling. I hate it that I'm crying over this. I hate that I can't do anything at this point. I hate being so stupid as to hope that all hard feelings could be put aside at times like these. I hate feeling so helpless and crippled and all I could do is just to get down on my knees and pray to whoevers listening to take this pain away. I hate being so weak up to the point that I have to write this down to hopefully clear it out of my mind for the time being.

I really can't continue with what or how I had intended to write this, on how I thought I had to recollect my thoughts and stop crying. I hate being this weak when it comes to situations like this. Perhaps I should lie down now.

I am going to bed happy =)

2008-06-15T03:35:00.006+08:00

I swear that chatting with random people on msn during sleepless nights are so invigorating!

karen says:
hey lemme ask you something!

karen says:
what do you think is the worst thing a girl could do?

Jun Jie says:
hmmm..

Jun Jie says:
reject a guy's proposal to make love?

karen says:
hahahahhahhaaahhahahhaahhahaha

karen says:
whatttttttttt???!!

karen says:
why?

Jun Jie says:
lol hahaha

Jun Jie says:
im just saying la

Jun Jie says:
thats quite potong steam too lol

karen says:
HAHAHAHA!!!!

Jun Jie says:
lol thats something that came into my mind haha

karen says:
okay then now lemme ask you another question!

karen says:
urm...

karen says:
what/who would you bring if you were stuck in a shopping centre which is having a 70% sales? (name 5)

Jun Jie says:
cash?

Jun Jie says:
credit card lol

Jun Jie says:
i prefer shopping alone

karen says:
whattt??!!! youre so boring!

karen says:
why isnt my name in that list huh???

Jun Jie says:
you so bising

Jun Jie says:
hehe

karen says:
say that again!

karen says:
okay wait i take that back

karen says:
before you REALLY say that again

karen says:
and i shall now bestow upon you the third question!

karen says:
if there is one place in the world you could be (for below rm1500), where would you be? and what junk food will you stash in your along in your bag?

Jun Jie says:
i think i just pull a piece of the wall out zzz

Jun Jie says:
you mean my budget is 1500?

karen says:
yes

karen says:
what??!! you eat walls for snacks?!! is that why youre so stick thin??? zzz

Jun Jie says:
i damn strong lor can do that haha

Jun Jie says:
err..

Jun Jie says:
malacca =)

Jun Jie says:
1500 more to spend~

karen says:
why are you so boooooooooooooooooooringggggg???

karen says:
youre hopeless lar you know?

Jun Jie says:
1500 how to spend at japan wor?

karen says:
*whispers* budak lala yang suka pergi jepun..

okay after that it just went out of control already. and now i'm officially sleepy therefore i shall bid you all good night~ :-*