split personality

ive been feeling very dr jekyll and mr hyde-ish for the past couple of weeks. very much.

who are we?

since the beginning of the semester, ive been thinking of doing something that i probably would never think of doing at such an early stage of my life. thats where it remained; just a thought.

it was not until recently that i decided this was something that i really should put into action. so far, i had only shared this plan to three of the people whom i have known to be the most sensible and logical of the others - uncle shane, leo and wei kiat. it did come off pretty surprising even to me when they supported it. i guess part of me was thinking that perhaps its too crazy as well, though i avoided myself from pondering too long upon it as i didnt want this to be another case of overthinking and it ends up not happening at all.

theres this friend of mine, derick, whom ive known for more than a decade. we call each other our AA partners. we have this connection where it gets pretty scary at times. hes the kind of friend who you hardly keep in touch with, but the phone always rings when youre at a crossroad; now this is the scary part, we always land at the same crossroad at the same time.

the day before yesterday, he called me out of the blue as he wanted some opinions about this paper that he was doing about the machu picchu civilization. it started with:

how would you define humanity?

and it churned out hours worth of discussion about how we as humans, are always seeking for more in life when we already have an abundance, and how we are always dissecting things around us in hoping to discover more. is this just a mere quest for knowledge and material wealth? or does it go deeper than that? is it an act of our own insecurities in the inability to know ourselves and our own culture that we need to "rectify" this situation but trying to understand others and their culture?

such is life. we are constantly in search of the truth, but to know that truth is relative, therefore this is also to say that truth doesnt really exists. so what is it we are seeking for then?

we each shared a story regarding this question. his was the indian fable of murugan and ganesh circling the universe, and i, the experimental ideology of putting three men in a cave by aristotle.

we realized a flaw within the range of definitions of humanity and civilization that was already written in texts; there were mostly evolved within the context of art, language and culture, and based from the author's point of view. so this is to say that he was defining it based on his reality. but how could this definition be comprehended by the rest when our visions on what reality differs from the next person? this great civilization in peru for example, there were no records in writing anywhere, and yet we know so much about it; is that why we know and therefore able to justify it as a great civilization? and is this to say that if we never knew anything about them except for their architecture that has stood against the test of time, they are therefore uncivilized? such a paradox isnt it?

after our conversation, i started thinking that perhaps im more of a murugan than a ganesh. i need to literally go around the universe instead of just encircling my parents; as much as i hate to admit it, i know that they are not my universe. (now i feel like si tanggang T__T).

as the days draw nearer, i am more and more terrified if this plan is going to work out. im constantly put into fear with my minds what ifs. albeit all these fear and excitement, i know that it is something i should do. perhaps unknowingly, i am 生在福中不知福. all this while i had always been so sure that i wasnt one. but now as my mind slowly see things clearer, i realized that they are traits in me which points directly to that proverb.

although im not sure what would happen after ive taken this step. whether or not i would come back an improved version of me, that is left in the hands of God. but the one thing that im sure of right now is that i have to put myself out there in order to come back as a more appreciative person for the people and things that i have around me.

vital information for everyday life

produk ini mengandungi lebih 4, 000 bahan kimia termasuk tar, nikotina dan karbon monoksida yang membahayakan kesihatan.

translated version:

this product contains more than 4, 000 chemicals including tar, nicotine and carbon monoxide that endangers health.

now i know.

ok thank you.

unsent letter

everyday in life we make choices and decisions. sometimes good sometimes not so good and whichever it is we have to move on. its scary when you think about how some not so good decisions could either be brushed off casually as we live on to another day or it could be in a way 'life altering'.

if we were to take the time to ponder upon our past decisions, in one way or another, it lives with us for the rest of our lives. sometimes even us realizing it. the person we are today, the place we are in right now, the live that we are living, are made up of the accumulation of our past decisions.

however, does that mean we have to be extremely cautious before we make each and every decision from here on?

like how you had decided on this. no one really did or even try to stop you did they? they all knew it was your life and yours only. there really wasnt much to be said. they knew that you were old and wise enough to decide upon your range of choices.

do you stop for a day to think if it was the wisest?

the choices that came after you chose that route; have you ever paused at an intersection of your life to look back at the people youve had to step upon to get where youve gotten at today? has it even crossed your mind to take a short halt? or do you just live by the motion of not looking back and just moving on?

somedays i wished you were still there. the old boy we used to know. the kid whom we used to run around with. the one who stole car keys and drove all the way without a care of our child-like reckless behaviour. its so easy to just leave - the whats and weres of our past years. so easy indeed.

some of us instead just sit and type out long unimportant unsent letters.

its awfully easy to take what we had and have for granted. we are always so careless of the things that comes so easily into our destructive hands. perhaps that what we were and will be, destructive by nature. even we dont realize it. we have been so comfortably nestled all these years that we dont even think of how are we going to deal with the grief when these little things slowly slip through our fingers, like the billions of sand we have allowed to just get blown and thus taken away by the ever changing wind. every single day. thats how much we've lost in the short period of time.

this beating machine of mine. it is such a funny thing. it beats for every joyous occasions and the little shortcomings along the way. but it never changes it beat. its rhythm. it still beats for the things that has been hurting it for the past countless years. and yet it still beats whenever the opportunity comes for a short but happy reunion. it choses to be dillusional. you see, to be dillusional is sometimes an option. one that could bring temporary happiness, but nevertheless, still a piece of joy. it beats for that then. and it will still beat for that now. or even in the future.

recently it has been hiccuping. more than the usual. what if one day it decides to stop? what if one day its plug is pulled? will it still believe that it is still beating for the same reasons? only that it is no longer physical. is that how it will be in the coming days?

if only it knew how.

when i really should bury my nose back into media law which is on the top of my list of things to burn come november 21st.

hello people! hows everyone with their mugging for their coming finals? HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.. i cant believe i just asked that to an empty room.

anyways, heres wishing leeyi, victor, angelin, chanz, john, anne, karwoon, and to all those that i didnt mention all the best in the coming exams! im sure you guys will do well lar but still its nicer to put it in words here right? hahahahhaha..

so, this past two weeks havent been the best but then it always catches me by surprise when i least expect it to. amidst all of the depressing days, im suddenly getting phone calls from people at night whom i havent spoken to for ages. :') i have to keep reminding myself to focus on all the blessings in disguise really. that and all the little treasures of the friends i still have who still hasnt gotten sick of my shit yet. hahahhahaha.. i love you all.

i was gonna write bout something but then i think i should keep that for when i have more time to do mindless shit like updating this blog. hahahhahaha...

oklarbabai and good luck with the coming papers.

dizzy dancing and ice cream castles

this is gonna be an extremely short post i promise!

*shy mode on*

im blushing now and therefore yes this is me being ridiculously girly.

*shy mode off*

i cant believe that this guy that i used to have the hugest crush on had been leaving comments here and there around my blog for the past few years.

*shy mode on*

im so hopeless when it comes to musicians.

lead guitarists especially.

*shy mode on permanently*

1 9 6 9 what's the sound?

i was just looking through all my previous posts and realized that there were actually quite a number which never made it out of their drafting stage. most of them was when i first started blogging which was around 2004, and when i first started out my uni life.

theres a huge gaping difference the way i was then and now. few years back, the written posts were left as drafts because i wasnt too sure if i really wanted others to be reading about such intimate details of my life. this time around, i dont even bother blogging about it anymore. writing back then was such a liberating activity. now it feels like such a chore.

i really miss how i was more idealistic back then. how i allowed my mind to wander into whatever realms which it fancied and dared to venture into. it never came across that an imaginative mind was something to be shunned.

now i really do feel like such an old haggard soul. i keep creating barricades and concrete walls around this restless mind. creating boundaries. disciplining it. almost like enforcing it with military rules.

ive put the mind back into a box and shut the lid.

ive turned myself into a coward.

hmm..

maybe one of these days i'll post up an unpublished post when i had my heart broken for the first time. really brings back so much memories. =)

angsty post number two : 2 : dos : èr : 二 : dua.

please just get out of my face.

please.

my sanity and kidneys and ovaries would be eternally grateful if you would just get out of my face.

thank you very much.

xièxiè.

谢谢.

when your urine is filled with salt. dehydration. so dont drink your pee when youre thirsty.

"grow a fucking brain!"

ever had someone scream that at you? yea. me neither.

realize how people are always remembering you for your mistakes or screw ups? what about those times when you didnt screw up? they dont recall that do they?

what is it that im looking/asking for? an approval? recognition for what ive done? or perhaps just the mind wondering why is it that people only remember what youve done wrong instead of what youve done right?

when i close my eyes, i could see myself in one of these scenes where we watch on tv. those where a person is standing still while everything around them just zooms in the speed of light. kinda like a scene of this stage play that i watched when i was 15. its called the beacon of light or something. it was pretty crappy for a college production. i dont know. maybe i was just trying to be smart/thought that i was smarter than that.

ever tried typing something that sounds logical with a coherence while your ears are being buried with loud music? its pretty interesting. its like your mind is being stopped at red lights every couple of seconds. hahahhaha.. mind jam. marmalade. rasberry?

as i saw your number the other day. my mind spaced out. like the image of a man-made satellite floating in space. but in reverse mode. and fast. it was pretty surreal.

im such a girl sometimes.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

no that wasnt me laughing. just tapping hard on H and A.

thats right.

you just wasted 2 minutes of your life reading this.

2 minutes.

thats right.

switch

since when did i approve of allowing this to happen? im so angry right now that its not even funny. im so angry that i cant even write! this is me lying my head on the bar top, starring into the almost glaring screen amidst this darkness and continue repeating step 1 and 2 till anger subsides.

all i really wanna do is throw in the towel and think fuck this shit but then i know myself better than that.

its so pathetic that i have to concentrate on my breathings to keep myself collected. its even more pathetic to be museuming this anger here.

you know what?

fuck this shit.

this is it

i'm falling out of love.

lorelix04

I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs.

I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.

I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.

You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on.

I'm falling out of love.

-anonymous

from here

when being yourself just isnt gonna work anymore.

at this moment, i dont want to be here.

at this moment, i dont want to be seen or heard.

at this moment, i dont want to be anywhere near anything or anyone.

at this moment, i just want to stop being myself.

the day i realized that my dad is not always right.

for the past couple of weeks, i was at the point where there were a lot of conflicting thoughts running through my head. i was trying to figure out what was that lost ingredient that was causing all these confusion. tried recalling the theories that were passed on by the adults when i was younger. everything was perfect to a tee but still the jarring gap was just too profound to be left unnoticed. there was just so much anger and confusion and hatred and even the feeling of indifferent at times which led to even more frustration and confusion. this is getting confusing but just try to stay with me here.

anyways, it took me a very loud and tears to laughter filled conversation with two good friends to make me realize what it was. im in fact laughing to myself as im writing this. for some reason, in the midst of all those love advices we were throwing around at each other, it suddenly reminded me of how i used to be when i was a kid.

back in kindergarten up till i was eleven, i used to be a feisty kid who was a teachers nightmare. one thing that they hated most was how i was always filled with opinions that cant be contained. i remember when i was five, i was the mc of my kindergarten's award presentation day. during the rehearsal, my principal turned off the switch on our mics. thinking that it was off by mistake, of course i turned it back on. my principal was taken by surprise when my voice filled the empty hall and ran towards me to turn it off again. i then told her that it was supposed to be on and she insisted that i turned it off to the point that she started raising her voice at me. *pauses to laugh at how young i was in my own head and ok back to the story* i have no idea how do i remember stuff like this but i somehow do and this is what i explained to her and im not kidding! "but then if we tried without the mics turned on, how would you know if its gonna sound right tonight?" HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! ok i probably said something like "how would you know if its correct" instead of "gonna sound right" but i was five back then so the 21 year old me has the right to change that like how we would for grammar simpatico ok. but let me tell you this, i remember how the principal didnt explain to me why there wasnt the need to turn it on and just told me to do as she said. i bet i was an annoying kid back then! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!

oh and there was this other time when i was in primary one meaning i was seven and there was this relief teacher who came for english coz miss abraham was on mc and she was teaching us about numbers and she was really crazy because she wrote this on the board:

14 - Fourteen

15 - Fiveteen

despite the fact that she or the board of education was probably on crack when they put her through as a teacher, i was probably on even more crack for telling her this in front of the whole class, "excuse me teacher, i don't remember whats the correct way for that number but im very sure its not fiveteen. it sounds something like fiveteen because it starts with an 'F' also but its not fiveteen". HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!! i swear that was exactly what i said you know why? coz my mom taught me all i had to know about numbers when i was five and i kept trying to recall what was it my mom said bout 15 when i was still using that colourful dinosaur school bag. you see thats how i recall periods of my life, through a distinct song or object. anyways, the teacher then scolded me "if youre so clever then why dont you come in front and teach instead. *points at 15* this is FIVETEEN and if you think its wrong then you can stand on your chair while copying this *points at greenboard* from the blackboard*". and you know why i said i was on serious crack? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! because i corrected her that its a GREENboard and then was sent out of class to copy it from the corridor through the window. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!!! guess what i did next? i left it blank and when miss abraham came back the next day to mark our exercise books, she scolded all of us for being so stupid to write FIVEteen and then corrected her that its FIFteen. and i was so happy that i jumped up from my seat *remember that she was still angry at this point!* and said out loud, "oh ya its FIFTEEN! thats what i told the teacher but then she scolded me so loud and chased me out from the class to copy from the greenboard from the corridor through the window". miss abraham laughed and then said that i wouldve got it right if i practised what my mom taught me. i defended myself saying that my mom taught me that when i was five so i couldnt remember things from THAT long ago and she told me to just admit that i was lazy for not practising.

the way i remember stuff that i remember is crazy i tell you!

and i nearly forgot the whole point of this post. HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! oh yea bout how my dad is not always right. hahahhahahha!!! anyway, this outspokenness to what i think is not right made me extremely unpopular among the kids and typically stupid teachers who for some ridiculous reason hated me for speaking up. and i used to complain to my parents bout it and my dad always reminded me to lay low and "not everyone likes the person who knows the right thing. so just lay low and keep what you know to yourself and just let them continue being wrong. at the end of the day, fighting back will only leave you at the losing end". lets face it, of course there were racial remarks inserted as well but lets leave that out of here.

so what im saying is, the things that i remember is really crazy. and how i hold on to them is even crazier. my dad probably meant well when he said those stuff. he was probably trying to teach me how to protect myself but didnt know how to explain them to a kid. of course i only have myself to blame because even when im already 21 now, i really shouldve had more brains to actually analyze those words than to take them as they are.

but its still funny now that ive figured out where and when i left that feisty and loud-mouthed chubby kid. now that ive found her, i sure hope i dont lose her again! =D

p/s: and this is to you for being such a jerk for the past few months. please get over yourself. it really wouldve made more sense if i had blonde hair and talked with the word "like" in a bimbotic manner after every three words and made every statement slurred up like a question at the end.

1, 2, 3 wont you come and play with me?

remember those days where each one of our school mates had a role in the play of school politics? one thing that i learned a couple of days back was that people resume that play long after they had left their school ground. the players and roles might have changed but the play still remains the same.

you have the the boss (teacher), manager (teacher's pet), trouble makers (still trouble makers, except that this is in the working field), and the passive ones (those who watch and chip in their two cents every once in a while). back in our school days, the teacher's pet played the role of the mole who reports back to the teacher of how the students are behaving and all that. They know that the other students are aware of the role they play, and they (teacher's pet) try to be part of the them (students) without being in the bad books of the teacher at the same time - being everyone's best friend without having to compromise their relationship with either party.

i remember a girl back in my secondary school who played the role of the teacher's pet. we knew fairly well that she's been the one informing the teacher about everything that went on in our own little class politics. she then tried to be on our good side by constantly making petty remarks about that teacher as well. we all know that play pretty well dont we?

somehow its just funny as i was watching the whole drama 'unfold' the other day just reminded me so much of high school.

so dont blame me when im being put in that position of being the middle person of both parties and the only words you'll get from me is 'i dont know'. not exactly the best way, i know. but it sure saves everyone a heck load of unnecessary drama.

lunch comes with pork.

www.slipandslidee.blogspot.com

go there for happy clappy posts. its very karerfoooor i promise!

robots 1 humans 0

26 July 2009: angry, resigned, and defeated.

27 July 2009: a brand new day.

breakfast with the fam

its not everyday i get to wake up at 7.30am and see the awesomeness of sunrays shining this way into our living room

by 8am it was already THIS bright! cool beans!

more awesome pics of sun

sunrays make cool pics. even cooler than pics of sunrays taken at your house.

trees and plants taken in vivid are cool too

notice how my camera takes blur pics of uninteresting things (cute little girls included) but never misses images of awesome chinese food? note: char siew pao =)~

i swear that kid was an attention hogger. luckily my camera was cool enough to not focus on her (so that makes it even cooler than your camera). lady taking our order of wu kok. p/s: i really couldve just said yam balls but the idea of my surname in there just made it impossible to resist. now say it fast 17times. wu kok not yam balls cheater!

dont underestimate their size. they may be small but their horridness is more than 28times its size! thats how bad they are.

yao char kuey (fried fritters) with fish filling inside and smothered with mayonnaise + salad cream. this will probably clog up every single artery and causes an immediate heart attack but they are to die for! parents hated it though. why do they have weird taste? =/

karen, eat us..

karen, eat uss.. again..

eat usss..

"eat ussss.. ngaummmm!"

this is good artery clogger, said katrina.

she was saying something boring and he was just looking bored. i think.

probably still torturing the man with her overly-used lame jokes. the man still looking bored.

woman is pissed coz no ones laughing at her random jokes (very very poor attempt at humour). woman is always doing the same thing everytime we go for breakfast.

the man behind dad is not our regular stalker. will show pics of said regular stalker some other time.

eat me..

eat mee..

eat meee..

eat meeeee..

eat meeeeeee..

eat meeeeeeeee..

eat meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..

please eat us already!

-the end-

if you've been anticipating for an update from this blog then stare at the image below for 47seconds for intensive mind stimulation.

you don't know psycho until you've seen psycho (no it's not the movie). hint: three letter word - begins and ends with the letter "M" and rhymes with "numb". HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!fml.

Time

He who learns must suffer, and, even in our sleep,

pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart,

and in our own despair, against our will,

comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.

- Aeschylus

1001 words to laughter.

that 3 seconds,

it reminded me of your silliness.

total randomness;

youre a donkey,

thats what you said everytime i laughed.

how long has that been?

your stupid comment always made me self-conscious. it never failed to make me wonder if i really sounded like a donkey. i remember trying to control myself. to force myself to laugh politely - ladylike, that's what they call it over here. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! i think it was even more disastrous! i had to force myself to unfunnysize everything that i felt was funny. and if you know me, EVERYTHING is funny to me. T___T well not everything exactly, but my brain always has a way to make it funny. i think this is the effect of being introduced to tony buzan before you enter primary one.

so where was i?

oh yeah. bout me trying to feminize my laughter. urm.. yea.. that didnt go so well. i think you saw that coming. so you told me to just go "i'd rather see you laughing like a donkey".

hahahahhaha.. i nearly forgot the point of this story. HAHAHAHAHHA... at your expense suckers!

so yea.. that day you told me that i laughed like a man because of my sore throat. well to be more precise, you actually said "can you at least TRY not to laugh while youre already sounding like a man".

so leeyi and victor, i know youre gonna miss my donkey laughter so much once youre gone. maybe leeyi will be glad that she got rid of what she deems as YALAR! YOU LAUGH UNTIL DAMN ANNOYING YOU KNOW OR NOT?!! im sure she'll secretly miss it when we're not geographically close anymore. hurhurhur.. and victor, i know you will miss this as much as i - everytime we end our loud and annoying laughter with WOOOHOOOOO!!! or sometimes WHEEEEEEHIUUWWWWWW!!!.

oh yea the point of this story is, we must laugh when we're at the airport! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! wtf.

project happyness

to sleep all day

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

to wake up and feel the sunshine on my face

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

with friends

we laugh and dance

jumping and reaching for our dreams

to create illusions -

happy and blissful ones

all i want is

to infinite this.

thank you (you know who you are)

thank you for all the memories.

glitch

they rush in colonies

like ants marching towards sweetness

a finger is put

a plastic ruler even

anything around us

blocking their little trail

unseen

a mark is made

running

running

to stop is not a possibility

in what we know as our path

how fickle minded

gullible

fragile indeed

from brown bunnies

to little white fluffs

drugged

how addictive indeed

to know that we're that fragile

cheap china in our own hands

an endless trail

a bottomless pit even

name it anything we want

anything the mind says

anything at all

a square

or circle

figments of an attempt at poetic depression

as we know it

another meaningless tragedy

like little corpses ran over

our own mechanics

its all in us.

Jay Aye Dee E Dee : jaded

i wish i were

but i know im not

unless

sacrifices were made

fatal sacrifices

the more i see

the worse i feel

and i know it wont go away anytime soon

why?

thats just the way it is

nose bleeds.

prozac

to be dependant is a blissful yet scary feeling. being answered to a dialing tone is something that i fear extremely. what has happened to me? it didnt used to be this way. there was always peace in writing and reading. right now my mind has made it a burden. an extremely tiring and exhausting burden. what has happened? it just didnt used to be this way. a first after such a long time, im seeing myself turning into someone dependant. and to know that there isnt one singled out person that i could fully rely on makes it even more painful and scary. what has happened? it definitely didnt used to be this way. im looking at myself getting more lost and confused each day. i want to stop this. but i just cant seem to find a way to do it. why am i still hanging on to this ghost? knowing very well that it cant go on this way. what used to be the solution is now shadowing who i really am inside. its as if im slowly losing myself in a whole new realm that i swore against from the very first time i recognized it. looking in that thin piece of silver and being mocked back. anything but welcoming. what has happened? 

its definitely not the cold of the night.

maybe all of us are just the same - wolves without a tail.

this thing called jealousy.

its a crazy feeling.

it turns your very core against all thats in its way.

it feeds off every nubile emotion in you.

its an avalanche of unspoken sins.

we just dont talk about it.

but it doesnt mean we dont feel it.

my mind is telling me to fight it off.

stop it before it consumes you

another part of me is questioning if i really want to.

paranoia.

do you enjoy having tuna in a can for dinner? doesn't that sentence itself overflows with awesome fishy goodness?

you know how our ears and brain are connected?

i'll let you in on one secret;

i could disconnect mine.

don't ask me how.

i just can.

photographic evidence on me obtaining special powers.

im in a very distraught mood right now.

this crazy month-long hiatus is already taking its toll on me.

both physically and mentally.

you know how some people go crazy skinny when theyre stressed out.

well im a living evidence of something that defies the law of physics/stress.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

trust me when i say that if i had that kind of mas selamat power,

i would definitely use it to make it so much easier for you.

don't have to scream it in my ears.

using that kind of powers on you would be a simple gesture of thank you very much.

are you blinded by my awesomeness already? if not kindly touch your eyeballs to your screen.

chamomile tea

you said it

she.

perhaps it will be easier to just move on.

i should keep my brain back in its box now.

heart?

it'll now what to do from here.

it always does.

my pretty chameleon.

she and my face.

theatre.

I am

we always strive to look at things "as a bigger picture" but then sometimes we tend to lose track of the finer details.

balance, they say.

places change.

nations develop.

we all change eventually,

don't we?

it's a true challenge to keep our passion, dreams, and our principles alive along the journey.

it's not easy. but it's not impossible either.

Perfection

As idealistic humans who walk the face of the earth since the beginning of civilization, we will constantly find ourselves on the infinite search for perfection. For the female race, in one way or another, there will be a time where we will seek and thus chase after perfection in body image. Perhaps not for all, but i believe in todays modern society where we are being slapped with advertisements, shows and what-not on an almost daily basis, the path to that "beacon" is what most of the female population is aiming towards - even if it means risking it all.

However, does this so-called perfection truly exists?

During my early teenage years, I was one of those who believed that if i had that 'perfect body', everything else would be easy peasy.

"If I had the perfect body, I wouldn't be single".

"If I had the perfect body, I would have a rich and handsome boyfriend who would spoil me with all the luxuries he could afford".

"If I had the perfect body, my teachers would excuse me for not doing my work".

"If I had the perfect body, I would be going out and mixing around with more people everyday".

"If I had the perfect body, I would be happier because I don't have to worry about what others will see me as".

I could go on and on about how delusional I was (and still am at times) and there's really only one reply I could tell myself if I was my age right now back then - WTF?!!!

See how I restricted and scared the heck out of myself because I didn't have the 'perfect body'? How crazily delusional I was for believing that everything would be ladeeda~ if I was a size 0? PSYCHOTIC!

Instead of making me happier, it made me struggle with eating disorder for more than five years.

Instead of making me happier, I stopped enjoying food and became best friends with the toilet bowl. *hello jamban! how have you been?* T______T

Instead of making me happier, it turned me into a sneaky rat who lied my way around having to put food into my mouth and making people believe that I was normal. *nolar mrs goh. im not bulimic or anorexic. i just happen to work out alot lar. hahahahha..* (yaaaaaaaaa... energy come from where ar? drink petronas primax ar?) T_________T

Instead of making me happier, I was too busy fainting and having dizzy spells to attend school like the others. *hello minyak cap kapak! did you miss me?* T____________T

Instead of making me happier, I fell deeper and deeper into the extreme obsession with the figures on the measuring tape and weighing machine.

Like I had said, the list is endless.

Back then, I was so experienced with all the weight issues and eating disorders that I even managed to write a script for my high school's choral speaking group which contributed in us emerging as champions. *like that also proud. wtf.* T________T

Those that has been mentioned were just an iota of the whole five years ride of torture. Come and buy me a drink and we can sit down and i'll tell you the whole story. Story telling time by Aunt Karen. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

Anyway, I'm talking about this now because I want to be the next Oprah Winfrey who wants to help all those out there who's struggling with eating disorder and hopefully inspire them to realize that the only way to get out from it is by loving and accepting ourselves for who we truly are - perfect. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHA... nolar. damn geli when i read back this paragraph. fml. ok maybe not the part of wanting to be Oprah (actually its true HAHAHHAHA), but I do sincerely hope that people will one day learn to love and accept themselves for who they truly are and not the figures on a piece of machine. Unless you calculate your bmi and you're obese then it would be advisable to cut back on the junk food and start exercising and the formula to calculate is weight(kg)/height(m) x height(m) and if it's 18.5 and below that means you should have more cupcakes and if it's 18.5-25 that means you're normal and ish damn long ok just go and google it and don't be so lazy lar.

Are you inspired now? HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHA!!!

I'm not putting all the "HAHAHAHHAs" to mock you who are reading this ok! (as if there's THAT many people reading) *in denial of the non-existant number of readers* T_____T

It's just me and my nervous laughter when I'm trying to sound all serious. It's a disorder. Says Dr. Karen BA.Hons in Self-Proclamtion. hurhurhur... are you inspired yet? wtf.

Eating disorder IS a serious issue ok people! If you find yourself having difficulties in over-coming it. Get someone trustworthy (preferably knowledgable and credible in the medical field) to talk to. Sometimes all we really need is someone to listen. As someone once told me to get me talking (and later brought me to tears. *wuss* T___T) "Sometimes all we really need is someone to listen, and I have two ears... And two shoulders in case you need to cry".

Talk damn a lot lar today. In conclusion (like essay writing ya children T___T), learn to love and accept yourself for who you truly are. If everyone in the world turn their backs against you, remember that you still have yourself, God, and Aunt Karen. -____-

Okbabai now coz I still have to finish up my assignments. hurhurhur..

Suara Hati

i hope another random annoying bastard comes up to me and says, "karen, just listen to your heart". just so you know, theres someone on the same block who keeps telling me that everytime we meet up. HAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!! imagine if i did that!

Block C resident: Come on Karen. Just listen to your heart.

Karen: Ok! *Beat beat beat*

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!

lets disco dance!

my mind. how do i explain my mind? where do i even begin? i always thought that if i kept up with this mentality, i would go mental even sooner than i can say "eat your veggies son!"

so right now im in this position where the amphibian has understood its own abilities and limitations concerning the whole land and water issue. but then you somehow know that its impossible to be living in the water the whole time even though you could but not forever thats why youre a toad. *memories of katak kristal dashes in mind*

so anyway as i was saying. yea! you know yourself but at the same time its like.. you THINK you know.

right now im upset bout things and people mainly due to issues that has been on everyones mind. mine included. but then for the past two weeks, it has gone pretty out of hand to the point of just being plain annoying. things are not always black and white! things that we see are not always what they seem to be. ok maybe at times they do. but not all the time! wtf?!! so smart then go and do something with all that brain lar! dont come and psychoanalyse me eh sai boh? knn.

its memang damn geli when i feel the need to be all happy-happy-clappy-fatty-bom-bom. either that or just mampuskan myself and selit into that mindset and just feed on air and life. *punches fist into the air and screams "get high on life yeah!"* T___T memang damn geli lar! knn after what i heard the way i was being perceived was lagi geli! lagi knn x12398127387 times ok! you listen and see you dulan or not?!! and this reminds me of the time when uncle shane and aunty fay used to make fun on me with this stupid limerick "fei po fei tut tut. or si or mm chut." (fatty fatty girl. want to shit but kena constipation/sembelit). actually its quite funny lar when i think bout it now. hurhurhur..

what im saying is that at times im really tempted to drown myself in a certain image that im used to seeing in magazines and all that but then i know that i cant. not because its difficult lur ok. being a bulimic is damn easy ok. just that that was the destructive path that i had gone through for the past five years. it was satisfying and ego-boosting i may say. but then at the end of the day, you know that youre just killing yourself.

see! its damn therapeutic to write. i started of being damn pissed over such a small matter. and after bullshitting dunno how much words here its damn syiok lor. like makan kimchi kind of syiok. or even like online-stalking some random dude kinda syiok. no lar. not that i stalk ppl online lar ok. ok maybe theres this one guy. just one ok. and i didnt add him on msn or fb or whatever like what ali told me to ok! so im just a third degree stalker. hes got very chinese eyes btw. very chinese looking kinda cute. like that when he wants to eowh ---> -_- hurhurhur...

someone commented about how random and vague the posts are. its not because i have a mind that cant keep itself in one place at one time. well actually that is part of the case. but not entirely.

you dont expect me to lay myself bare like that to be picked upon by everyone do you? all due respect to those who take that road for whatever reasons youve chosen but then its just not for me because thats not how we roll. *raises canadian flag* but then i dont want to quit writing here just because im worried bout that. so the only way is to be as vague as possible. you have your own views and interpretation of it. no ones stopping you. so yea.

why still write online then if i dont want to allow others to know whats in my mind and would rather choose to confuse those reading here? well because i can. *walks off with heroic music playing and hair heroically blown by the wind and readers gasp in awe in my heroism*

selamat pagi puan jacob.

reminds me of the days in national service when sharon used to scream at me "karen! damn random lar you!"

i miss the robotic life in camp. T___T

wakenabebbbb!!!

tagged.

001. Real Name: karen kok hsi hsi.
002. Nickname(s): mou mou. pui po.
003. Age: 21
004. Horoscope: aquarius.
005. Male or Female: female.
006. Elementary: convent.
007. Middle School: convent.
008. High School: convent.
009. College School: luct.
010. Hair colour: black.
011. Long or Short: short.
012. Loud or Quiet: quiet.. *shy* teehee..
013. Sweats or Jeans: jeans.
014. Phone or Camera: camera.
015. Health Freak: seasonal.
016. Drink or Smoke: neither. teehee..
017. Do you have a crush on someone: jonas bjerre.
018. Eat or Drink: both.
019. Piercings: er duo. telinga. yi zai. ears.
020. Tattoos: not at the mo.
021. Social or Anti-Social: social.
022. Righty or lefty: right.
023. First piercing: ears.
024. First relationship: 16.
025. First Best Friend: lisa liew hiao hiao. *shy*
026. First Award: kindergarten.
027. First Kiss: *shy* teehee.. (im bored already T_________T)
028. First Pet: tadpole. my brother told me thats what baby mermaids looked like.
029. First Big Vacation: mexico.
030. First Love at first sight: prince eric from the little mermaid. and all my other imaginary husbands always ended up with the same name as well. T___T
031. First Big Birthday: 9 at the golden arch. didnt we all had that for at least once in our life?
032. First Surgery: the removal of my wisdom tooth(?) I SWEAR IT WAS EVIL!
033. First sport you joined: sprinting.
034. Orange or Apple juice: neither.
035. Rock or Rap: both.
036. Country or Screamo: both.
037. NSYNC or Backstreet boys: 5566. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! eh laugh eh.
038. Britney spears or Christina Aguilera: christina.
039. Night or Day: both.
040. Sun or Moon: both.
041. TV or Internet: Both.
042. Playstation or xbox: playstation!
043. Kiss or hug: hugs.
044. Iguana or turtle: iguana.
045. Spider or bee: spider.
046. Fall or spring: both.
047. Limewire or iTunes: limewire.
048. Soccer or baseball: soccer.
049. Eating: edible.
050. Drinking: minum milo anda jadi sihat dan kuat! nolar. coffee.
051. Excitement level: level 27 dengan kuasa ghaib harris periuk.
052. I'm about to: feed my lazy dog with steroids.
053. Listening to: the power rangers soundtrack. power chords giler! teehee.. ^_^V
054. Plan for today: buat reading log dan mengbelog untuk pembaca setia.
055. Waiting for: mew to come to msia.
056. Energy Level: due ratus lapan puluh tujuh peratus. *yatta!*
057. Thinking of someone: kawan-kawan di siberjayer. hur hur hur...
058. Want kids?: tak nak. *muka mengada*
059. Want to get married?: erm.. tak berape minat buat skang. *muka mengada 2897312%
060. When?: ish. kan dah kater tak nak! *muka cimb*
061. How many kids do you want: tak paham bahase. benci!
062. Any name on the mind: aznil nawawi. tom tom bak bersamer abang aznil! *pew weeeet!*
063. What do you want to do: nak gi shopping kat pavillion. kedai guess kan ader diskaun. teehee..
065. Mellow future or wild: i nak liar macam si tigger kat kartun beruang pooh! teehee.. ^^V
066. Something you would never try: erm.. kontrol cun kat depan balak i. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
067. When do you want to die: ish.. doser cakap pasal mati kat bulan lima haribulan sebelas!
068. Lips or Eyes: nak mater macam bered pittS ngan bibir cam anjelina joli! seksi diorang kat dalam citer tuan dan puan smith.
069. Romantic or Funny?: kelakar. tak best ar kalo asyik beromen jek kan?
070. Shorter or Taller?: i tak kisah sebab i pun tak lah tinggi sampai maner. *malu* teehee..
072. Romantic or Spontaneous?: i suker laki yang spontan. macho gilerrrr! teehee.. ^^V
073. Nice Stomach or Nice Arms?: kalau boleh i nak nice... teehee.. *malu*
074. Sensitive or Loud?: dua-dua kena balens.
075. Hook-up or Relationship?: relationship.
076. Trouble Maker or Hesitant?: good mix of both.
077. Muscular or normal: insignificant.
078. Kissed a stranger: no.
079. Broken a bone: dislocated my spine. so no i havent broken a bone.
080. Lost glasses or contacts: belum pernah lagi.
081. Ran away from home: sekali je.
082. Held a gun/knife for self defence: no.
083. Killed somebody: no.
084. Broken some one's heart: hopefully not.
085. Had your heart broken: we live we learn.
086. Been arrested: no.
087. Cried when someone died: yes.
088. Liked a friend more than a friend: *looks at ground and kicks imaginary dust*
089. Yourself: love myself. surelah ade. teehee..
090. Miracles: takes place at the most unexpected of times.
091. Love at first sight: only happens to one in a million. unless youre delusional all the time.
092. Heaven: upstairs.
093. Santa Claus: is struggling with Atkins. its the potatoes. its always the potatoes. *sighs*
094. Tooth Fairy: was made up to fool ignorant white kids and asian anglophiles. just like the SATs.
095. Kiss in the first date: *yawns*
096. Angels: twelve.
097. Is there 1 person you want to be with right now? : no.
098. Are you seriously happy with where you're in life now? : yes.
099. Do you believe in God? : yes.
100. Post as 100 truths and tag 10 people.

• ten people.

are you are you?

many a times

we're sure we know;

we know we know;

we think we know;

do we really?

we want them

fast.

immediate.

right here

right now.

do we really?

many a times

i was sure i knew;

i knew i knew;

i think i knew;

did i really?

are you are you?

this too shall pass

at times

we're really just as ignorant.

augustus,

lorenzo,

maria,

unknown.

it's just a phase.

we drink, we dance, we live.

happiness.

temporary happiness.

at times

we're really just as ignorant.

mominhup gor, cheng lei yun liong ngo ba!

aunty fay used to say to me, "if you know you shouldnt have done it then why did you even do it?"

how do i answer to that? "because im an idiot who should take my foot out from my mouth but then i'll somehow find another way to put it back in again"?

this is not a sad post. just a way of apologizing to this friend that ive hurt today. hes probably gonna read this so i guess this is the only way i could think of to tell him how sorry i truly am. i hate to see myself as one of those people who apologizes so many times that they word "sorry" eventually loses its meaning. i know im contradicting myself here but YES i admit that i am a totally clueless idiot at times like these! T_____T

i just hope you know that no matter what happens, i truly appreciate having a friend like you. i know youre gonna roll your eyes and throw a towel rack at me once youve read this. but thats how i really feel right now. im sorry for being such an idiot. if watching me pretending to be a disney princess and prancing around with 4 1/2 inches heels will make you feel better, then to prance in heels i shall! (although i secretly enjoy prancing around and pretending im a princess at times T______T).

so there you have it. embarassing fact no.1898712.

saya sayang pada kamu ya kawan. tolong jangan marah lagi. saya jadi puteri disney esok okei? *shy*

fml.

i absolutely hate it when this happens. its so bloody awful!

first i wake up feeling like crap. and then from the feeling of being utterly useless it turns me into this monster who just wants to take a waterbottle and slap everyone with it. and then from that crazy bitch i will pick the saddest song ever written and cry myself to sleep and then wake up and get so tempted to tell everyone to just fuck off. and then i get on msn and everyone just keeps saying the wrong things that are like dousing pepper into my eyes. and that reminds me of this one time when my dad used to buy all these wasabis in a tube and me and my brother used to dare each other to press the air out of it and into our eyes. yes coz we're retarded like that. i think it was all those walks in shopping malls under renovation. some of that glue probably shot straight into our brains but i'll leave that story for another entry dammit i hate everyone including my bloody ovaries right now! although theyre not technically bleeding yet unless i punch them or they decide to go all operation menstruation on me cb why am i feeling like that?!!!

and me not being able to control any of these makes it even more awful!

i hope my period comes tomorrow.

p/s: maybe i should get a bf right now so that i could dump someone coz the only way for me to be really happy is to make someone damn dulan. T__________T

classified

when you stand before that thin layer of silver,

please tell me what do you see?

were your yellow bricks neatly laid?

or were you wondering if those pigtails

a pathetic attempt to cuteness

were 17degrees askewed?

do you know why you never got the whole truth?

it wasnt because they wanted to protect you

it wasnt because they cared for you

it was pathetic

they knew you couldnt take all those words

see what a test-drive could do to you

it really wouldve been more fun

if you were quicker

more intelligent

more challenging

youre just another boring player

in your pretentious badges and uniforms

bravado?

i accepted you once

you really shouldnt have said that

that one word just did it

it was all it took

you said you didnt need friends

thats what you thought

what if i told you the poison

its working

manusia sememangnya mempersonakan

waste my time! sial! its effing hilarious though to see how gullible you are. it was fun for a while. but not fun enough. 

times when you shouldnt be so alert.

i was just telling a friend the other day about how im feeling indifferent about the people around me. its not such a bad thing to do actually. sometimes its really out of the need to simply stay level-headed.

in the past couple of days, one of them came up to me in an attempt to tell me bout whats been going on recently. i just felt indifferent.

and then this morning, another one came and we talked. along that conversation there was a couple of questions i was being asked.

i dont know how to explain this in words, but for some reason, when i put two and two together, the picture couldnt have been any clearer. its crazy i tell you. the way my mind works. i hardly doubt my instincts/presumptions/any other words with the similiar affect because its not a once or twice thing. theres this thing in my head where i just naturally pay VERY CAREFUL attention to what people are saying to me and for some crazy reason, my mind just detects the randomly connected pieces and out comes the picture. i honestly wished that i wasnt so sharp when it comes to things like that. but now ive just learned to embrace that part of me.

i dont want to mention anything to anyone as i doubt it will benefit anyone in the end. however, i just hope that everyone will know what theyre getting themselves into and make the best out of it. heres to the hope of no one making the same mistakes they did in the past. perhaps at least think before you act. 

this is just too weird even for myself. just hope that everything will turn out well for everyone at the end of the day. okbabai.

Easter 1916

I have met them at close of day

Coming with vivid faces

Eighteenth-century houses.

I have passed with a nod of the head

Or polite meaningless words,

Or have lingered awhile and said

Polite meaningless words,

And thought before I had done

Of a mocking tale or a gibe

To please a companion

Aroung the fire at the club,

Being certain that they and I

But lived where motley is worn:

All changed, changed utterly:

A terrible beauty is born.

-W.B. Yeats.

train rides

sometimes i really wish that i was a lot stronger than this. that i wouldnt be so overwhelmed with emotions that all i want to do is just to sit there and cry. as much as i hate it when things like this happens, when how people always has this thinking that im capable of doing every damn thing. sometimes i wonder if this would happen to me if i were a son instead.

when i was in the train, all i could do was just to stop thinking bout what was it that brought me here; why is it that ive decided to just step away and take charge of the situation; why is it that im always treated in such a way. because at the end of the day, all these thoughts would only upset me even more. makes me complain about my situation. makes me be even more self-centred and keep turning in circles.

so at that moment when i was sandwiched between the endless throng of people, i just kept telling myself that its not such a big deal. i just have to do what i have to do and then sleep it off. its going to be alright again when i wake up. 

i know i could handle this. i just have to stop underestimating my own abilites and strenghts. life goes on. nothing is ever that big of a deal.

2009

its been a while since i last updated this page. 

as usual, the sem has started bout a week already and things have been going on pretty well. the only thing that i need some getting used to is probably the way im trying to handle things now. like not talking out the stuffs that are bothering me. in a way its like not admitting to myself that the "problem" is THAT big of a deal that i really need to get it out of my chest. these days i either just try to calm myself down with reading or songs, or if it gets too much, just take a stroll and then sleep it off. im still trying to get used to this method.

its not the most comfortable way of dealing with it, but i do think that it does helps me in not being such an easily agitated person. 

this is a very short entry. so erm... till next time then. just dont hold your breath for the next one.

have a good day everyone. =)

makanlah di restoran oriental cravings di one utama! eh lupa.. tak halal.

It's 12.44am, which means one thing: Happy Chinese New Year people! =D

This timing couldn't have been better for me to talk a bit about my current sem break job, especially when the previous Sunday Star's your say section had been touching on the (closely) related issues.

1. Ten of the worst.
2. Respect please.
3. No excuse for bad service.

As some of you might have already known, I've been helping out my aunt at her restaurant in 1utama, Oriental Cravings, since December. If you don't, well i'm helping out at my aunt at her restaurant in 1utama, Oriental Cravings. =P

Front view of OC

Of course, there are those days (almost on a daily basis. ALMOST) where you meet with customers who are erm.. a tad too unnecessarily rude/snotty. but never to the point of ruining my whole day lar *keeps fingers crossed*. when you're in this line, you HAVE to have control of your own personal emotions in check. which is one important thing that i've learned throughout this experience, thus brings me to why i agree on Timothy on how there is no reason for a bad service.

Being in the service line where you meet different people from all walks of life during your working hours is where you should be ready (in my opinion) to make the best out of the situation in keeping the customers happy. No matter how much they are testing your patience. Yes. I do think that that is part of our job. There's no such thing, or place, for us to be all 'take it or leave it'. I think that's just taking things a little too personal. (p/s: Miss Vaneetha, so how bout a slight push for my PR grade? =D)

Back view of OC

How is it that some people could walk to a customer's table like they're all out to get you is beyond my understanding. Isn't that in the job description when you first applied? Rule No.1: Have to smile and be courteous to customers at all times even if all you want to do is stab them with their own fork.

I'm speaking as both a first hand customer and a waitress. Of course I would like to be served by a happy person. No, I don't want to see that look on your face as if your hamster just died. That is just plain unnecessary. As for the customers, it would be nice if they could be polite to their server. Generally speaking, you wouldn't want to talk/be talked to by someone who's face looked as if they're sucking a lemon which never seems to finish its taste do you? I think that's just unnecessary.

Like the other day when there was this slightly wacked out customer who was lashing out on me about how the people who were smoking were getting on her nerves. Erm.. lady, you did requested for a seat outside which i had clearly informed you that it is a smoking area and you declined my offer to seat you inside which is a non-smoking area so erm.. your complain really isn't making much sense to me. So do you want me to stop the others from smoking just so that you could continue with your meal in peace and pollution-free air? because then i would be eaten alive by the others as well for making a ridiculous request. btw, do you mind not yelling on at me because the last thing i need now is to have my hearing impaired just because youre having a bad day. oh and you wanna hear the story bout my housemate's dead hamsters and how they all died? i could even add in every single one of their sexually explicit names foc. =/

Though it has only been two months, but that doesn't mean that i haven't met my fair share of wacko customers now have i?

But i do have to admit that sometimes the customers do get a tad too much as well. Do they not understand that the server's job is to serve and the cook's job to cook? Although we run as a body/organization, but sometimes please be a little more considerate when your meal is running a little slow when the restaurant is obviously running on full steam already. We can't help it that everyone decided to all makan at the same time. Do you think we don't wish that we could take over the kitchen staffs place so that we could serve your meals within 15mins just so that we would not have to get our heads bitten off? Trust me when i say that it's best to leave the cooks to their job so that the hospital doesn't have to bring a stomach pump eventhough i do make a mean dish of mashed potatoes.

The point is that you have been informed before-hand that your orders will run a little late. Because then you can choose if you are willing to wait a little while or decide to try out another eatery. If we didn't, then it is our fault. But it would be nice if you could understand if we are so busy in keeping up with the others as well that it had slipped our mind to do so. Needless to say that it is our fault, but please don't make it harder for us than it already is. It would be nice to not be yelled at, but if you decided that there is a need to do it then, oh well. That's all i'm saying.

There are days when the place is so packed that the only thing you could think about is the hours more to go before the messenger/waitress/supervisor/miss may, notifies the customers that it would be the last order for the day *cue cheesy orchestra music*.

However, there are also days where we (waitresses) are on this psychadelic high in trying to clean out all the day's specials! You should see my friend Jane high 5ing everyone all the way from the customers's tables to the counter when something off the menu is sold. That woman's enthusiasm and commitment to her job is seriously infectious!

This whole whirlwind of an experience had indeed taught me how to be both a better customer and waitress. So people, smile lar everyone once in a while. =D

p/s: im always so tempted to add in a lame pun intended line of the joker asking "why so serious?" everytime i see a customer who looks like shes related to victor's hamsters (dead) but then there is this deafining silence in my head followed by a cyber nerd's annoying voice saying "awkwardddd" and then an image of miu miu pops into my head. *shifty eyes*

"I love my job. I love my job."

- Emily, The Devil wears Prada.

im karen.

got to know a new friend yesterday. well not exactly new. was in fact my classmate just that we never talked before this. wonder why was that...

so from one missed call it went on to a whole days worth of text messages. funny how things turn out sometimes. learned a couple of stuff as well. surprisingly, it actually went pretty well.

i really do need more people like that in my life. 

funny... =)

trying

every blog ive visited has been swarmed with pages long worth of resolutions and all that new year stuff and i was pretty tempted to do the same and then thought "maybe its best to leave that personal stuff in handwriting". =/

so heres a very mundane post about the days before the new year. recap people!

so erm.. couple of days before the big 09 i received a couple of messages from people ranging from party invites to just plain hanging out with random people. not really my idea of fun to end the year. work has been well.. work. but im not complaining. its a pretty good way to just step out from my comfort zone and earn some cash. even if it means putting up with a couple of wacked out people who decided to turn eating out into a lets annoy the shit out of these chinese waitresses and smack their faces with our fake engrisssssh accent fest. 

im complaining already arent i? 

so erm yeah.. just layan only lar.

and erm.. so i decided that i really wasnt in the mood to make small talks with random people by hanging out with a couple of friends and lisa's message couldnt  have come at a more perfect time. so it was just gonna be both of us being silly at starbucks with her laptop and just chillaxing there. just so you know, thats her in the previous post. 

i had a great time and who knows that it only cost two drinks to have so much fun. we had strange stares from people around seeing two person laughing in front of the comp with their mouths stuffed with serviettes (note: dont butcher me if i happened to spell that wrongly).

so erm what else eh?

we hung out for bout 3-4hours plus and then she dropped me off a lil past midnight since i was working the next day. and then i guessed i kinda pissed someone off for some reason. perhaps? i dont know.

i dont even know if i should be writing bout this. its kinda bugging me as much as i try to ignore it. 

which brings me to the topic bout those who are reading this. i know what they say bout how if youre gonna do this on the internet that you should be prepared that people are gonna read it somehow and lay their criticisms on it. 

i do realize that this IS a mundane blog. but it doesnt reflect my person as a whole. if im happy i just wanna go out there and enjoy it. which is why only the sappy posts are up. i find writing theraupeutic. not because im depressed ALL the time. i mean some people jot down bout their daily lives. some bout those happy moments. and im just doing the same thing, except bout different occasions. so does that makes me a self-centred person? at first i was so sure that i was being misintepreted. but now im really not so sure anymore. 

i guess to most of the people out there has this perception that a blog is supposed to be something which talks bout the excitement of life. bout how theyre living each day. well my apologies that i dont come across as that. not even close. but that doesnt mean that im not living my life. i just dont jot it down. what started out as a medium to rant out turned into something that is talked about for my lack of optimistic views. see how easy it is to be put out and judged just because you dont conform to their perceptions?

theres no need to remind me again about how boring this blog is. i hear it often enough to make me rethink if i should just shut this down once and for all. i mean seriously, if its upsetting then why carry on? then theres also the whole other thought of just doing what i feel comfortable with. just take everything as it is and not too personally.

i guess i just have to try harder at not trying to please everyone. i'll only end up losing more than i can afford. 

not a very optimistic and constructing post isnt it?

oh well...

Hedo from Springfield

Yo brader and sista! Phew weet~!

This post is dedicated to my loyal readers out there.

I am currently sitting next to a pro-Japanese Malaysian, Karen Kok Hisashi at Setarrbakso, Centrepoint Menara Tokyo di Jepun cerebwating the first day of toow jilo jilo nine.

Wokeh, I'm too nervous to type now since Miss Kok is molesting me. *shy*

あけましておめでとうございます (Akemashite omedeto gozaimasu) Don't get it? Google it!

Before I forget, AISHITERU Karen Kok Hisashi Hsi Hsi!

Been friends since Primary One, and our friendship is still going stronger :)

Oopsie! It's bart's sister here.

xoxo you know you lap me,
Lisa :D

the waitress

so this is how it feels like.

if i was handed a glass right now. this is what i'll do with it - without a doubt.

have been away for the last couple of weeks. been working.

its all good. 

you see all kinds of people;

some decent, but not all.

but its nice to be in this situation.

theres so much to learn.

every yell and every word sputtered;

theres always something ready to be extracted underneath all that wool.

am i happy?

indeed.

this is something that no amount of education could prepare you for.

maybe to a certain degree it does - perhaps.

how exciting!

people - hello!

sick

thank you lisa. =)

Placebo

there's a short row of names.
everyone's in it except you.
how much you meant in someone's life,
does that row signifies something?
pretending that it's just you and your mind.
you know and you just have to accept it.
it's as simple as that.
so what are you still waiting for?

evoke

at times like this, i realize that my mind is a lot stronger than my heart.

somehow i know.

walk

the problem with me is that i tend to overthink. no matter how much i try to avoid it, i will soon end up making back the same mistake before i can ask why. 

recently, this ridiculous habit finally took its toll and i had to pay a very painful cost. how much i wished that i could turn back time and lock myself in a room so that i wouldnt be able to do that damage. 

i wouldnt exactly say that i completely regret of the things that had happened. of course i am dissapointed at myself at the result of my habit, but then again, if i didnt make that mistake, i wouldve probably not realized how destructive to relationships it could be. 

trusting someone had never been easy. thoughout the years, i had always kept a distance from everyone i know. no matter how close we are. i hate myself for it. trust me. i really do. but then ive always thought that it doesnt matter much for its not like its hurting people around me. how wrong i was. 

for the past week, i 'forced' myself to just quit thinking and learn to trust and accept. but then in the end i couldnt take it anymore as it just wasnt me to not 'over-rationalise'. right now, im still paying the price for it. after all that has been said and done, i know that i can never undo that mistake that i did. all i can hope for is that i dont do anymore further damage to what seems to be already partially broken. i really cant afford to lose anymore than i already have. 

the more i get to know other people, the more i realize how ignorant i had been all these years. how narrow minded i was. how silly my thoughts were. i still do stand up for what i believe is right. but i need to give myself the time to really analyze if it IS truly right. and not get buried alive in the gravel of self-rightousness. its silly. 

im just holding on to the phrase: "time will heal all wounds". i just pray that it isnt too deep to the point of just a painful scar of my mistakes.

we are the water bearers

this whole feeling of independence

it pours in

smashing down walls of self-doubts

it drowns all fears

fear of loneliness

fear of sadness

fear of unhappiness

its liberating!

for the past couple of months, i had been so blinded by the current confusion in front of my eyes that ive forgotten about the essence that helped me survive till this day. it's time i brought them out of their cases. i miss this feeling. 

this feeling of being fearless. 

this feeling of taking risks.

this feeling of not stepping down without a fight.

this feeling of knowing that we dont foster weakness.

i miss the old me. ive been away from myself for far too long now. 

how much ive missed this warm embrace.

Saya Dibubuhi Tanda

1. The person who last tag you is: Fui Yin.

2. Your relationship with him/her is: Chilli-tuna-eating-in-math-class-at-14 classmate (for five years)... as classmates, not the tuna eating.

3. Your five impression of him/her: Sporty, Diligent, Persistent, Debater, Intelligent.

4. The most memorable thing he/she had done for you: Brought 'beng pei' mooncake from home coz i liked them so much. T.T

5. The most memorable thing he/she had said to you: Everytime she starts of her sentence with: "Ei Karen! Your kuan yin ma ar!!!" Whenever she's mad at her, she looks at me as if I'm actually related to this Goddess. T.T (Well IT IS memorable).

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will: Tell her that my impression towards lesbians went sour after Mdm Xin Fu. *shivers*

7. If he/she becomes your lover, things he/she has to improve on will be: To stop relating me with kuan yin ma. Though I know we look freakily alike in our Form 1 class photo. (You don't er chui lor fui yin. Don't think I don't know that you'll go and dig back our yearbook and laugh at it. T_______T).

8. If he/she becomes your enemy, you will: Convince her that my great great great grandaunt's uncle's best friend's mistress's granduncle's neighbour's cat's owner's daughter's ex-boyfriend's father knows someone who owns the whole arsenal team.

9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will be: Confess to her that my great great great grandaunt's uncle's best friend's mistress's granduncle's neighbour's cat's owner's daughter's ex-boyfriend's father doesn't really knows anyone that owns the whole arsenal team.

10. The most desired thing you want to do for him/her now is: Pick her up from her uni so that we could do some catching up. It's been more than 2 years already. T.T

11. Your overall impression of him/her is: Football fanatic. (I know it's not exactly the most personal thing to say, but that's to prove my point of us REALLY having to catch up!).

12. How you think people around you will feel about you?: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! no... seriously.

13. The characters you love of yourself are: Independent, Curious, Opinionated.

14. On the contrary, the characters you hate of yourself are: Procrastination.

15. The most ideal person you want to be is: Multilinguist.

16. For people that care and like you, say something to them: You really like me? Thanks! Here, have some candies! Seriously, for those who care for me, you'll know that i feel the same for them just as well. =) You still want some candies?

17. Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wished to know how they feel about you:

• Chanz
• Derick
• Hiro
• Katrina
• Lee Yi
• Leo
• Leong
• Rave
• Sadikin
• Wen Lhi

*Updated*

18. Who is no.6 having a relationship with? (Leo):

No one at the mo. I think.

19. Is no.9 a male or female? (Sadikin):

A little bit of both. Hohoho.. Dont worry. Sadikin is a full-fledged male.

20. If no. 7 and 10 are together, will it be a good thing? (Leong and Wen Lhi):

CAN!!! ish ish ish.. Both also so er chui. Eh wait. But wen lhi is already taken so.. 

21. What is no.2 studying about? (Derick):

Making triangle shaped buildings. Architecture Science.

22. When was the last time you had a chat with no.6? (Leo):

Erm.. Sunday? Which is bout 3 days ago.

23. What kind of music band no.8 likes? (Rave):

Thai and Cantopop. HAHAHA!!! (p/s: true story).

24. Does no.1 has any siblings? (Chanz):

One jie jie and one mei mei. Kaaaaaaaa....... =D

25. Will you woo no.3? (Hiro):

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

26. How about no.7? (Leong):

Erm... Unfortunately he's already off limits.

27. Is no.4 single? (Katrina):

Does being in love with yourself counts as being in a relationship?

28. What is the surname of no.5? (Lee Yi):

Ah Lai. She has the best surname you can bully for a chinese. Hohoho..

29. What's the hobby of no.10? (Wen Lhi):

Being a sexpot, reading manga, day-dreaming, swimming, being an ever er-chuier sexpot.

30. Does no. 4 and 9 get along? (Katrina and Sadikin):

Yezzu yezzu.

31. Where is no.2 studying at? (Derick):

Limkokwing.

32. Talking something casually about no.1 (Chanz):

We love, hate, annoy, and yet need each other. It's a freaky symbiosis.

33. Where does no.9 lives at? (Sadikin):

Cyberia. The room beside the bathroom with funky lights.

34. What colour does no.5 likes? (Lee Yi):

Pink.

35. Are no.5 and no.1 best friends? (Chanz and Lee Yi):

They do know each other. They do plan pretty awesome birthdays which usually consists of Victor in a black garbage bag outside hotel rooms.

36. Does no.1 has any pets? (Chanz):

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! 

37. Is no.7 the sexiest person in the world? (Leong):

*shifty eyes*

38. What is no.6 doing now? (Leo):

Catwalking around Nexus with a swollen eye and long face. And working.

Self-control

Control.

It's all bout control.

Then it'll be ok.

Beachcomber

A couple of months back I happened to come across a piece of seashell on the beach. I was immediately awed by its beauty even while standing on the sandy ground under the hot sun. I turned it to the left, then a little to the right, and back again to the left, it gleamed like a piece of precious stone in my palm.

I kept it in a box. It was my little secret. Long have I wanted to string it into a necklace but then there were the constant doubts of whether it should be worn like a piece of accessory. I wasn't sure if it was right for me. 

Days came and went just like that, until one day I decided to bring this little shell out of the box. Coincidental perhaps, but it managed to ward off some bad stuff that day. That night, I gazed at it admiringly for its make-believe mystical power. 

Next thing in the morning I will string it and wear it proudly for all to see! But little did I know that for the past months of this little habitat of a once living creature, had turned fragile after being away from the sea water for far too long. 

I was the happiest kid in town. Silly perhaps, but definitely on cloud nine with that piece of shell. I believed that with it, I no longer had to feel afraid of the evil powers around. I was safe. I felt protected. How delirious I was. 

After exactly a week, as I was blowing away imaginary specks of dust on it, I accidentally puffed a little too strong and it fell from my hands onto the cold tiles. It was smashed to smithereens. I wasn't prepared to lose it yet. I had only worn it for a week. It was too soon. Far too soon. I wanted it back. I wished I didn't try to clean it. Perhaps then it wouldn't have fallen onto the ground. At least I would still have it in my palms now. 

How much tears I have shed over that piece of shell I have no idea. All I knew was that I just wanted it back really badly. So much so that I was too paranoid to leave the house without it. I felt weak. I felt vulnerable. Like I was going to be blown up by some wizard out of the corner or something. 

I tried to glue it back. But then I only made it worst. 

I looked at that piece of shell. At the mess I have turned it into. 

Was it still salvageable? I really don't know. Hopefully.

That night, I dreamt that I was back at that beach. The sun was still there baking everything it could reach with its beams. It was exactly the time when I first found that shell. Then I realized something. As I was walking nearer towards it, I was in fact stepping over and crushing other sea shells as well. There was a whole beach filled with them! From clam shells to sand dollars. 

As I woke up, I realized that the little piece of shell that I found was not the only one there is. 

I opened up the wooden box and looked at the damage that I've done earlier. Regretful I was. But I knew I shouldn't be too sad over it. Though shattered, I don't think I could bring myself to put it into the bin. It was afterall the very first piece that made me believe in magic all over again.

aqualung

Need to know 
I don't wanna know 
Already know 
I've seen the signs 
I watch you as you pull yourself away from me 

Can't believe 
I wanna believe 
How can i believe 
You're making me doubt 
I thought i knew you 
I don't even know myself 

I'm losing faith 
I'm losing all faith 

I wanna fight 
Afraid to fight 
Why don't i fight 
And make you see 
I hold my breath 
And disappear inside myself 

I'm losing strength, i'm losing all strength 

Don't ask me to start 
Ask me to start 
Just don't ask me to start again 
Start again 

I'm losing you

has been

i should have known from the start that this was all too good to be true. 

how could i have been so blind to it?

avoiding was only going to make things worse.

i really should have known better.

one day, 

the dust has to settle.

all i really want is to be happy.

just happy.

and contented.

that's just life

this feeling that is flowing in me right now is only all too familiar, and yet till this day i still couldnt find any words that could comprehend this raw sensation.

i told a friend something that i shouldve said a long time ago. throughout the months, the words just kept accumulating like sacred little rosary beads at the tip of my tongue, and yet i always managed to dry swallow them back inside when the moment comes. the once cold, hard pearly drops always manage to turn warm after being nestled for a little too long in the heat of my mouth. 

it happened this evening after i ran into the house from the pouring rain and came home to your messages. there was no use of keeping it in any longer.

they all flowed out like a pink-silverish stream of unguarded spirits out in the open. in a way im really glad that i did it. im glad that i told him that im not going to continue standing for this anymore. its not something that he could easily discard like how he did to the others. im not just some punchbag which you could throw a few blows at when youre pissed. i come with dignity. try giving a little respect.

theres no need for your reasons as they are just empty words to me. you shouldve thought about it before you did anything. the excuse about it being your habit has being used for one too many times. you dont have to apologize. and neither do i owe you an apology for not giving you yet another chance. what has been done cant be changed. we just have to move on with our lives and hopefully learn something from it. 

take care, my friend.

this guy makes my brain looks like it took a year's supply of laxatives.

mi, i think i lao sai-ed.. again.

i was going to write about something that made me really upset earlier today. then as i turned on a song so that i wouldnt have to type out this post in the silence, my ears started to pick up the lyrics of the song and i thought to myself, "is it worth wasting your time writing about some selfish person? its a waste of blog space! get a life!"

so here i am, putting this down to remind my friends who have been affected by this unnecessary drama for the past month plus. seriously people, just get a life!

he's going to be like this for as long as he wants to. theres really nothing that we could do. and nothing that we should be doing! so lets just do ourselves a favour and let him be. stop lying on the road and hiring a monster truck to run over our bodies 123897123142 times already!

people are gonna continue seeing him as an innocent fella.

people are gonna continue to believe that he is a nice person deep down inside.

people are gonna continue thinking that he REALLY is THAT simple.

this list will never end. but the most important thing is...

so what?

seriously. so what if hes a major anal case and still theyre gonna be people who buys into his shit?

seeing him miserable isnt gonna make us any happier.. for long. maybe for a while yea we'll be so effing liberated! but then another few months down the road and theres gonna be another anal case shoving him/herself up our bowel systems and causing more brain diarrhoea. theres a whole clan of this anal cases. theyre just never gonna stop reproducing. so we'll just have to live with the fact that theyre always gonna be around... somewhere!

its funny how one song can just... clear my head so thoroughly. hahahahahhahahaha...

have a nice day people! i know i will. =)

p/s: it's weezer's pork and beans. ;-)

pp/s: Acute diarrhea is a common cause of death in developing countries... In many cases of diarrhea, replacing lost fluid and salts is the only treatment needed. (wikipedia, 2008) SEE!!! even wikipedia agrees with me that these people kills us if only choose not to replace them with erm say... happier thoughts?

when you have a weekend to yourself with ah lai

have been recently down with the flu. makes me at the number one on the tree-huggers hit list. T___T

suddenly im missing my primary and high school friends so much. (read: ros, lisa, chanz). the times where the only thing we had to worry about was how to beat the other houses during sports day. boohoo...

on a lighter note however, things hadnt been a completely smooth ride. but thats alright, i know i'll get through it with probably some slight scratches and bruises here and there to say the least *pats self*

erm.. yea so im happy and still kicking!

thats all folks.

p/s: sorry for the random and short post. but will tire you guys with a longer and hopefully non-morbid post the next time when assignments are not up to my arsehulll.

have a great weekend! :-*

please pardon the one on the left.  your left not mine.

Alanis Morissette - You Learn

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

when i first saw you

i think it's funny how some people choose to live a life of hypocrisy. is it so hard to just let the truth out? or perhaps just tell a person what you really think, instead of talking one thing and acting another.

and the funniest is when a person is not even put in that position in the first place, but then 'volunterily' put themselves into that situation and pretend to be all into it. i dont know whether to feel sad for them for stooping so low and bringing the term 'pathetic' to a whole new level, or just pass them off as being... well, simply funny?

this life and the people living in it sure never ceases to amaze me.

=)

cold mornings

sleep deprivation and nicotine is not good they say.

i run my fingers along the row of books.

one.

two.

three.

i miss the feeling of rolling words on my tongue. blunt. crisp. its all too familiar.

its cold. so cold. but i refuse to give in. id rather just put on the green sweater. a weird mixture of detergent and fabric softener. your scent is no longer there.

sometimes i regret for washing it. but it was too painful to leave it lingering. i know how stubborn and bad i am when it comes to nostalgic things like this. i want to store all that reminds me of you in a dusty shoe box. i do. badly. but i know its harmful. it wont make a difference. you wont be coming back. youre there while im still here. as we know it. life.

i miss waking up to your quiet breathings. but you were never at peace. not even in your sleep. there was always a worried face. waking up by your side always reminds me of the dreamcatcher in my bedroom. what is in your head? the boogeyman? or those lonely christmas we promised would never come again?

but we both knew. we were never good with keeping promises. how much ive missed you.

how much longer?

so much had happened in this short period of time. at times i really wish that i could just give up on all this. just turn my back on all this. just pack up and leave.

no matter how much i try to just shut my eyes and ears on all that is going on, its almost impossible. i cant stand there and just see people i care about getting hurt this way. i hate being in this kind of situations. i hate knowing anything. i hate being there but wishing that i werent. i hate that im not strong enough to say that enough is enough.

sometimes i would rather choose to be selfish. then perhaps i wouldnt be in this situation.

i did try. i really did. i tried to shut my ears but the knocks on the door is just too much at times. no matter how long the songs are playing it still cant completely drown those knocks. then i hear it getting softer. so faint that i have to strain my ears to make sure if its still there. it is. its faint but its existence is too visible to be ignored.

its scary to think how ones irresponsible decision could cause so much chaos amongst their friends. its strong enough to even bring strain among the strongest of bonds.

after that night when i realized that theres only so much one can do to help, i thought that things would start to look up. but then it hasnt. apparently some people just dont get it.

as i was looking at the rolled up paper burn my troubled mind away, i realized that perhaps its time to stop. call me selfish, but i need to watch out for myself just like what the others are doing. theres no point getting hurt for nothing. there really isnt any logic in that. and i dont think its really worth all those sleepless nights.

i just hope that im doing the right thing. perhaps this is whats best for me and my sanity.

hop bunny hop!

im so pissed that im literally lost for words! how do i put this down? its as if im fucking pissed and yet im pissed at myself for even feeling pissed! seriously i have to stop being so immature at times. but then that swig which burned my throat on its way down told me that it was okay to hate people sometimes. it was like the little brown bunny. im just following it back into its little hiding where people splash each other with sins and smoked on unfiltered cigarettes. it all looks so lovely from up here. maybe i'll just take a quick peek and leave. just a really quick one. count to ten and i'll be out of there!

one.. two.. three.. four.. five.. six.. seven.. eight.. nine.. ten.. eleven.. twelve.. thirteen lil bunnies.. fourteen lil bunnies.. fiften lil bunni....

i knew that i should never be trusted around them brown bunnies.

Something Inside

a couple of weeks back as I was on the bus back to segamat, i was looking out the window since my eyes and brain refused to give in even for 30mins. as the journey drew nearer to the end, things began to look more familiar - the chinese medical hall uncle who used to give me a lolly everytime dad brought me there to get some cough syrup on our trip up to kl, the police station which I used to wonder if there were really officers on duty inside since the gate was always locked, the road which I fell asleep during one of my first few driving lessons and nearly drove right into a palm plantation.

i thought back about how i used to anticipate those trips to aunt fay's place - meaning another weekend away from the family. it reminds me of how i used to carry myself before and now. i was a different person back then. i was the kid who always had the need to seek approval from the others. not my peers, but the elders. there was always an annoying thing about me who always had to prove myself to the adults. like i was some kinda prodigy or something. i fed and grew fat from those praises. i was like a kid who took spoonfuls of these honey and store them all in a a dusty old shoe box hidden under my bed - there were for my emergencies. everytime something goes wrong, i just take one of these spoons and lick off some honey. every flick of the tongue sends an orchestra of angels singing hymn in my head. it kept me fat. it kept me sane.

as i grew older, people come around to tell me that i could write well - academically; just for pleasure.

"i wish i could write like you!"

but what's there to be envious about? perhaps by a stroke of luck i did manage to get my word vomit out in a more 'appealing' manner. but how long does that last? why do you think i rarely blog these days? isnt it obvious enough that im no clarence day?

all these words i have in my head are like trails of rainbows. people follow it in hoping that there will be a pot of gold in the end; to find something extraordinary and genius. how dissapointed they will be. maybe thats why i write so little now. im afraid to dissapoint. im not ready to accept the looks im going to get when these people reach the end of that rainbow where there isnt any gold. maybe thats why i path the trail so slowly. hoping that the trail will not end anytime soon - so they wont see the mountain of painted gravel.

it feels like all i have are just a handful of gravel - painted with the leftover paints discarded by the minds of others - the true artists.

im lacking of colours and paints.

even gravel these days.

The Day I Met Andy

As I sat down at the balcony and lean against the weathered pillow, I began to realize how much I was going to miss this moment of solutide which I always looked forward to after a bad day. Together with some of the withering plants, it is the place which has brought some of the most memorable days to me. Just like when before she left, many nights had we hung out together there. Taking in the breezy air along with the sound of people downstairs either just chilling by the pool side or being dared to jump into the chlorinated water.

We'll be moving out tomorrow, stopping by occasionally to pick up whatever that we had left behind; books that were left for months unread on the shelves, shoes that had long been unworn, untouched decorative pieces, things like that. I'm going to miss coming back to this place which had been my little peaceful haven for more than a decade. The place where I always look forward to every month ever since I was back in my times table-memorizing days. The place where I know I'll always be a part of. The place where I know I could always run to after a heated argument with the parents back home.

This house had seen me through so many chapters of my life. Like the night before my Asean scholarship entry exam, followed by the interview some weeks later. The day when I was looking forward to our first date together to the summer splash party back in '06. The nights where I was so frustrated doing my assignment of the St.Basil collage. When I cried over the phone to Lisa and the relief to know that I'll always have this friend by my side no matter how badly I've screwed up. And when I went straight to the comp the moment I reached home to blog about the two-hour queue for tickets to Muse.

Tonight was slightly different though. For the first time the little balcony gave me some serenity and peace in a more optimistic manner. It did not make me dwell in the sadness of having to leave this place after so many years of comfort. It did not console by letting me know that it is okay to want to feel sad and depressed. Tonight, it gave me a sense of hope and a small touch of happiness. It made me realize how many fireworks that had been litted and sparked off in the dark sky to celebrate everyones' lives here till this very day and how I've missed out on most of those joyous occasions. It reminded me that it is not the house that gave me that sense of belonging and being loved unconditionally but the people who lived in it. It taught me to appreciate every single moment I still have to be with the people I love. And for the first time, it actually made me step back into the house with a smile. =)

Thank you for bringing a special person to walk into my life today for it is from him that I realized that there is still a spark of faith I had in Him which I thought had long been put out.

The Untalkative Bunny

How is it that people could bring themselves to imitate others directly and unshamefully, this i definitely could not bring myself to understand. I know that whole "highest form of flattery" reasoning and all but still... seriously! these people just never stop cracking me up. Reminds me of this line from Crank Dat:

"...Nope, You can't do it like me

Hoe, So don't do it like me

Folk, I see you tryna do it like me

Man that shit was ugly!..."

-Soulja Boy-

And here's one my favourite pictures captured in Penang from our backpacking trip.

Have a great week people! =D

Just Another Soldier on the Road to Nowhere

It's funny how a few hours of difference could put your emotions in a 180degrees spin. A couple of hours after the last post, I couldn't seem to fall off to sleep so decided to just hit the gym and hopefully get tired out so that I could go to bed. Turns out that I was feeling even more refreshed so I took the opportunity to call up two people to wish them Happy Fathers Day. Turns out that both didn't pick up their phone. But one of them replied and it wasn't good news. What began as a funny and poking message then turned into something mind shattering.

It was one of those news that I was just too stunned to even react to it. I only started to feel again after I called her up because I really needed someone to talk to after that message. I really didn't know what to say. All I did was just sob into the receiver. The painful kind. Where every sob seems to be sucking a huge amount of air from your lungs.

I don't know. It's been such a long time since I had to come across this again. I've had three relatives passed away in such a short period of time; and immensely small gap between each years. Perhaps this time it's not as serious as I think it is. But that's an even scarier thought. Because everytime I'm being told that it's not as bad as I think, that's when I get doused with cold water after that been said. I hate this feeling. I hate it that I'm crying over this. I hate that I can't do anything at this point. I hate being so stupid as to hope that all hard feelings could be put aside at times like these. I hate feeling so helpless and crippled and all I could do is just to get down on my knees and pray to whoevers listening to take this pain away. I hate being so weak up to the point that I have to write this down to hopefully clear it out of my mind for the time being.

I really can't continue with what or how I had intended to write this, on how I thought I had to recollect my thoughts and stop crying. I hate being this weak when it comes to situations like this. Perhaps I should lie down now.

I am going to bed happy =)

I swear that chatting with random people on msn during sleepless nights are so invigorating!

karen says:
hey lemme ask you something!

karen says:
what do you think is the worst thing a girl could do?

Jun Jie says:
hmmm..

Jun Jie says:
reject a guy's proposal to make love?

karen says:
hahahahhahhaaahhahahhaahhahaha

karen says:
whatttttttttt???!!

karen says:
why?

Jun Jie says:
lol hahaha

Jun Jie says:
im just saying la

Jun Jie says:
thats quite potong steam too lol

karen says:
HAHAHAHA!!!!

Jun Jie says:
lol thats something that came into my mind haha

karen says:
okay then now lemme ask you another question!

karen says:
urm...

karen says:
what/who would you bring if you were stuck in a shopping centre which is having a 70% sales? (name 5)

Jun Jie says:
cash?

Jun Jie says:
credit card lol

Jun Jie says:
i prefer shopping alone

karen says:
whattt??!!! youre so boring!

karen says:
why isnt my name in that list huh???

Jun Jie says:
you so bising

Jun Jie says:
hehe

karen says:
say that again!

karen says:
okay wait i take that back

karen says:
before you REALLY say that again

karen says:
and i shall now bestow upon you the third question!

karen says:
if there is one place in the world you could be (for below rm1500), where would you be? and what junk food will you stash in your along in your bag?

Jun Jie says:
i think i just pull a piece of the wall out zzz

Jun Jie says:
you mean my budget is 1500?

karen says:
yes

karen says:
what??!! you eat walls for snacks?!! is that why youre so stick thin??? zzz

Jun Jie says:
i damn strong lor can do that haha

Jun Jie says:
err..

Jun Jie says:
malacca =)

Jun Jie says:
1500 more to spend~

karen says:
why are you so boooooooooooooooooooringggggg???

karen says:
youre hopeless lar you know?

Jun Jie says:
1500 how to spend at japan wor?

karen says:
*whispers* budak lala yang suka pergi jepun..

okay after that it just went out of control already. and now i'm officially sleepy therefore i shall bid you all good night~ :-*

Another Short Post

Q: What do you do when you have a webcam but hardly use it besides camming with the family?

A: Get an equally retarded friend who's as crazy about camwhoring and doing redundant things over the camera as you and is not worried about looking stoooooooopid!

Presenting... LEONARDEZ!!!

He looks like a total kiddo here after his haircut that I really had to take a picture of him ><

Our second attempt at acting cute but ended up with him being distracted by his pita
-_________-

p/s: I know that the pictures doesn't really do us much justice and the fact that it was taken with a camera is even lagi stupid. Was supposed to use printscreen but then the file will be too big for me to send it over to him and it wil take a million years to load. I wished I had taken the pictures of us being a terrorist and a ninja and a samurai and Siti Nurhaliza and Tina Toon but we were laughing our asses off that neither of us remembered to capture them. T_________________T

Rebellious IMs

Adui.. Just got back from the gym bout two hours ago and msn and my comp decided to gang up on me... again! -____________-

So within the duration of bout 10-15mins when my comp was starting up, I had this plastered on my face the whole time:

Posing for muka pek chek. Sorrylar.. takkan want me to put up my REALLY ugly pek chek face meh?

By the way, I came across this on YouTube and was blown away immediately!

p/s: I would've uploaded the video here but I'm a real noob when it comes to things like this so my apologies okay? *grins uncomfortably*

It's Contagious!

Am I still happy today you ask? YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

In fact, I'm so happy that I've been grinning along with Mr. Wilson the whole day long!

Pre-dawn Happiness

I think I just found a box of happiness. It just came in the mail today.

It's like being in love all over again. <3<3<3

I sound so gay don't I? HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Creative Pieces of the Distorted Mind

I've been having one of those days again. Those days where everything I do, everything I see, everything I pass, is barely noticed. It's like this daze feeling when in fact I'm just stuck in this muse which I can't get out off.

There were those days where I could just snap out of it and just move on with life. Then there are days like these where I just don't know what to do or where to go. Many times in the past years have I had my fair share of both being dissapointed and dissapointing. I hate to admit it but it seems that in the past 2 years, the latter has been more or less a stigma which goes along with the mention of my name.

I don't know which is worse; the thought of being extremely unproductive, or that I can't pull myself out of this. Why is it that whenever I think that this time it's going to be different, I never fail to prove myself wrong. Right now I wished that I could just huddle in a corner and cry my heart out like how I used to. Because then after the tears have dried, I could just move on with life. But now I just can't seem to do that anymore. Not only do I find it almost impossible to tear, but also to just brush off those thoughts and continue walking.

Everytime I turn to my right and stare at the list which I had done to remind myself of the worst that could happen, I only seem to find myself staring aimlessly at the white piece of sheet. These things which was once effective for me to get hold of myself seems to be drifting off further and faster. The harder I stare, the faster the black ink seems to be fading back into the white until all that is left is just the reflection of how out of hand I had allowed things to become.

I wished I could just kneel down, or fall back, or collapse even. Whatever it takes just to make me feel the urgency of all this that is happening. Right now, time is spinning so fast that I couldn't even catch a mere glimpse of the whirlwind I'm in. All I could see and feel is as if I'm in a vacumm. Just waiting till my physical being could no longer stand it and disperse into a million separate particles and be sucked into whatever that is surrounding this timeless space.

An hour had passed since I started this post. I was hoping that I could end this nicely. Maybe put it some optimistic lines to make myself feel better. Like how writing always makes me feel better. But somehow I can't seem to do that this time. How pathetic is it that I couldn't even fake a happy note to finish this up?

am i?

Went to class at 10am today. It was supposed to be a "two chaptered" lecture today. Which holds a lot of logic on why I actually dragged my ass there in the first place. Arrived 30 minutes later and turned out that the lecturer had just arrived as well. Oh well, blessing no.1 so just stay awake and attentive in class then. It's not everyday that you arrive half an hour late and the authoritive figure just stepped in as well. blablabla..

Anyways, before the mid of the class and I was already starting to get restless. "I've googled this topic anyway, so what exactly am i doing here? oh wait... parents' paid for me to be seen in class. okay.. listen karen listen!" Another 5minutes and I seriously felt like I was going to lose it already when kg walked in. There is a God! I seriously can't imagine how I could've survived this morning's class without him beside me! So after a while, Azmir asked if we needed a break, and some girl in front started shaking her head like she was in trance or something (wtf?!!! this woman must have never heard of the day liquor was invented!) so yeah i screamed YES!!! at the top of my lungs, okay maybe not screamed but more of a mental-screaming kind of situation. And FINALLY we got the break and i was talking abit with kg while leeyi went to get some breakfast. OH GOD!!!! i tell you! it's not funny when i say that this is what i need on days like these. it doesn's have to be serious intellectual shit. just talking with someone whom you know (or i would like to believe) is on the same line as you. wait. a cig break. before i pass out on the keyboard. brb.

okay im back. i just realized that im not using the proper punctuations. but wth. okay so here goes. we were talking bout some stuff and i was thinking to myself "i wanna return to this life! i want it so badly! why am i thinking bout what would others think about me? why am i doing this? why am i having this contemplative thoughts? why am i being paranoid within my head? why? why? why?"

i know that people are reading my blog. and i know that these people are those who knew me since the day i was a fat head prefect. yes! i was (actually still am, only with longer locks) fat and a head prefect. i seriously have no idea what am i rambling about or whatever and since its my blog then i shouldnt take a heed of their thoughts right? okay perhaps only when im tipsy. ah~ the beauty of getting wasted with no one at home. the wonderfullness of being alone for the whole effing weekend! btw, i first spelled weekend as weekind, then weekand before i got the thing correct and had the pleasure of informing the readers (if i might say that) with the moving of my right hand on the mouse and click on the italic button. see im telling you that now!

blablabla.. so yea, i talked to him and effa and got some personal mindfucks of whether to go or not to go (i sound like shakespeare now) and then went home in an effing cab which cost me rm15! ah~ the price of clearing of some mindfucks.

and then got home and typed a bit and then read a bit and then napped a bit. and here i am now with creep blaring on the speakers. and passing out once in a while on the type board. type board? okay maybe i'll call it type board now. if youre reading till here you might not want to continue since its gonna consist of mindless rambles.

hahaha.. i just had a thought. my homies are reading this! not exactly friends and not exactly acquantices (did i get that right?) but BAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! homies and acquantices! hahahaha.. i crack myself up at times!

i just heard the door slam. maybe someone is home. i have no idea what to write already and yet im still typing since it makes me feel so intellectual by the moment. hahahhahaa... am i funny? yes tell me i am when you see me in uni. wtf?

i signed it with the thought of writing something about how mindfucked uni has been but then i decided to gulp down some liquid before that and look what am i now? i dont think im gonna leave this in the "unposted" archive since ive already have tonnes of that in the waiting-to-be-edited-hence-unposted section so yea im just gonna post this up to remind me of the sweet taste of cold hard liquor. am i going to hell? maybe. im too tipsyfied (?) to bother. so if you wanna stay by my side then heres what you have to deal with when im mindfucked to bits. if not then kindly leave me stranded by the pool, seconds before i drown myself and then wake up a couple of hours later and find myself dead already. i need to go for another cig and then voluntarily pass out on my retro-sheeted bed. night and toodles people.

lots of love,
karen the ukelele playing bandit wtf?!!!

tata.

Desaria is the bomb y'all!!!

Selamat pagi tuan-tuan dan puan-puan sekalian. It's 10.58am so kira pagi lar still.

Alright. What happened today was, Cik Karen's bowel decided to go all operation diarrhoea on her and dengan itu, she was stuck clunching her blanket against her tummy for the whole day and having an expression of someone constipating plastered on her face dari pagi lagi. Does that make any sense? Seriously lar. For some reason, I've been feeling extra-stupified for the whole week already. Not exactly being depressed lar, but more of just plain demotivated and unproductive. And I'm seriously worried that this is gonna prolong sampai minggu depan, coz it's already Sunday and I'm feeling more and more like forrest gump as the minutes tick by. -___________-

Therefore, I've came up with this brilliant solution (at your expense!) to overcome this temporary retardo syndrome; which is to do EXTRA mindless things to counter this epidemic that is taking over my week. And also that I so malas to explain to people who has been asking stuff like "so how's your uni? how's the hostel? nice or not?" that kind of questions which NEVER fails to be prompted when you're stuck in a high school reunion kinda thing. I know it's a bit late lar since I've been here for bout two years already... but still at least ada juga in the end right? blablabla.. here's the pics lar.

1. Tempat ku beristirehat setelah sekian lama berburuh di universiti pada siang hari.

2. This is the chair/side table/bag-hanger/sweater-dumper/hand-rest (yes i have weird sleeping positions okay!)/first-thing-i-see-when-i-open-my-eyes-if-im-not-facing-the-wall which has been there by my side (technically) whenever i'm stuck here alone on the weekends. *chokes on tears*

3. Yang berikutnya adalah meja studiku yang aku-bersumpah-bahawa-persepahan-yang-kini-ditampak-tidak-dipentaskan-dengan-sengaja. Aku sememangnya telah bertaubat bagi semester ini untuk belajar dengan bersungguh-sungguh setiap hari... erm minggu.. erm... bulan?

4. Ini pula adalah koleksi cakera padatku yang sentiasa berada di sampingku untuk menemani dan kadang-kala mendodoikan malam-malam yang kian sunyi menyepi~

5. Seterusnya adalah si monyetku yang dicuri dari bilik abangku sebelum aku berpindah ke kuala lumpur. bukan sahaja untuk menemani malam piluku, namun juga untuk sentiasa memperingatkan statusku sebagai seorang pencuri monyet plastik.

Sambung later. Have some stuff to do right now.

selfish

im chatting with a friend on msn. and lashing out on him. hes going through a tough time and i dont seem to be helping much. im frustrated with the way hes doing things. im angry to see him sitting and complaining and doing nothing about it. i cant stand whiners.

what kind of a friend am i? here i am typing about it while hes at the other end confiding. i dont want to listen anymore. i honestly dont. its like the rotten flesh of my once freshly buried sins digging itself out from its grave. its reminding me too much of how i was once. i didnt see some fucking martyr coming to save me out of that ditch i was digging for my own premature burial!

it has stopped bleeping in its hideous orange shade. he might be sensing it as well. sensing my selfishness. sensing my anger. sensing the frustration. sensing all that ugliness emerging.

i hate it when things remind me of my past. i dont want to be reminded of those days when there wasnt anyone around to guide me when i was so lost.

sometimes when i thought i had passed all that and then something like this comes along, it forces me to look back at how far i had gone. or so i thought. everytime i come to dead ends like these, i feel like im being raped by my past. its like being pushed down on the ground and pulled by the hair to face something ugly. something that you dont want to see. no matter how hard you shut your eyes, theres a blinding light which keeps reminding you of the cold hard truth in front of those closed eyelids.

i havent learned anything at all. i have instead allowed what shouldve been taken as a lesson turn me into a selfish monster. maybe thats why i never got around to bury the hatchet.

This is Not Another Depressing Post

Current mood: Proportianately stable
Listening to : OAR - Hey Girl

I didn't want to choke the readers with the depressing posts which I so often blog about and since I'm since I'm mentally stable for the time being, here's some better stuff to kill your lazy afternoons or insomniac nights with lar.

Have been currently on the works of Henry David Thoreau's Walden; or Life in the Woods & On the Duty of Civil Disobedience everytime I get to steal some time in between all the assignments that have been pouring in for the past four weeks and a half. I'm still on the first chapter which talks about economics but so far, it's been nothing short of thought provoking.

It was written in the 19th century and everything that has been put down is beyond my suprise of how it is still being practised till this very day; of how people still get so caught up in the economy cycle that it has played a vital role in civilization of men.

The author is an American philosopher who left everything he had and went to live in the woods by Walden Pond for two years plus as an experiment to see if it is possible to start off with literary nothing at all. From the building of his own settlings to the growing of crops to feed himself, he potrayed how economy actually cripple the souls of men.

In the beginning it did come off as from someone who was a bit of an extremnist who was all out against economy, but as the pages go by, you can't help but to see the logic side of it. Yes, I do admit that before this, I used to think that economy SHOULD be seen as something important in nation building and all that; but what does it all lead to in the end? Doesn't religion tells us that earthly possesions only brings us so far? Does it not say that it's the thing that binds the souls of men from finding eternal peace. How is it that men could find comfort in a palace when they're bound to the thought of having to pay for this fine hole? Is comfort the true and main reason for the "migration" from a simple dirt hole to a larger and more luxurious one? Or is it for the tempting thought of ourselves being above the others? As he quotes Chapman,

"The false society of men -

- for earthly greatness

All heavenly comforts rarifies to air."

Or a simpler and yet still somewhat similiar quote by Will Smith,

"Too many people spend money

they haven't earned, to buy

things they don't want,

to impress people they don't like."

Reading this books and seeing the world around me these days just makes it more depressing. But still, it is one of the most thought provoking book I've read so far so this is definitely one recommended reading. If you're interested in reading this as well, just leave me a message and your email address and i'll send you the pdf file. =)

24,903 Reasons Why I Hate Tuesday's Slot for Moral Studies but Only One Matters:-

Funny how some people stubbornly chose to live in a fantasy in their head rather than to be realistic about life. I'm having the need to rant out my anger somewhere so please bear with me for the next 10 minutes.

I've met a fair share of people from diverse backgrounds and cultures for the past two years of living outside on my own. Somehow uptill now, I still could not understand how is it that they would actually chose to just daydream their youth away. I used to think that it was a form of escapade to RETREAT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE to this fantasy realm. But for these people, this is definitely a far cry from what their intention is. In fact what they do is just LIVE PERMANENTLY in their head. They absolutely LOVE talking about what you can only see in a stupid Taiwanese teen drama; poor but for SOME REASON has a very cosmetic surgery-cally constructed face girl who stands up against the boybandish looking tai zi (rich ass kid whos dad probably owns the whole of Taiwan) who then gets impressed with her guts and fall in love and a whole bunch of tsunamical disasters and drama you could possibly think of in front of them which forbids them from being together and the guy goes against all the family riches he would one day take over of and kneels in front of the girl's mud hut or papan house and for SOME REASON the weather decides to just rain a whole dam's worth of rain and for SOME REASON he doesn't die from pneumonia but instead escapes death with just a flu and pale lips and touches the girl's heart so much that they just hug each other in the middle of the friggin' road! and for SOME REASON they suddenly get to live happily ever after!

Maybe I should just change my Moral Studies class to Thursday instead of Tuesday where the whole room is filled with these people. Not only does it make me feel intellectually challenged, I'm also worried that I might come to class the next day wearing hentai-looking school uniforms and biting my lower lips the whole day with my eyes looking like puss-in-boots from Shrek!

Which is definitely something I should avoid at all costs for I would just end up looking like donkey's failed attempt. +__________+

At times like these...

At times like these, I could only hope that I could understand people better. But everytime I take a step down this path, it only makes me so sad to see things the way they are. At times I wished that I wouldn't be so affected by it... but still, I'm just human. I hate the bugging feeling I get everytime I tell myself that; that I'm just human. It's as if I'm giving myself an excuse to just close one eye whenever I see all that is happening around me.

At times like these, I wished that I could just put down all this earthly possesions and burdens and just move into a different phase. Where things are not too uglily depressing. Everytime I hear that song, it either soothes me up; like a warm caress, or just pull me into deeper into all the despicable things going on.

At times like these, I wished that there was a clear answer to all these things. Like a For Dummies kind of handbook or something; whereby you just have to go through the index to be told on how to handle situations like these.

At times like these, I wished I could choose between being lonely without friends, or being unhappy and surrounded with people who doesn't even care. If things were clearly painted in black and white, then I wouldn't have to be drowned in this pool of greyness. I'm not sure of whether to be glad or not that the housemates have all gone back this weekend. It's good in a way as it allows me to have time to think about the past week without having any disturbances; like a welcoming solitary time. At the same time, I know how destructive this given time slot could be as well.

At times like these, I wished I had just one person to sit down and talk to. As much as I hate to say it, talking to people who just couldn't understand a single thing you're saying is just the same as leading yourself down to the path of suicide. I've been through that before. It wasn't a pretty sight. But at times like these, I have to admit that it still tastes like a very sweet and caressing temptation.

This semester had been pretty good for me. Despite the usual people I hate to be around with, at least it hadn't gotten so bad that I just want to bail and repeat the mistakes I've committed in the past. This time around, it's easier to stay focused and I owe most of that to Gary. If it wasn't for him, I doubt that I would still be hanging to whatever is left to be held on to.

From time to time, I still catch glimpses of that ugly side of me struggling to be released. But with the thought of those who truly cared, I hope that I could someday overcome this once and for all.

On second thought, solitude isn't such an ugly thing after all.

My Starbucks Partner

Current mood: Blue
Listening to: Norah Jones - Don't Know Why

Tomorrow will mark the official "one-week" period of us being away from each other. Your absence finally sank in yesterday. Even more so when I went down to get an idd card. There was this funny, kiddish excitement I had; like waiting for a whole good 12 months till christmas came again. And then when I tried calling that stupid 1-800 number after following the instructions given, for some reason it couldn't be used on a Digi number. Either that or I'm just a blind duck when it comes to reading instructions. =/ I don't know why, but after the fourth and final attempt, there was this whole feeling of sadness seeping in.

It was even worst when I was getting frustrated over the phone when your Shayne Ward song came on mtv. I never was much of a fan of your music selection, but that song reminded me of that night (or morning?) we had in Pavillion; where we sang our lungs out till 3am and then made that stupid video on your mobile phone. Just the mere thought of it is more than enough to make me want to sink in to another bawl fest. =(

That night when you were damn emo at the hotel after my birthday, I was so mad at you for not being able to get over yourself. I said a million stuffs which must have made you want to knock me unconscious on the bathtub. I don't know how to put this into words. Pretty, sweet, fancy lil words which you want to hear. It's just not me. I guess that's why things got awkward as you were nearing to leave. It made me think about so much stuff all at once.

I thought it would be much easier to put this down in writing. Apparently it's just as tough. I don't know why. But seeing you leave felt like a huge... loss? It was more than losing just another Starbuck's kaki. It was like... losing a sister. It saddens me to see you going off as... you. You were so strong yet so weak at the same time. Us being apart from each other. You being there and not having anyone close to talk to. You being there and constantly questioning if you're ever going to be good enough; so easily baring yourself to everyones access. You being the same old you.

I hope you're able to cope well with life there. I wish we had gotten closer way back in high school. I wish we had spent more time together. I wish we didn't waste so much of our time in Starbucks complaining about life. I wish I had been an even better friend when you were so much closer.

I miss you. =(

Words

Funny how things work in life.

Sometimes I feel that words can express how you truly feel, at the same time it could also cover up the person you really are. It's funny how people are so gullible when it comes to words. Perhaps Shakespeare was never really the greatest poet, but the greatest manipulator instead. The way he tricked people from centuries back, even till now, into feeling what he wants them to feel. Every single word is so beautifully formed and arranged that we just couldn't help but fall hard and deep for it.

It may sound irrelavant but still... I think it's funny how things work in life.

Dark Nights

The cpu is making this whirring sound non-stop. Even the seemingly muffled noise was more than enough to break the silence of the dining room. I could hardly remember how annoyed I used to get with it. Somethings have been so long since we had last done it that every little thing could surprisingly seem like a whole new fresh memory ready to be imbedded in; all over again. Just like yesterday.

It has been quite a while since I could remember the taste of bitterness mixed with a tinge of a lemon's sourness. It's like rubbing salt on wounds. It doesn't matter how long it has been. As long as it hasn't healed well, it still exposes itself to chances of being infected; all over again.

It was sometime around three something when it took place. I remember being in the dark room hearing Katrina's alarm clock going off when the buzz came in. It was already 4am. It was so surreal and there was just no way to stop the overwhelming take over of any sanity left.

I screamed so hard that I woke up with a terrible sore throat and voice which resembled something of Macy Gray's. I cried so hard that I could've easily lost all the water weight I had ever gained. I sang so loud that I could easily drown the morning prayers from the nearby mosque. And worst of all, I poured out so much internal confusion to Dad that it made him listen with no sarcastic comebacks for the first time.

It was an awkward moment. It build up tension that had been long gone along the tired ride home. Home. I miss that. I may be already here for a while, but I still missed what we used to have. Maybe not everything. Not how I used to see Dad the same way when I was still a child. Not how I used to see his path to destruction brought so much pain to Mom. Not how I used to stay awake till Korkor returned from outside after everyone had slept from so much tears so that he did not have to face any of it. Not how I thought I had to protect Katrina when in fact she was still too young to understand a single thing. Not how I saw everything as something I swore myself against.

Now the further I go, the more I see myself like my Dad.

The further I go, the more I realize how big the hole i had dug since a child had already become.

The further I go, the more I realize the amount of things I've already lost grasp of.

The further I go, the more I realize that I'm actually still at the same position I was when standing outside my parents bedroom door.

This post doesn't need a title

Current mood: Comfortably numb
Listening to: Billy Joel - Vienna

4.27pm right now. Just woke up about an hour ago after receiving Shiau Wen's text message. My nose is running like a leaky faucet. It's a killer. So it's going to be really nice if the unseen powers from above could help me make sense right now because everything seems to be a huge mass of blurness at the mo.

Anyways, went out with a friend today for National Treasure 2. The movie was pretty good actually. But it wasn't the movie which got me thinking till now. It was actually this friend.

It was the first time meeting up so I kind of had a rough image of what to expect based on the past chatting sessions and all that. So it turned out to be quite a surprise that he was a lot quieter than i expected. Ironic to say that it was the littlest things that he said that really made me think. It was scary at the same time coz it was like a Hall of Mirrors kind of situation; every angles you turn you see yourself, but can't tell the difference between the reflections staring back at you from the way out, and the only way to get out of there was either to feel your way through with trial and errors or simply by looking hard till you can tell which is which. I seriously felt that way. And no it wasn't funny. Not even the slightest bit.

It brought me back for a reality check after such a long time. It ignited feelings and emotions which I had long detached myself from and conveniently avoided for the past year.

Things were so much clearer back then. I knew exactly what I wanted and how to work my way through it. These days aren't so similiar anymore. I used to bring out the alter ego in me whenever I was faced with situations which I did't find comfortable in. It was like an easy way out as it helped me not take that certain uneasy feeling personally. Whatever happens there stays there.

Today he made me realize that I've used this escapade one too many times that it's beginning to cover up my true self. Like a leech sucking bit by bit till it's completly dried out and all is left would be the ugly scars of your mistakes. It was like Dr. Jekyll being stuck as Mr. Hyde, like a potion gone wrong. I do admit that it was like an alarming wake up call in the head. These days I'm hardly myself anymore. It reminded me of that session we had in Starbucks the night before. Is my action of doing so reflecting my overly self-protective manner and overtly need to please?

I remember back then when people used to think that i was a stuck-up prick who thought highly of myself and label them as the "below my standard" just because I don't talk much. I never took that personally. Not because it was true. But i found it a waste of time to explain myself to every tom, dick and harry. It didn't bother me much back then.

Then when I started getting worst comments after I started out college. It then gave me this idea of switching to and fro from myself to my alter ego. It made things so much easier to bear. Everyone was happy and I could still keep "myself" away and not a give a fart. It was like a playing-along-with-your-stupidity-just-to-shut-you-up kind of situation. And I guess I did lose myself somewhere down that road.

So talking to this dude today actually made me miss that feeling of simply just being myself. Funny how life works. The most random people can come around out of the blue and say something so casual and it could affect someone so greatly. This life really never ceases to amaze me.

Koffee with Karen

I'm beginning to dread the days as it draws closer. It is something which is supposed to be bringing everyone closer, but it's obvious how that had never happened before. I'm saying this based on the past. Never happens. Instead, everything that is predicted never fails to take place.

I can't type in proper. Maybe it's the music that's blasting into both my ears that's unable-ing me to give a coherent sentence. Still I can't bring myself to remove the earphones. Taking them off would mean hearing what's on tv instead. I'm not in the mood for that.

Most of last night was spent at the balcony. The light from the tv was illuminating the living room, giving it this eerily comforting glow. Just then my eyes caught sight of the messily stacked books on the wooden coffee table. It reminded me of those days where we would go together to warehouse sales and score rows after rows of cheaply priced books. You hated it when I complained after the first few minutes of dusty paperbacks, but then give me that sympathetic and yet slightly amused look when you see my nose turning beet-red from all that sneezing. That still didn't stop me from rummaging through all those boxes of Sweet Valley Senior Year to complete my collection. What can I say? I was only 15 back then so it was hardly juvenille. =/

I've wondered off so deep into the nostalgic days that I couldn't remember what was I supposed to write. Another day then.

Hush, my little child

Today i woke up from a dream where I was with Clint Eastwood. Not his wife. He already had one. The kind of stage wives you see from tinseltown. I was like his daughter/secret lover kinda person. Don't ask me how. It was a dream and you feel like you're invinsible in them. Most of the time.

Every evening after he was done with his shooting, he drives me up to this reservoir; kinda like the one in that 70's show, and he will teach me philosophical stuff while we cuddle around. There always was buffalo soldier playing faintly in the background. It was comforting to be held close near his chest while I queitly counted the beats of his heart; it was like the bass of a good song. The kind where albeit the fact that it's just a monotonous, standard beat, but you secretly replace it with a music rhythm of a familiar song in your own head and smile to your own amusement.

He was telling me about how he used to get pushed around in the set of futurama where he was actually zoid bobblehead, and of how he had passed those phases and is now his own man.

This was one of those dreams where I really didn't want to wake up and forced myself to fall asleep again, hoping hard that I could continue where I left off. I could not do it.

Till now as I'm mindlessly tapping my untrimmed-fingernailed fingers on the keyboard, I can't erase his signature look from my head.

What's the point of this story you ask? I'm not sure myself either. I just wanted to preserve that dream in writing I guess.

I left my windows open last night; curtains drawn and all. Right now desaria seems like a really peaceful escape. With the basketball court being slightly stained from last nights rain. I can see a couple of bostwanians walking at the perimetre of the court; with that trademark walk-with-the-slight-limp-of-yo-ing of theirs.

Sometimes I wish I could just take a second of my life to just sit back and just live in the moment; moments where everyday scenes of these take place and just enjoy it for what it is. Right now, the price to enjoy lifes little pleasures just don't come cheap no more.

How about dinner tonight?

There are some things which you think you're missing and there are things which you never knew you were missing until it just strikes in at the most unexpected of times; something old and familiar, like an old blanket which used to warm you up on cold august nights when the monsoon rain is pouring outside the window.

It was just like any other Saturday 3am mornings; where I would be washing my face and getting ready for bed after the usual movie marathon. Just as I was there drying my freshly washed face on a towel, I caught a glimpse of her toothbrush. Suddenly there was this immense feeling of lost times. It reminded me of those days where I used to sleep in the bedroom instead of falling asleep on the brown curdorouy three-seater sofa with spongebob's signature laugh at the background. It was the mornings being waken up by the buzz-whirring of her electric toothbrush. Where she would allow me to sleep for another half an hour till she's done with the bathroom; then if I still cover my head with the abstract-looking comforter, she'll shake her wet comb near my face and tells me that he's on his way over to pick us up for breakfast. Those were the days which haven't happened much anymore, or not at all. Those are the days which we all have conviniently tucked to the back of our heads, and heart.

These days, it's mostly about being both emotionally and physically exhausted. So much so that not even the memories of those happy moments could repair; like the time you used to pull me in the little red wagon at the fruit orchard in canada, where I was wearing that sunflower print dress. Perhaps the damage done had been so severe that both parties are at the edge of breaking down, or worse, just letting things happen and not wanting to invest anymore feelings into it.

How could a relationship of more than two decades slowly wither and be at the brink of dying just like that? Did those memories mean nothing at all? Is it really better for both parties to just let go and go back to their own paths? Is this where the ride stops? What was going on in your mind when we were all having dinner?

Would you try to save it or would you just let it be? I want to know what do you think.

Tie up those shoelaces and keep walking.

Life is like a good movie; where the plots are always filled with unexpected twists and turns. Sometimes they turn out fine, at times it stretches you to the point of breaking down. I experienced that yesterday.

I haven't experienced that kind of rage for such a long time already. It scared me. Yes, sometimes I do scare myself as well. I consider myself quite a sensible and tolerant person, but i guess it was the thought of unfinished business which kept me awake at night. Shit happens, but we move on.

Called dad after i threw my phone away after the heated argument. Never have I felt so much of both dissapointment and anger at the same time. As usual, there wasn't much advice or consoling words; just lots of sensible talk. That's dad.

He's not the type to feed you with soft spoken words. But that's good in a way. He's the one who's always there to tell me to hold my head up high no matter what happens. Never to show my weakness to the enemies. Let them guess what's your next move. Never be predictable. Because the moment you let it show, that's when you've lost the battle.

It isn't about who wins. It's about protecting yourself. Whichever road it is that you've chosen, never look back. Just stick to it. You always have to stay strong to the saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me". It's not easy and it never will be; it's all just a matter of practise and getting yourself used to it till it can never hurt you anymore.

"...finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin in serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense..." -emerson-

Unsent Letter

Long have I contemplated whether or not to write this. Since I found it almost impossible to do this face to face, perhaps it would be best to just leave this to typing.

Things have indeed been strange between us. You might've realized it, but I understand if you didn't. I don't know. Being your friend has taught me to not expect much from you for it always leads to dissapointment and despair.

I'm not the type who is good at explaining myself, even more so when I don't find that it would have much affect. Especially on a person like you. Everything seems to have the need of a medium now. It's just impossible to make myself talk to you anymore. I don't find it necessary to have a middle man actually, but somehow the one who cared just didn't find it comfortable with how things are going on and so was indirectly put in this situation.

I used to think that you've changed much, but after much thought, realized that perhaps I was wrong. Maybe this IS the real you. Not giving much thought about things that you find unimportant. So I decided that perhaps all these while I was looking for something that never actually existed. I was probably too caught up in my own world that I just didn't see this coming, when in fact it had already been there from the very beginning.

There had been so much self-inflicted pain and dissapointment that I finally decided that enough is enough. I would understand if you put me off as being selfish and all that. Fact is that I've managed to slowly get over the worrying of you thinking of me as that. It doesn't really matter much to me anymore at this point.

Perhaps we'll look back at this when we're 85 and laugh about how silly this was. But for some reason, I'm much more comfortable being where we are now. Hardly acknowledging you is much easier than to be your friend. For when we're close, I just can't help not expecting you to act like a friend; or at least how I think a friend should behave. Being thoughtful and considerate at times was all I asked for. Maybe even that was asking for too much.

I think that's all I have to say. I expected this to be longer, but when I started typing away, I was somehow lost for words. It seems that there's nothing more to be said. You can say that I lost in this battle, for being the first to back out; or rephrase it whichever way, if it makes you feel better about yourself.

Take care.

Type and Run

Was just thinking about going for a drink the other day but ended up staying at home talking to sakai. That's the new nickname of housemate after playing M.I.A. for the past two weeks, and when he came back on sunday.. total sakai. Apparently he's finally found the love of his life in Cheras aka Clement's indo maid.

We were just minding our own business when suddenly he kept going on this "Yati" mantra. -___- damn annoying.

Anyways, these past two months had been pretty mind boggling. Learned so much about life and myself in such a short period of time. This life never ceases to amaze me.

Retardo Paradiso

Have started the new semester for about 3 weeks already and everything seems to be going on pretty well. I'm learning to be more optimistic about everything that people around me are finding me so annoying and you have no idea how much I appreciate their patience with my.. uhmm.. preppiness? Okay. Perhaps it's not that scary, but still...

Anyways, taking up both journalism and ftv as majors are lets say... pretty enticing? I don't know. My vocab is so bad now that I deserve to be shot by Kipling himself.

Pretty hectic schedule for this sem since work has to be submitted on time and the datelines are all so close to each other.

For some reason I have the feeling that I'm getting more boring when it comes to words this time. Or perhaps I've always been this way that this is just the lowest moment of this whole boring swindrelome. Is that even a word? I don't know anymore.



Blah. Kinda having the whole blocked brains thing going on. So here's some pics to do justice (or not) to wrap up the stuff that we (housemates and moi) had done during the most boring and retarded of times.

Beautiful Lies

Sometimes in life, you think you're going on just fine; walking on the path and off at times, but still you know that everything will go just fine. Not worrying too much and not allowing things to get in your way.

But sometimes if you were to sit down and think about it, is it really working? Maybe for a month or two, but are you just avoiding it or is it really gone?

Every once in a while, I breakdown for a while but then I'll pick myself up and carry on. Telling myself that whatever that does not kill me only makes me stronger. Recently I've been wondering to myself how long will I be able to withstand this?

This coming semester is pretty good; new place, new room to not allow myself to fall into another dwindlum of depression, and it seemed to be working on just fine. But sometimes I feel that I'm speaking too soon, because just when you least expect it then that's when it'll come.

I really have no idea how did I cope up with it. At times when I look back, it feels like all I've done is move away from whatever that will bring myself down. It works for a while. But for how long?

After a while, you feel as if you're just lying to yourself. Telling yourself a lie so that you won't get hurt. At least not so badly. But when you look back, you'll realize that it's all still there. So what do you do? You can't keep running away. Neither can you not look back because these are the things that makes us human.

If only my heart was made of steel.

Of The Pretenders and Cover Versions.

Was going through a collection of classic rock when I came across The Pretenders. Memories of those days where I used to idolize people like Chrissy Hynde came flooding back. She was like the epitome of a female rocker; not the exhibitionist type but you know that she's a rocker at heart.

There was one song that shows that even classic rock are capable of coming up with one of the most romantic love songs which makes you go "awww..." and have those heart wrenching moments like what you get after watching Allie and Noah in The Notebook. I'll Stand by You was one of those songs that you can't deny that immense feeling of despair and heart-ache when you listen to it. The best part is that you don't have to psychoanalyse the lyrics to get it.

It's sad to know that they just don't make songs like they used to anymore. All this bubblegum pop and songs of fake angst are just plain annoying. It gets pretty frustrating after a while when you get thrown into this heap of thrash one too many times. Case in point? An all-girl group, Girls Aloud, who did a cover version of this song and what do you end up with? A bunch of squeeky, rodent-like mannequins who look like they are more interested in selling their looks and bodies than to deliver the message of the song. I don't have anything against them, but can't they just stick to whatever songs they're into and lay off the classics? Dammit! Just thinking about their video is seriously pissing me off! I mean, you're laughing around with your tight-knit of friends and playing with each others hair while singing about how you'll stand by your partner no matter what. WTF?!! Maybe I'm being a tad too sensitive, but whatever. It still looks like an effing disgrace to the original version.

What happened to those days where music used to be an expressive outlet of something real? You might argue that these days, songs like that don't pay the bills no more. Mind you that I'm very much aware of that as well, that's why it's a sad case. It kind of puts music lovers into a temporary despair mode of some kind.

I'm actually still listening to that song while typing, and yeah it's actually putting me into a very depressed mood. Dammit!

It's all good while it lasted

Am I being difficult?

I don't know really. Perhaps I am. But somehow it just seems thoughtless to treat a friend in such a way as well. I was contemplating whether or not to just let it all go and don't take it personally but somehow I just couldn't. Not this time. I don't want to fret about what happened. After all, it is in the past. I guess I'm just human and I cared too much to allow this to just pass like that. So sue me.

Somehow I just can't help feeling dissapointed. Maybe I was still looking for the friend which I thought was once there, and in a way still waiting for him to appear again. Is that person really still in there? Despite the clear signs, i still have that confusing feeling of uncertainty seeping in through all the tiny loop holes which I had created. You once did admit that you stopped caring after you knew that you had your other half. Maybe I am now in that category as well; the-once-a-friend group.

It's just difficult for me to go on being a supportive friend. Should I just quit or should I go on in this road which is leading to nothingness? At this point, I really don't know. This is after all, not the first time I'm experiencing this. It has happened one too many times. Love does indeed makes people selfish. Want to or not, you had a choice; but yes, I was very dissapointed indeed as a friend, that you chose otherwise.

I had gone through this and I should only know too well how to handle it, for I did survive everytime it happens. So what was it again the step which I took? Should I just follow the old remedy? Which was to just stop caring so much, for it only hurts worse when you cared too much; and just allow time to heal everything. But the thing which is causing me to be on fences is that I'm not sure if I want things to result the same as it had with the others? Whereby I just stopped caring and only listen whenever they needed someone to talk to. Being nothing but a listener, and stop investing anymore feelings. The thing is that once it has taken place, it's hard for me to reverse the effects then.

Am I being selfish? I really don't want to think about it. There's enough things in life to worry about and this is just not one of them which should be on the list. Afterall, I'm just doing what's best for myself at this moment; just like what you're doing. So it's all fair. Everyone's just protecting their own interest. Perhaps that's it. There's nothing left to be said and done.

Remember the game of hop-scotch?
The game we used to play together?
At the playground where our mom's watched out while talking to each other.

You once told me,
"I want to play with you forever;
because you are the most challenging player!"

From May up till September,
Our challengers were always each other;
It felt like it could all go on like that forever.

Then around came October,
We all met Bobby, who also came with his mother;
And who knew, who turned out to be an even better hop-scotcher.

After that you stopped dialing my number,
At the playground i'll just watch from a corner;
Playing from four to five with Bobby, the mvp hop-scotcher.

Then on the 7th of November,
You invited me to play with you, I remember;
The day when Bobby had to stay at home from a sprained shoulder.

You then ignored me for the whole month of December,
And played again in January with each other;
When Bobby went to the finals with his team from the little league of rounders.

Mom said that you now have a new friend,
She said I should get mine as well;
I'm not so sure, I just don't feel like playing at the playground any longer.

I can't stop rhyming. Now I know I've completely lost it.

Of the boy who says monyet sotong belacan

There's always something stupidly fun about talking to Rave on the phone. He's this retarded person who uses the most abstract words and the way he combines his phrases always end up coming out a totally different meaning from what he's actually trying to convey.

Another annoying thing that he enjoys doing while on the phone which never fails to make me want to bash up his skull is this; singing at the other end as if I was non-existant. -____-"

Despite all said and done, I still heart my chunky monkey! *looks around* mainly for his mental retardation.. which is like 98% of the time.

Welcome. Kindly leave your heart and all personal emotions in somewhere disposable. Thank you and enjoy the show.

People can mask their true-self so well that it's scary. There's so much fakeness going around that I seriously have no idea who to trust anymore. At one moment they can put up an incredible show; carnival to cotton candies. When they've gotten more than enough audience for their show, you'll just be discarded as another one of those one-time visitors. Is this how life would be? Where everyone is just treated like the last. I'm beginning to feel numb towards all these ushers; right from their pork-pie hat and red vest to their painted grins.

Perhaps this whole life is just a stage for a never-ending play. Everything is just a show and everyone is an actor in this eternal production. Everything is scripted and that's how it will go on. Nothing should be taken personally since it's all just showbiz. Perhaps it's time I joined this play. I'm sick of being the audience. I want to be on the stage to crush the emotions of new audiences as well, just like the way my emotions were being played around by their superb acting whilst watching this whole play. Can I? There's always an opening for actors/actresses. Perhaps I should just give it a shot. Perhaps I should put the ambulance on speed dial.

This post has got nothing to do with Gerard Darrel or Harvey Nichols

Remember those days where all we had to worry about was which pair of shoes should go with which pants or shirt so that we don't go to our tuition place looking like a fashion disaster who got kicked out of clown college?

Actually I never really had those days since I was the one who could stand going to extra classes with the same hoodie for 2 weeks in a row. I was one of those who didn't give nuts about what people saw me as. No, I wouldn't say that I was proud of those days, but at the same time I just couldn't care less to actually bother about it. Wait a minute. What was I suppose to write about? Why am I blabbering about my fashion disaster days? Perhaps one of the reason is that it's 1.15am and I'm still very much awake. Was it the excessively-sweetened kopi peng from downstairs? Or is it the fact that I'm very much in conflict with my own conscience and emotions at the current moment? I'm currently surrounded with crap coming from every possible direction. Maybe it's not actually THAT bad, but it sure feels that way right now. Good thing that I'm coping with it better than I expected. After what happened two weeks ago, I realized that there are a lot of things which I'm actually capable of dealing with on my own. So I guess that's pretty good.

For some reason, I can't seem to fill the pages with happy thoughts these days. Maybe I'm just another boring person who loses herself in her own thoughts most of the time. I just can't seem to kick of the mentality of taking my room as a permanent sanctuary; with my records and a pen and a book, that's all I really need to help me go through the days. It's bad for the soul, to contain myself in a glass jar and shut the whole world off, and depressing songs playing non-stop on the player isn't exactly helping either. But it's so addictive at the same time. It's a jar which I want to lock myself in for as long as I can. I don't really give a shit about what's happening on the outside. People sicken me a lot these days. Perhaps it's a two-way situation, whereby people around me find me sickening as well. Like I give nuts about what they think about me. I really have to pull myself out of this situation before I die from depression.

I've gone out of this comfort zone many a times, but after a couple of weeks or months even, I'll find myself going back into the jar. It's just like diving underwater for a period, then you start struggling and gather up all your strength to quickly swim back to the surface to catch a breath. It's that feeling of gasping for air; where it squeezes all the air out of your already infected lungs.

I just want to listen to all the songs on my music list till I fall asleep and wake up three days later. Now all I need is a pair of big ass earphones which blocks out every single sound from outside.

Is this thing on?

Dear Chunky Monkey,

It's been a while since we last talked. Somehow it just feels different now. I don't know why. Perhaps it's from all the stresses and pressures that we're both going through. I'm doing my best to cope up with it. How about you?

I hope that you're able to keep your head up even at the midst of all this stuff that's taking place. I don't know how tough it is to be in your position but I believe that you'll come out a stronger person. You're a lot tougher than you think you are. You're always worrying that you're not able to make the wisest choices all the time, but if you're already doing your best, then that's all that matters. Don't be too hard on yourself. All those self-inflicted pain is only causing destruction to yourself; both mentally and physically. There are some things which you just have to learn to let go. Even you've said it yourself that not everyone has the ability to change another person. You're not a saint, and no one's expecting you to be either. The only thing that matters is that you're doing your best.

Sometimes you have to remind yourself that we are all just human. We can't expect too much from others. Life would be full of dissapointments if we kept up with that attitude. It's always important to appreciate and cherish the little things in life. It's always easy to lose track of the important things in life when we focus too much on visualizing the world the way we want it to be. That's when we start straying off from the real world.

Always remember that God always promises us a rainbow after a storm. It might sound cheesy and all that cynical descriptions which you might come up with after reading that line, but it's true. And sometimes as humans, we do need a little motivation and hope to keep us moving forward. Just remember that that's His promise to us.

There's a million things which I want to say to you but I just can't bring myself to do it, at least not at the current moment. I might not be the best at saying this kind of stuff, but I just wanted you to know that no matter what happens, we're always here for you; because that's what friends are for. Take care. :]

Benchwarmers

So much had happened in the last two weeks that even I myself found it hard to believe that THAT was all in less than fourteen days.

Sad to say that not all of them were of good news. Almost all of them were bad news actually. I must be running out of luck these days. So that means better luck is just around the corner right? Hehehehe..*fingers and toes and everything crossable crossed*

Anyways, I was just flipping through last November's copy of teenvogue (the one with Kirsten Dunst on the coverpage) and it kinda reminded me of one line in Elizabethtown; "we are the substitute people". Then the mind started wondering...

Perhaps there is a lot of truth in that line. We are all substitutes of another person in a way, and the other person is a substitute to another person, and so on and so forth. So what are we doing about it? Just watching it happen and let it spiral down into doomness? Maybe we are the voluntarily substituted people of our times. We complain when it gets too much, but then we just go on our duty of being another person's substitute of his/her other more important, but unfortunately-absent-for-the-time-being person.

So the question is that WHY do we allow ourselves to be the substitute people? Out of pure sick fun which we get from being mentally tortured? Or is it that we'd rather be the substitutes than to be nothing at all? Regardless of us being aware of the fact that this whole benchwarming routine is never gonna get us anywhere.

Then the other thing that happened for almost two weeks already is this... *drumroll* ... I've quitted smoking for 11 days already!!! Muahahaha.. Perhaps it's not such a big thing to shout about, but it is an accomplishment for now, especially at this time where every little thing matters more than ever. Was sick like a dog for the whole week and the whole quitting couldn't have came at a worst time. I was coughing my lungs out every single day, but thank God I managed to go through that phase and came out alive, and with no cigarette in hand! Hehehehe..

People think that I'm not aware of all these dangers that I'm exposing myself to, but come on. I'm only human. Of course I know what I'm putting into my body, I'm not an ignorant person, just that I made a stupid choice and that's it. At least I know what I'm doing now, and if you're going to support me to go further to stay clean then thank you. It really means the world to me. But if you're going to preach about how stupid I was and all that, then kindly show yourself to the back door. I've known my mistakes and I'm now moving on, so after this whole rough week, nagging just for the sake of proving to me further of how stupid I was and also to show me your extensive knowledge on the dangers of nicotine is the last thing I need right now.

I guess all these idiocricy only makes us another human on this globe which was once nothing but a spec of dust.

Salvation Army

Nearly finished a pack of cigs in 3 hours...
There's only three left...
I'm gonna bathe now and then finish up the rest when I'm done...
I need a new inhaler...
Do they sell used inhalers in Salvation Army?

Bury me

So exhausted...

Physically and emotionally..

The attack of the lard ass

Slept at 9am and woke up around 11am. I was kinda contemplating whether to take the 12pm bus to college and just wait in the library till 2pm before I see my lecturer, or to take the 2pm bus and hopefully get there by 2.10pm max.

I've always had hard times trying to drag my lard ass out of bed, especially with all the sleep deprivation I'm putting myself through. So yeah, I ended up going back to bed but my guilt kept me awake every 10-15mins. So no, it wasn't a good sleep.

Finally managed to pull myself up at 1.15pm and I'm now multitasking; blow-drying my hair and typing. And it's already 1.45pm...

... and now it's officially... 1.55pm!!!

Gotta run!!!

Being cherries. I mean, cheery.

I just realized that I haven't posted much on the usual normal stuff which I used to blog about. This whole blogspot is like a depression hole! *shivers*

Rave was just saying earlier that the whole black background gives the impression of a dark and morbid atmosphere. Perhaps that was my intention. Or else why did you think I chose this template? Because I was going for the gothic look? Pfftt please... *rolls eyes*

Anyways, I was drowning myself in this whole emotional thing for weeks already and it IS killing me inside. I need more happy people dancing around in tutus and brightly coloured leotards to surround with to over-shadow this whole morbid feeling I'm carrying around. Reminds me of the faceless shadow in "Spirited Away".

There's so much that I want to write about but too bad my camera's not here with me at the moment, and it's no fun when there's no pictures to show. *pouts* Okay.. I was just being silly back there. Don't get a heart attack because I can assure you that I don't pout in real-life... unless I know you very well and I'm trying to annoy the shit out of you.

Actually it was all thanks to *cough Rave cough* that I was reminded about our little weekend getaway to Cameron Highlands last Friday. It was some serious fun we had there. Just the three of us. Kenny, Rave and yours truly. :]

Dang! I really want to write about it right now... but I guess it'll be better to do it when I get back my camera on Monday. Have patience~ Patience~ Patience~ Omm~

Dissimulate

Cylinder
Beautiful cylinder
Idiotic
In so many
too many ways
But still
It's beauty
carefully sculptured
Retained deep within
So deep
In my delirious mind

Once
Twice
It keeps me sane
From
Commas
Dashes
Periods
Jumbled letters
From
People
Feelings
Emotions
Delusions
Slowly vanishing
So slowly
Beautifully crafted
Into swirls and circles

Like a goddess
Bringing out
the best
the worst
Still...
providing
Sanity
Solitude
Even if
Like driving
So fast
So grievious
Almost (but still not so)
Life-threatening

Blue Skies and Broken Hearts

I smile
with pure happiness
when the bird sings
when the grass is green
And when I turn around
When you look at me <3

xoxo 19/98

*crumples*

Turtledoves
Mistletoes
Twelve months
of patient waitings
All of that for just
one day
Was it worth it?

Prams and cribs
Nurseries
and teddies
Nine months
of painful waitings
All of that for just
one day
Was it worth it?

Tears
Laughters
Night skies
and unruffled sheets
Lost count
of silent waitings
All of that for just
one day (to come?)
Is it worth it?

Unspoken

Just finished reading a friend's post and it actually made me think back of the times when I didn't sound out what I thought should've been voiced out. Perhaps the word "should" is not exactly the most appropriate one to be used, but then again maybe it is.

I've always been the type who cares about people's emotions; maybe not successfully at all times but I do try not to be offensive. Sometimes up to the point that it annoys "me". But I guess it's just me; old habits die hard.

Everyone builds their own ways of going through life based on their own principles. Some are the type who thinks that they can selflessly allow themselves to be hated as long as the people they care about will change for the better. For me, I will sound out if I think it isn't right, but if the person still refuses to change then I won't be the one to be reminding at all times; but I will be there to be on the lookout with a first aid kit so that if the person were to fall and bleed too much to the verge of dying then only I shall help him up. In short, I will allow the person whom I care to run around, fall and hurt himself, and if possible try to find his own first aid kit, but I won't allow to see him bleed to death.

Anyways, there's this friend of mine who does give me the impression of being a little too straight-forward sometimes; the type who wouldn't bend much (or at all) for the sake of simpatico. I have tried sounding it out but the reply given wasn't exactly what I had in mind, at least not from a person like this. So I guess I more or less just left it at there then, as I didn't feel that by reminding people of their wrong-doings at all times was the most comfortable way of handling things for both parties. Sometimes it's necessary for someone to learn things on their own; build themselves up in a way no one else could.

Now when I look back, perhaps it wasn't exactly the best way of being a friend by not sounding out at that time. But then again, my intentions weren't of evil ones and the conscience was clear and the outcome was exactly of what I was hoping for. So yeah, it does makes me feel pretty darn good in a way. At least to know that what I did at that time which seemed to look selfish, even to myself, was not exactly the worst thing in fact. I guess sometimes we just have to believe and have patience and never to lose hope. It wasn't easy, especially when the whole guilty conscience comes up trying to bug me from time to time, but I was lucky to be able to overcome that feeling.

Gardens and Mazes

Sometimes I can feel myself spiralling down so fast that I couldn't even grab on something for support. I don't expect sympathy from others; neither do I want any. All I'm hoping for is some empathy and time for self-recovery. If only things were that simple then perhaps all those long forgotten pictures would've been taken down; instead of being left on the walls to be covered with thin layers of dusts.

They are some which can be revealed while others are just meant to be stored in old chests. Photographic memories could be so painful sometimes. They make you feel like a pool being pimpled by rain drops; the ripples causing a shaky effect which traumatises the being.

Going to college still gives me the feeling of rolling into a new town at times; unsettling and awkwardly silent. Maybe this is the time to see a shrink to get some much needed help.

A good pair of chucks and a friend

I just got off the phone with my friend after a three hours conversation which started from 3am. I miss talking to her. I miss having her around. I miss her retardness. I miss making fun of her. I miss those days we spent in Cameron Highlands and the meal of healthy steamboat with the rest of our friends.

I can't believe how much I miss having my high school friends around. We've all gone down our own paths but still there's always something unmistakably familiar about each one of us everytime we talk again. It's like this pair of shoes which you just can't seem to throw away no matter how old and torn it is. There's always a funny kind of comfort in those pair of shoes.

Sometimes friends are really like shoes. They all look pretty on the outside when it's all still brand new and unworn. It takes a little while from wearing them then only you can tell the ones which hurts from the ones which are comfortable. And you'll be surprised how far you can go with the comfy ones. Another similarity between friends and shoes is that it's not everyday where you come across a perfect fitted one.

Of the A-B-C's of a Procrastinator and Blogging

Like any usual Sundays, I was in this holiday/weirdly-worrying-for-no-apparent-reason mood. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. Fridays are the best; then Saturday will be the day where the line "Ahh.. It's only Saturday so I still have tonight to start with my work (which for some reason never happens)"; Then it's "Ahh.. I'll just sleep and do my work tomorrow for it's only Sunday". And when Sunday rolls in, you'll just keep pushing it away until it's FINALLY Sunday night! THEN only you'll start panicking and all that mindfucks you get on Sunday's but STILL end up managing to live through it and only start the work on the ghostly hours of Monday.

Dad is always saying that THAT is what's leading to my failure. Spoken like a true Papa.

Anyways, I was talking to a friend recently about this whole blogging frenzy and the whole weeks conversation had consisted of nothing which doesn't involve the "B" word which also includes of hearing them contemplating about what to blog on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I find it annoying when people do that, it's just that it's funny to see why do some take blogging as a serious daily affair; like the bible to a staunch one. Yes, although I do admit that I am one of those who would ponder for hours on the grammar part alone of a piece of writing; where a semi-colon or a comma will take me hours to decide just to make sure that it will set the whole piece in the perfect ambiance, to the point of annoying the crap out of others. It's just that this whole blogging scene has somehow given people the idea of wanting to sell their philosophies through their writing, more than the purpose of sharing thoughts through conversation-triggering pieces.

Perhaps that's one of the reasons why sometimes I would rather much prefer to keep quiet and just listen to what is been said than to be the one talking all the time. Contrary to the sayings such as, "speak up and be heard"; "speak up or you will never be heard"; or "the bird which chirps gets the worm".. well actually I kinda made up the last one out of excessive brain juice flows. Anyways, what I meant was I prefer to only speak up when I want to be heard. Maybe it's all those years of Dad's nagging about me talking too much and all those "In order to be a good speaker, you must first be a good listener". I guess it really did get to me in a way. Or perhaps it's the lack of people to click with which kinda makes me not wanting to talk much.

I hope it's not like what a friend of mine said, "Maybe it's that we're getting older..."

Disclaimer: The quotation above has been edited so that it appears simpatico with the whole idea.

P/s: The whole writing was done at 3am so please pardon the illogical flow.

Dad, why are the people black?

As usual, I was going on on my daily dosage of blog-reading and a friend of mine who just started Blogger recently had to "migrate" over to Xanga since his account was totally screwed up. So I was going through his new blog as I was expecting some new posts in there; turns out that he just copied and pasted the existing ones from Blogger.

Anyways, since there was nothing better to do and I WAS already in his page, I just went and explored around everything which could be.. explored. As I was going through his profile, he actually had "Cambodia" under the column of "places travelled". It was kinda surprising actually because this friend gave me the impression of the "high-maintainence-traveller" air around him, especially after we had a conversation once about me wanting to travel to Thailand and Mexico and those kind of low-budget/back packing trips where there's a lot of walking to be done. And he mentioned that he didn't like countries like that.

So being the usual skeptical-self, I turned around and asked him about it and this was how it went:

Me: Hey! I didn't know that you've been to Cambodia!

He: Yalar! I was really young back then. (THAT explains a lot)

Me: Cool! So how was it there? (Really enthusiastic coz I've always loved countries like these)

He: Erm.. I can't really remember actually. All I remembered was that the cows were white and the people were black.

Me: 0.o"

And then the next 15 minutes consisted of me laughing and snorting and laughing somemore.

He: Geez.. What's so funny about it?!! I was still young lar at that time! All I could remember was that the cows were really white and the people were all black.. I could't understand why lar at that age!

Unfortunately, his little defensive speech only made me appreciate of how priceless this friend was. I shall now walk away from the conversation and continue with my snort laughters till I die from over-twisted-guts-and-intestines syndrome. Have a nice day!

Of summer winds and silence

Something unexpected took place today. I was going through some articles and poems of a friend's friend and somewhere between those lines, it actually brought back a lot of memories and thoughts and feelings which I had tucked away at a safe corner for quite sometime now. It feels like they're back to haunt the present.

I'm not sure if it's bad or not, but it was really disturbing. It's like a part of me which I tried to bury alive is now digging up from it's own grave. It creeps up from it's aged grave and it kills you slowly inside. It feels like something inside you is slowly dying. You're not sure from what exactly, but all you can do is feel the dead feeling seeping in little by little; up to the point where you feel that emptiness from the hole that the ghost has eaten up when it's too late and too painful to even feel anything anymore.

Regardless of how harmful it is to allow myself to drown in this, sometimes there is some kind off sick comfort in it.

I'm just going to spin Phil Campbell in the player and hopefully it will kick those effing ghosts back to where they belong.. for the time being.

Of Dona Maria and Phil Campbell

It's 3.55am and my eyes are still wide open. I can't seem to swing my routine back to the one's of a human anymore.. at least not for these few days. There's been too much going on in my head right now.

It's freaky how the society has turned to blogging as their source of ranting out their anger, happiness, complains etc... So I have fallen into this category of people who seem to have a better deal with releasing those mindfucks into cyberspace as well. Maybe it's just a psychological thing.. I'm not sure really. Sometimes I get the feeling that people are just putting things into their own "psychological terms" and think that they know something something about the subject. But then again, who am I to say whether are these people right or wrong? I'm just putting my two cents into something unimportant anyways so I don't really want to think much about this.

It's funny how sometimes I tend to fall into a position where I stuff my emotions into this capsule and catapult it into the air aimlessly and just let it fall wherever it falls. Then I only worry about it when I come across it when I come across it. It's bad I know. I don't need someone to tell me that it's not the best way to handle stuff but for some odd reason, sometimes it's just more comfortable handling our issues in our own way although we know very well that it's just not right. I don't know. Maybe it's that I'm addicted to making stupid mistakes. Maybe there's some kind of sick fun in it. =/

I can see myself blabbering away now. Better get some sleep before I die in front of the computer. Night.

I was not born a loser.. Something just went wrong when I reached puberty age

So I haven't exactly been the most consistent blogger, especially in Blogger. Not when there's the convinience of doing so in Friendster. But I have to admit, there's something about Blogger which makes it different. It's just like comparing a school uniform with a dress; they're both dresses yet so different in so many ways. In our Malaysian turqouise uniform-dress, there are boundaries and limitations to everything you do while you're in it. Whereas with a normal dress, who cares what the heck you're doing when you're dressed casually? That didn't sound exactly the way I intended it to be, but it's something between those lines.

Anyways, a friend recently asked me about blogspot and it actually reminded me that "Hey! I still have another place to blog besides the one provided in Friendster!" So yeah, the rest was history.

I was reading my older posts in my Friendster blog and I can't believe that THAT was me! I would have kicked "me" in the ass without any hesitation! *shudders* Update later after I've finished reminiscing over my old entries.

p/s: And also after I'm done dunking my own head into the toilet bowl and flush it a million times to get rid of all the embarrassing stuff I wrote.

Painfully Intoxicated

Breathy whispers
Linger
Through the musty air
Like a scapel
Cutting
Clean...
Smooth...
Almost painless
Intoxicated?
Perhaps...

Blank stares
Pools of greyness
Razor sharp
Cutting
Clean...
Smooth...
Almost painless
Intoxicated?
Perhaps...

Coloured streams
Dining with sins
Unbearable
Reprehensible
Cutting
Clean...
Smooth...
Almost painless
Intoxicated?
Perhaps...

No difference

Another boring day.. I just started this thing after a friend showed me a sample. Looks pretty okay to me. Woke up and realized that we always see the same damn thing everyday. Do people even think about this. Why is it that our pattern of living is always the same? Perhaps not everything. There was a tsunami a couple of days ago. Why is it that natural disasters always strike the hardest on the poor. Like the fisherman in Sri Lanka. Is God looking down and thinking 'this will teach them to be stronger.'? Why not on those people who can afford to rebuild their homes? What's God even thinking? Is this part of his plan? Is he listening to our prayers?

Just watched CNN. Wouldn't be watching it if it wasn't because of the tsunami attack. Mom's scolding me at the other side of the door right now; shouting something about me not vacuming the room and something about me using the computer the whole day. I can hear her calling my dad now. Hahaha... my dad's already out. She should've called him earlier. Too bad for her. She's going away now. It's always like that. She shouts. I ignore. She gets fed up of screaming. We both continue whatever we're doing. Me playing the computer. She murmuring something about my attitude. Told you it's a cycle. Same damn thing.

My brother and his girlfriend just went off last night. I miss her pug, Phat. He has those beady eyes which makes you want to cuddle him and give him all the love you can offer. Why can't people just remain single and be happy about it? What's the point of hooking up with an opposite sex? Kind of like a waste of time.. and money. The amount of time wasted and not getting anything done because you're too busy on the phone. I think my dad's back. Continue later.